On Love

This is my summer of love. Loving myself, loving my partner, loving what is. Of course this is good to do at all times, but this particular season, this love is my sole focus. A person cannot transmit what they don't have. This fact is known by many in recovery & other spiritual affiliations, but how often is it practiced? That's a question we must face within ourselves. Am I transmitting what I have? Or is what I'm giving tainted by ego, fear and in the end not really helping to make a true difference in the world?

I'm as guilty as anyone, who believes in being of service, of misguided motivations. Trying to help when it really hinders progress or something similar. And those mistakes are alright because I've learned well by good intentions followed by less-than-good actions or vice versa. That is probably why is it so important to be connected to higher power at every possible moment. I may have mentioned on this blog before how it seems much easier to turn my will & life over to HP in my living room, than when I'm out in the world interacting with other people. I forget to ask for HP's words, thoughts & guidance in every single moment. But I believe I'm not the only one.

Loving myself means believing in myself and the gifts HP has given me. Loving myself means no matter what, taking the time to eat well, get enough rest & relaxation. It means time for reverence, stillness and having fun. It means ignoring negativity from others & making friends with my inner critic.

Loving my partner has several elements too. My beloved is so sweet, so loving, so supportive. And she is deeply committed to me, as I am her. So this season, it is important to keep her & our relationship high on my list of priorities. This means attention, gratefulness & patience.

Lastly this season I wish to love what is. Meaning being in acceptance of everything, even things that at first don't make sense or that I don't even like. It means being willing to see the lesson, believe in the journey & have the willingness to connect to the greater mysteries of not-so-great events.

I think it's going to be a great summer. I wish each of you the same!

~F

Stressed Out!

"I really know how it feels to be, stressed out, stressed out. When you're face to face with your adversity. I really know how it feels to be, stressed out, stressed out. Were gonna make this thing work out eventually." -Tribe Called Quest

Good gawd I'm feeling utterly overwhelmed. I mean so overloaded that I'm just trying to make it hour to hour today. I want to go on vacation & skip this whole next week. Want to sit on a warm beach with my sweetie & not have to worry about shit. About making anyone happy or follow through with plans. Just read in the sunlight & nap in the shade. But that's not an option & that's okay I guess. I know this is all in part of my own making.

The event next weekend will be a blast. But folks let me tell ya, event planning is pretty fucking hard. And for those of us planning it, it's been a week from hell in our personal lives for various reasons. So we are carrying on despite even little things going wrong like the office fax going kaput.

Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful too. For the lessons & the ability to try to even attempt to coordinate a LGBT pride block party. But never again will I do this. From here on out I only work on what has deep meaning for me. I mean parties are fun, don't get me wrong, but I would like to do a little more to actually improve the lives of marginalized peoples. And this has been the most important lesson I could learn right now. What my destiny truly is & what I really want to do with my life.

So this week I ask for your prayers QWOC readers. I can't do this alone. My grief over my friends death combined with concern for his son & my uncle with cancer & my cousin who leaves for Iraq soon is enough to make things hard. So the addition of finishing up an event of this scale just puts me this close to the edge of wanting to run away. Not drink or use or anything. Just run & run far. And that is, in the end, not a good option for me now or in the future.

Right now I'm trying to remember to keep things in perspective & breathe. And I thank each of you in advance for your loving thoughts!
~F

Who Knew Domestic Partnership Really Does Come in Handy

A few months ago as some of you may remember I got domesticated. As in my partner & I registered with the state of Oregon as domestic partners. Well little did I know that it would come in handy already.

My beloved & I work for the same company & last week while I felt like I was nearly dying with the flu, my sweetheart needed to leave work early to take me to the doctors. When she asked if she could leave early she was told she couldn't because it wasn't she who was sick. But she explained that there was no way I could get to the docs on my own & her boss responded that she could only use emergency leave if we were married/domestic partnered. "Well we are" she said to her boss. So my poor sweetie had to go talk to HR about it & confirm, yes were legal & have been since March thank-you-very-much! So they let her take off so she could drive me to my doctor.

I had no idea we would be called to validate our relationship so soon and I had no idea that our workplace would be the entity to need our relationship to be legal. Crazy! I'm so glad that my love & I registered and realize even more how important it is for same sex couples to have equal relationship rights. If my sweet hadn't been able to get me to the doctor it would have taken me that much longer to recover & get back on my feet as a tax paying citizen. Anyway that's my story du jour. Peace!

~F

Sick (of it)

Well folks I've been dealing with a number of health crises in the last few weeks. I have not shared too much on here because some things are personal & it's been difficult. I was diagnosed with candidiasis aka Candida last month and it's been a hell of a struggle. My diet has changed in addition to some other things to get better but my progress despite all my work is slow-going. This is because in part my immune system is not fully functioning. Many things feel out-of-whack but I'm trying to keep up a fighting spirit even when I have pain and other yucky symptoms.

2 weeks ago I was in the emergency room for severe stomach pain and since last Sunday I've had a sinus infection & flu. Probably the worst flu I've had since I was a kid. I was in so much pain I was crying in the doctors office. Finally I'm on the up side but I have to take it easy this week as the infection found it's way to my lungs & I have asthma & can't take any steroids or antibiotics because of my systematic yeast condition.

But I remain grateful. Glad to have insurance, doctors, friends and a supportive partner. I don't know what I would have done this month without them. So I keep on keeping on because there is no other choice. Anyway I hope to have more to share that is not about me later this week. Until then enjoy this great pic I found.
~F Learn more about Soul Soldiers here.

Noooooooooo!

My girl, my secret hollyweird crush Mariah Carey is quite possibly married to Nick Cannon. Waaaaah!

My only hope is that he is her "beard" and the whole union is just to protect her love of the ladies. That's the only way I can take this news. Because I love Mimi. Not in that crazy unattainable way but I love her music, style & persona. Ever since I saw her debut on the Arsenio Hall show many moons ago I have been smitten. It was the first time I saw a clearly mixed race person on stage. I never forgot it & her life story is quite amazing. Plus to me she is feminine to the hilt & I love it!

Anyway I don't care if she really is into Mr. Cannon or not, I'm still a fan. But for my sanity... to me she's the epitome of a lipstick lesbian & in my fantasies I'll keep it that way.

Hi/Bye

Well I have not had much time to blog lately and now I'm going to be on holiday through Sunday. Plus I'm really busy today so this will be a shortie.

First off Happy Earf Day!

Okay that's about all I have time for today. But in the meantime if you're a queer woman of color & an activist or even not an activist please join the newly formed google group Radical Queer Women of Color for Peace. It rocks! http://groups.google.com/group/qwocradpeace

With that I'm out.
Peace!
~F

Just When I Needed Them

Friends in recovery who get it when I have a crappy day (my period is really bad right now!) and flowers. I'm a lucky gal!

Peace!

Friday Links No Mo'. And a Bunch of Other Stuff!

I can't do it. I tried to have some damn discipline with this blog & do something regularly & consistently but right now at this time in my life that ain't gonna happen. Sometimes we have to accept that failure is an option. So for now I have failed at posting great links that I love every single Friday. And for now that's okay. Because I can always try again or try in a way that is different & even better. So for now no Friday link lovin'. I'll still keep all y'all informed of great links I find but it will be back to the randomness that is a trademark of QWOC blog.

So with that I'd like to mention some yummy Internet goodies I found this week. Let's take a look shall we?

My beautiful pal Zee has BlogHer ads on her blog & for the first time one ad actually got my attention. It's called ModestNeeds.org. Here is thier mission:
To prevent otherwise financially self-sufficient individuals and families from entering the cycle of poverty, when this might be avoided with a small amount of well-timed financial assistance;
To restore the financial self-sufficiency of individuals who are willing to work but are temporarily unable to do so because they do not have the means to remit payment for a work-related expense;
and To empower permanently disadvantaged individuals who otherwise live within their limited means to continue to live independently, despite a temporary, unexpected financial set-back.

There are some really neat points to this charity including that it is an accredited charity of the BBB (Better Business Bureau), it's tax deductible and best, 65% of the folks who utilize funds from Modest Needs become donors themselves. The whole point of Modest Needs is to keep otherwise self sufficient folks from floating into a sea of poverty over 1 or two sudden emergencies. It's not meant for folks who are constantly needing help. It's just working or middle class folks helping each other. I think it's a lovely cause!


Okay so switching gears a bit here is something I stumbled upon a couple months ago. It's called the Happiness Manifesto. It can be adjusted by each individual but it goes a little something like this...

1. Get physical. Engage in half an hour of exercise three times a week
2. Count your blessings. At the end of each day, reflect on at least five things you are grateful for
3. Talk time. Have an hour-long - uninterrupted - conversation with your partner or closest friend each week
4. Plant something. Even if it's a window box or pot. And, you must keep it alive
5. Cut your TV viewing by half
6. Smile at and/or say hello to someone you don't know. At least once each day
7. Phone a friend. Make contact with a friend or relation you have not talked to for a while and arrange to meet up
8. Have a good laugh at least once a day
9. Every day make sure you give yourself a treat. Take time to really enjoy this
10. Daily kindness. Do an extra good turn for someone each day

Things have been increasingly busy for me since mid 2007. So I think this happiness manifesto is a positive way of staying on track, during times of good & bad stress. I'll post (hopefully) regular, but random updates on how I'm living this manifesto & what some of my thoughts, feelings & experiences with it are. Anyone care to join me?

And now the dear diary portion of this post. So life has been great and very busy as many of you know. It's gotten busier with great things & I'm so grateful! My only issue is I don't know how to balance a beautiful life. Chaos, drama, ugly moments are easy. I know that stuff. I'm in recovery for a reason after all! So I'm taking baby steps all over again it feels like. Learning how to have success and joy & a productive healthy life is something I have worked so hard to have in this life & now it's here & by golly it's a little (a lot) hard to navigate these waters. Thank goddess for recovery & friends who have experience in (gosh this sounds silly, but it's the truth of where I'm at!) being happy & following their dreams & talents. These folks are helping me remember to stay in each moment and really relish in the gift that each moment has. And doing lots of various step work & going to regular meetings helps more than I can say. Who knew I'd need more meetings in health than pain?!

So as I continue this path I'm reminded that today is meant to be taken in bites. That the creator & it's angels are really here right now, even as I type these words. All I (or we) have to do is keep breathing, keep trying & keep up the faith. No matter how good or bad things get. Peace y'all!

~F