Friday Links No Mo'. And a Bunch of Other Stuff!

I can't do it. I tried to have some damn discipline with this blog & do something regularly & consistently but right now at this time in my life that ain't gonna happen. Sometimes we have to accept that failure is an option. So for now I have failed at posting great links that I love every single Friday. And for now that's okay. Because I can always try again or try in a way that is different & even better. So for now no Friday link lovin'. I'll still keep all y'all informed of great links I find but it will be back to the randomness that is a trademark of QWOC blog.

So with that I'd like to mention some yummy Internet goodies I found this week. Let's take a look shall we?

My beautiful pal Zee has BlogHer ads on her blog & for the first time one ad actually got my attention. It's called ModestNeeds.org. Here is thier mission:
To prevent otherwise financially self-sufficient individuals and families from entering the cycle of poverty, when this might be avoided with a small amount of well-timed financial assistance;
To restore the financial self-sufficiency of individuals who are willing to work but are temporarily unable to do so because they do not have the means to remit payment for a work-related expense;
and To empower permanently disadvantaged individuals who otherwise live within their limited means to continue to live independently, despite a temporary, unexpected financial set-back.

There are some really neat points to this charity including that it is an accredited charity of the BBB (Better Business Bureau), it's tax deductible and best, 65% of the folks who utilize funds from Modest Needs become donors themselves. The whole point of Modest Needs is to keep otherwise self sufficient folks from floating into a sea of poverty over 1 or two sudden emergencies. It's not meant for folks who are constantly needing help. It's just working or middle class folks helping each other. I think it's a lovely cause!


Okay so switching gears a bit here is something I stumbled upon a couple months ago. It's called the Happiness Manifesto. It can be adjusted by each individual but it goes a little something like this...

1. Get physical. Engage in half an hour of exercise three times a week
2. Count your blessings. At the end of each day, reflect on at least five things you are grateful for
3. Talk time. Have an hour-long - uninterrupted - conversation with your partner or closest friend each week
4. Plant something. Even if it's a window box or pot. And, you must keep it alive
5. Cut your TV viewing by half
6. Smile at and/or say hello to someone you don't know. At least once each day
7. Phone a friend. Make contact with a friend or relation you have not talked to for a while and arrange to meet up
8. Have a good laugh at least once a day
9. Every day make sure you give yourself a treat. Take time to really enjoy this
10. Daily kindness. Do an extra good turn for someone each day

Things have been increasingly busy for me since mid 2007. So I think this happiness manifesto is a positive way of staying on track, during times of good & bad stress. I'll post (hopefully) regular, but random updates on how I'm living this manifesto & what some of my thoughts, feelings & experiences with it are. Anyone care to join me?

And now the dear diary portion of this post. So life has been great and very busy as many of you know. It's gotten busier with great things & I'm so grateful! My only issue is I don't know how to balance a beautiful life. Chaos, drama, ugly moments are easy. I know that stuff. I'm in recovery for a reason after all! So I'm taking baby steps all over again it feels like. Learning how to have success and joy & a productive healthy life is something I have worked so hard to have in this life & now it's here & by golly it's a little (a lot) hard to navigate these waters. Thank goddess for recovery & friends who have experience in (gosh this sounds silly, but it's the truth of where I'm at!) being happy & following their dreams & talents. These folks are helping me remember to stay in each moment and really relish in the gift that each moment has. And doing lots of various step work & going to regular meetings helps more than I can say. Who knew I'd need more meetings in health than pain?!

So as I continue this path I'm reminded that today is meant to be taken in bites. That the creator & it's angels are really here right now, even as I type these words. All I (or we) have to do is keep breathing, keep trying & keep up the faith. No matter how good or bad things get. Peace y'all!

~F

Lucy & 2 Years!

This is Lucy. She is the sister of Sydney, whom I posted about last week. She weighs less than 3lbs. and has the loudest damn dog scream you could imagine. Despite the fact that she is really named Lucifer because she really deserves it, she also melt my heart as much as anything pure & sweet. I love Lucy for her demanding need for affection. I love her for her constant shaking. She is the apple of my eye too and my world wouldn't be the same with out her!

Also today is the day I've been sober for 2 years in a row. It's a kinda bittersweet b-day for a myriad of reasons. I'm without a doubt grateful to be sober. I suppose I'm just so one-day-at-a-time in my life that the whole thing doesn't feel like much of a big deal to me. In sober b-days past I'd have a party and make speeches & just be full of emotions. Today I just want to get back home to watch a Denzel Washington movie and do my wife to be. Anywho it's a good day to be sober and alive. I'm happy and know myself & that's what the journey of recovery, all my years in in since I was 18, is about. Peace!
~F

Triple Threat

It's official. I'm now a triple winner. What the F*#k am I talking about? I'm talking (or writing really) about recovery. I'm a member of three different recovery programs now. Sounds excessive to some I suppose but I'm okay with it & not over doing any of these programs. And I've found that I need each one or I and everyone around me suffers. The one I've had to join most recently has become my life jacket. It's about money and debt & helps me with my problem (which is putting it lightly) with compulsive spending. My chronic & compulsive spending has brought more agony to my mind & heart that I can bare anymore. Photo courtesy of Photobucket.

Reflecting back I see now that since my youth my spending has been unhealthy & destructive. From stealing my mom's money out of her purse to sneak over to Arby's & buy ham & swiss sandwiches to finding my pockets empty & having to "borrow" from friends so I can buy whatever.

If I had only 20 cents I'd find a way to spend it. I just had to.

As I got older I used the people I was in romantic relationships with to get me the things I wanted/needed. They would take me to dinner or even buy my groceries. That way I could spend my money on the frivolous things I desired. Kinda like prostitution only I called it dating.

Facing the ugly ways my lack of responsibility has effected myself & others isn't easy. A part of me does with I was different. But regret won't change the behavior. Only action will & that's what at long last with HP's help is happening.

I can feel the tide turning inside me. The woman I want to be emerging!

Never really realized until now how much my compulsive spending has effected my life. It's deeper that I could see or feel. And every way I tried to fix & control it never worked. All my tears & turmoil, all my promises & guilt never changed & thing for longer that a few weeks, days or minutes. None of the other recovery groups I belonged to could really help. But now I've found a source of support, guidance & strength to show me another way to live not just within my means but to one day thrive!

But it's one day at a time. And my daily mantra is this: With God's help I spend wisely & conscientiously. And today I am.

Peace!

So Tired but I'm Giving Updates Anyway

At this moment I'm so tired. The reason is because I'm experiencing vaginal bleeding. TMI? You betcha! Anyway vaginal bleeding (aka my period) always makes me tired in the first few days. Plus it is after 10pm on a Sunday & I'm here at work off duty waiting for my fiance to get off work.

In a few days I shack up with my beloved. Right now I'm about half packed. All books are in boxes, most nick knacks & such. Clothing still needs to washed and packed or not washed but packed all the same. And I have a lot of damn clothes. The funny thing is that what is in my closet is simply my spring/summer wardrobe and not the other stuff. Yes one could say I'm lucky but it's my ever changing dress size that seems to dictate the quantity of my clothing.

Can't get into details here but this weekend I was at a certain 12 step meeting I shared about some feelings that I had worked through this week. Right after the meeting a person who I've known casually for a year or so came up to me & just spouted off his/her opinion about what I had just shared & what I should do. Not like "oh that was a good share & I support you" or "your share made me think & I wish you the best." No nothing like that it was instead "don't _____ ___." And I was responded by asking him/her to repeat the comment. It was in fact repeated & I said "well it's too late for that" & he/she said "no its not just don't ____ ___." Finally I said to the person as he/she instead of facing me to finish the conversation cowardly walked away "I think I'll defer to my higher power on this matter." Sheesh! I'm so grateful I go to another 12 step group because if I didn't some days I'm not sure I could handle going to my primary 12 step groups. I'm so glad that I can remember that I don't have to play god to other people anymore.

Back to the move... we bought a new shower curtain for the bathroom. It looks like a big ol' mirror ball on a sheet of plastic. Cool! So some of my wonderful friends are helping me this weekend this the move & I'm so damn grateful. I have some of the most wonderful people in my life. God has indeed blessed me.

Lately I've been a beading mama. I'm nearing obsession. Spent 2 hours yesterday trying to perfect a circle on an earring. It was madness but once I finally got it I managed to make a lovely matching necklace. Will show those off later. Must admit though I really love love love beading. I'm good at it & have so many ideas. My goal at this point it to create an inventory of jewelry & start to sell it on Esty. I really think I have a forte in this area! It's weird because lately I find myself doing whatever & I just want to get home so I can bead. I just want to create! Sometimes I dream of beads & think about beads before sleep & as I wake. I'm so sick! Luckily my partner supports my creativity & has even helped my design a piece.

Okay I gotta go as I'm not sure if I'm writing an interesting post or the most boring ass one ever! Please enjoy this horse pic if nothing else!

Peace!
~F

Our Beavers are the Best!

Thanks to Sara for putting this link on her blog! Find out your blog rating here!

Because I didn't follow the OSU Beavers during the year. But as a pervy dyke I can't resist being able to say that for us in Oregon, our Beavers are the best! And that Oregon's Beavers are the best in the US.

Oh my gosh I am right now sucking on the most sour thing I've ever had in my mouth. A extreme sour apple Warhead. Goodness it's better but that was terrible! Now it's finally sweet! Yum yum.

Okay so I've been kinda stressed lately. And the annoying thing is it's all good stuff, but apparently stress whether it's good or bad has the same effect on the body. At least this is what my mommy says! So I shant complain a lot but perhaps a little because I can. Went to a great 12 step meeting today & someone said something cool. Since we're not supposed to repeat what others say in meeetings I'll summerize.

God has three answers-

1. Yes


2. Yes but not now


3. No but something better is coming

That really helped me as I found myself before the meeting trying to think my way into knowing what to do about my living situation. I know by now the "brainstorm" as we call it, doesn't work. So I prayed, listened to the song Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve and got my ass to a meeting. And voila... head is better. Now it feels a little more like this...

Photo courtesy of unprofound

Peace y'all!

Let Go

I met with a woman who I'm taking the steps with this past Saturday. She gave me a lot of papers to read, all good stuff. As we chatted she told me a story about what another woman had told her about letting go. The woman told her that when she worries she imagines a balloon growing bigger & bigger as she thinks of the situation. She puts her fears into that balloon and then imagines it floating away, all the fears with it.

This weekend I imagined little things that annoyed me or concerned me or whatever & saw in my head balloons with the words Let Go or Let it Go on them floating in the sky & I'd feel free of the issue. It really works! The truth is no matter how much I try to use my thinking (or obsessing) to change something, what seems to work best is acknowledging the feeling, letting go and then doing the next right thing. Simple! Not so simple is the journey to get to this point. I've worked reasonably hard to get the feeling of serenity I have in this moment. And I realize recovery is a very long journey. Today I can let go of how long it takes to finally let go!

Peace!

Relationships

This was & very good & very hard week. The good came mostly from spending time with my ladylove and just having a ball. We're having so much fun and getting close emotionally and having fawking fantastic sex. Her love has been so beautiful that I just don't even know where to start. Man I love this woman!

The crap part of my week has had to to with my own reluctance to grow up in terms of money management. I've skated by for a long time with not being very responsible with money but it all caught up with me this week in the form of bounced checks. I've received so much advice on money management this week my head is spinning but there have been some nuggets of wisdom that I'm applying to my life.

• I need to change my relationship with money. Unlike alcohol I can't just cut off my involvement with $$$ so I need to change my thinking/behavior around it. One of my ideas about money management is that it's boring. But my mom told me something today I really liked. She said that I need to remember that taking care of finances is a way of showing myself love and being a best friend to myself. And she's right!
• Write down every time I spend money no matter the amount. Even when I spend $.60 on a can of soda. My pal T said when these things get written down you know where your money is going (duh) but it also makes you think before you spend. So my mama suggested every time I write purchases down to say to myself "I love my self and I am my friend." Which is far better than not writing stuff down because it's boring. Yes cheesy but shit it's better than what I have/haven't been doing.

You know I've had issues with money since I can remember & I've spent so much time trying to fix it all myself that having finally hit the wall with my finances I actually feel relieved. Can money and spirituality mix? Can I have a relationship to money that brings me closer to loving myself? The answer is yes. We say in recovery that the biggest triggers for relapse is romance & finance. And for some reason I thought I was above that. And really it was money mixed with romance that brought me to a relapse on pills. So in order to stay sober I need to at last humble myself & admit I don't know what the heck I'm doing with money. That I want a full & happy life and that includes a loving attitude towards my finances. Otherwise I can just keep doing what I've always done and keep getting what I always got.

Damn this disease is powerful! At least I know now that there is a solution! Peace!