Life, Love & Amy

Today has been a good work day. Had my annual review which went well as usual. I set some goals & realized I had completed some goal set from last year. Yay! I like being a good worker. Even pride myself on it I guess. Anyway this morning when I checked to see how much moolah was in my account, I was shocked to hear what work had deposited into my account. I wondered if I had recieved a bonus or a raise or something. My body & mind felt lighter contemplating that I was much closer to having enough to buy my plane ticket back home. I also thought of the wonderful things I could buy myself, my cat and my girlfriend (yes in that order). Then two hours later the company email found my inbox. Were sorry to tell you we made a mistake with your check. Easy come easy go. My next check will be smaller & I'm still broke. But alas I still have my looks! Ha!

Yesterday my girl & I had a most lovely day. It's days like that, that make one understand how grand it is to be in love. So many favorite moments. One moment was my girl reading to me, her head upon my stomach, us laying in the grass at Laurelhurst Park. Another was my performance for her of my lascivious consumption of a Dairy Queen medium sized chocolate dipped cone. Another was watching her let go of a fear while holding onto me. It was a Thursday I'll never forget. How lucky I am indeed!

So as perviously mentioned Amy Sedaris will be not only in town but at Powells Books on Halloween. I'm thinking it's going to be a biggin'. As most of my cohorts in this life seem to love her almost as much as moi. I know this. I will meet Amy and the question is this: Do I wear a halloween costume when I meet her, or look "normal" so that when she goes home to think of me she'll see me looking hot instead of silly. Although I could look silly & hot and quite frankly she'd probably love that! Fate is so cruel! Hot. Silly. Hot & silly. This choices are staggering. Anyway since I'm now not single I'm not going to try to seduce Amy with my scintillating charm and ebullient personality. Instead I'll merely try to get a picture with her, an autograph maybe & hopefully a tiny little petite very small just sooooo.......ass grab. That's allowed isn't it? I mean I not dead & it's friggin' Amy Sedaris. I'd let me girlfriend grab her favorite performer's butt. Anyway I'm off to the land of milk & honey. Or a 12 step meeting. Whatever.

Peace!
~F

Oh My God!!!!!!!

I don't if it's the Pepsi I'm drinking or the fact that Amy Sedaris will be at Powells on Halloween that has got mah heart a flutter & my eyes welling. I fawking love her! And Halloween is my favorite holiday ever besides my b-day & gay pride. More soon!

BBW

That's right it's Banned Books Week. I could go on & on about how shocked I am that some schools, libraries & book stores won't allow the public to read certain books. But quite frankly with the way things are going with you-know-who in office and such I'm not shocked about much that has to do with censorship. Anyway The AMERICAN BOOKSELLERS FOUNDATION FOR FREE EXPRESSION (http://www.abffe.org/) has a list of banned and challenged books I encourage folks to check out. It's no surprise many of the books on this list are queer themed. Anyway...

Found out this morning my queer cousin is getting married & this means that I'll be the only one of 14 cousins who has not married. Last night in my dream I was pregnant with a dead baby. No wonder I felt hopeless about romance/family this morning. It feels like I'm some wandering hedonist in comparison to my family. And worse my fears about what my family thinks only makes me feel more weird when the truth is I'm happy. Family. Oh how they drive us batty. But I love them. So there you have it!

A Serious Connection

Reading my Free Will Astrology horoscope this morning provided me with a refresher on how to connect more strongly to grace. To act as if I have this angel with me at all times guiding & showing me the way to loving. And I don't know why it is I forget to remember the Guidance. That's why prayer is such an interesting experience. How connected am I to Spirit. How much am I believing it is here with me right now. Prayers can be so empty when not in the midst of hope & faith.

If I believed, always I'd know that the powers that be are in & all around this body, this mind. There would be increased freedom to love myself others as one of the beautiful gifts Spirit has on Earth. But alas ego does its thing. And I'm grateful of the many reminders that recovery, astrology, friends & nature show everyday.

Here's a poem by Hafiz translated by Daniel Ladinsky I read the other day that summed up where I'm at this week.

Venus Just Asked Me

Perhaps
For just one minute out of the day,

It may be of value to torture yourself
With thoughts like,

"I should be doing
A hell of a lot more with my life than I am -
Cause I'm so damn talented."

But remember,
For just one minute out of the day.

With all the rest of your time,
It would be best
To try
Looking upon your self more as God does.

For He knows
Your true royal nature.

God is never confused
And can see only Himself in you.

My dear,
Venus just leaned down and asked me
To tell you a secret, to confess

She's just a mirror who has been stealing
Your light and music for centuries.

She knows as does Hafiz,
You are the sole heir to
The King



My beloved, thank you for that which made me speechless.

Things that Make You Go...WTF?

Today's article on dog water by Mark Morford at the SF Gate was a riot. God bless that man! It got me thinking on that which I'm often thinking on anyway. Our decay. Think about this: You (not you, you of course, but someone like you, only they have money) easily spend $50,000 on a car, $10,000 on a watch, $5,000 on a pair of shoes and so on to impress other people. You want to look good and have folks around you think "damn I wish I was like that person with their beautiful stuff!" Or you want them to simply like you, think well of you because you have style, money and so fourth. Then you go to your local retail store. Let's say you go to Powells for instance. There you buy a new $65 dollar book about landscaping with rubies or something and when you interact with the staff you act like a complete dickhead.

Why are so many folks spending time trying to invite others into their lives, by impressing them with things? Why not be kind to all and really rock the house. It's totally schizophrenic to get love by trying to look one way and act another. And yet we all fuckin' do it. It's our moral decay that seeps into daily living making us act like zombies rather than humans. So what does that say about humanity. What does that say about the fact I'm writing this without giving more examples. It says I'm too tired trying to make money and look good to put proper thought & care into what I really want to say. Kinda figures.

Anyway I'm off to hang out with a cat named Snuffy. Here's a pic of her with her mama.She's (the cat) is very sweet.

Oh & Lily got attacked by some doggie in wicked heat on Monday. She's okay but keeps licking the hole this bitch dog put into her chest. It's really gross.

So now I have Lily & Snuffy in my life. Two girls who though they may be pets, still fill my life with joy. Hmmm. Maybe I'll get them both some liver scented water.

Sea of Love

Come with me, my love
To the sea, the sea of love
I want to tell you how much I love you
-Honeydrippers

Last night I fought for my life. In my dream that is. In dreamland I was walking down a city street, similar to it looking like a sidewalk right off the Willamette river only instead of the river, it was shoreline. As I was walking I somehow wound up being chased by a huge spider (spiders are common in my dreams & usually mean growth & change) and knew in the dream it meant I was avoiding that "thing" I'm supposed to do in my life. So I leaped into the sea behind me, giving myself over it it, knowing the water was my destiny. A huge soft white wave encased me gently and inside it I felt as relaxed and free as could be. The wave turned me loose into its waters. I could see that I wasn't far from shore and suddenly realized it was possible the water could carry me far from shore. Looking over the water I saw that I was indeed far from the shore. Somehow my thought had made it so. I knew if I was this far out there, there was a possibility I'd have to struggle to get back. On cue my body struggled to swim to the shore. My muscles tried so hard to work, arms pointlessly attempting to push back the waters around me. And the harrowing result was that I was not getting closer. I was stuck and knew my thoughts, my fears had made it so.

Today marked my 6th year working at You Know Where and I feel grateful and disconnected at the same time. A part of me is asking and has been asking "what are you doing?" Even my big boss who is great & runs the place was asking me today what the deal is. She was like a mama bird trying to push me out of this nest. And she's right & I'm scared as hell. Yes this place has been good to me in many ways. And I feel like I've grown up here. The woman I'm becoming knows I can't stay. The woman I am... she's swimming and thinking and not letting go. This is frustrating as hell and an incredibly sumptuous gift.

There is more to this sea folks. And even as I sit here I cannot come up with the words. A writer who can't write about this feeling, this place my life has ebbed towards. It's not just her, or us even. To be in a loving relationship is the deepest part of myself. And it's my work. The work. The work that is meant to help others. Life shows me that this thing she & have is bigger than my heart. It's all colliding and I'm praying.

The fear, seat of my addiction & reason I used to self destruct.
Fear you can't have me anymore! I'm not going to live in your arms anymore! I'm not going to fear love anymore!

Last night we were like hearty plants showing one another the blooms of our own growth. And the song played in my head. The one that says it all.
And indeed I am Fumbling Towards Ecstacy.

A Little Secret about Moi

I like JT. If you don't know who that is then it doesn't matter. If you do know then just shut up about it. Geez!

Mah Girls & Clean the Beaches Bitches

My beautiful canine niece Rennie & her mama!


And this Saturday is the annual Solv Oregon Fall Beach Cleanup. It's good fun & you get to improve your karma. for moe info go to www.solv.org

Also did y'all hear Whitney has finally dumped Bobby Brown. Ahh celebrity gossip!
Peace!

News of the Fran

Well well people. I sit here at work, not working but diddling the keyboard connected to this computer and making myself increasingly tired as a result. Yes y'all it's PMS time! Fucking bloody hell I'm tired but I had to change my myspace layout & of course give a proper update of my life these days.

Last night I hung out with my brand new girlfriend named Mary. Behind her back I say her name like this: MAH-RAAAAY. We've been dating for not that long so the gf thing happened kindo fast. I know I know, but listen this is not some jump in & get married tomorrow bullshit. My sponsor Liz this morning was like "are you two living together yet ha ha ha?" To which I replied "no Liz, I like my life & where I'm living right now." And she then said as she often does "Good girl, I'm glad to hear that." So therefore my sponsor already likes Mary & they have NOT even met. Anyway it's been amazing with her because we are so equal, not the same, but equal. She's totally amazing & even has a fault or two but I don't feel any weird "oh I wish I was better" or "oh I can fix her" thoughts. Instead it's this mutual thing & it's really deep. Have I mentioned she's totally hot & Irish. Yep hot & Irish. My god I'm a lucky woman. Last night we were bonding & talking & hugging & finally I whispered those three little words into her ear. "Don't hurt me" I said feeling my heart swell beneath my chest. And I won't tell you what she said in response because that is private, but it was beautiful.

My housemate & I went camping this weekend. First we went to the Gorge & oddly enough it was windy. Tee hee. WE had to leave because the wind was disrupting our ability to enjoy ourselves ie. blue fingertips. So we went to Trillium Lake on Mt. Hood. It was beautiful there & the mountain was so lovely. Everytime I'm on it I just remember how many years of flatland I endured as a wee one. Am so glad to live in Oregon sometimes. Anyway pics of the trip are on the way as my film needs to be developed. Toward the end of our trip my leg & ankle starting hurting quite badly. So I couldn't see the lake in the morning on Sunday as I had wished, but the buffet breakfast at Timberline lodge made up for it. Anyway it was too short of a trip & Lily was shaking cold for most of it but we had fun. My housemate is such a rockin' lady!

Started my book this week. Don't know the rate in which it will get done. I know my editing process tends to take the longest. I'm praying to co-write this sucker with G-O-D. Cuz I can't do it by my own self.

Got a new al-anon sponsor who's got me in the steps already. Liz said since I'm doing the al-anon steps which covers my relationship addiction stuff, that I no longer need to do a 4th step around relationships in the other program. Her sponsor said so, so Liz said so, so there you go.

Other than all that I'm broke, happy, tired & full & life. All is as it should be & for that I am grateful!
~F

Another 9/11 Story

The pain has never really left. Not just the pain of witnessing someones revolution televised, but the pain that continues to poison our country, the idea of our freedom, our country, our way, as a guide for everyone in the world.

Man so much is tied to that day. So many symbols & statements missed. My own fate being effected by the a-holes thinking I'm Muslim & hating me. Then a-holes in office that don't get it.

Then waking to my alarm clock saying something about no cellular use in NY. Turning on the TV to see the 2nd plane land live into the other tower. Confusion and numbness and fascination. "God what the heck is going on?" Getting to work only to be unable to mentally or physically function beyond watching the several televisions set up in employee areas. Crying, wondering, fearing, calling my friends in NY and wishing it was not all not in vain. Watching the towers collapse, then more collapsing then going home to my cat, wishing my then boyfriend was in town.
Two days later crying in his arms a cry so painful that all my childhood atrocities were in some ways forever dulled.

So much could be said. But those who know me well know that the deeper I feel, the less I say. All I know is that today the shadow of the worlds pain from that day still resides somewhere in my heart.

Campin'

The Gorge!
Mt. Hood from Timberline Lodge

More stories later but heres a work e-mail from a co-worker. Permission to reprint was granted.

After reading a book about modern new age books of found or "received" biblical texts it comes to my attention that the Essene Gospel of Peace, as well as other works by SZEKELY, EDMOND are frauds. So they are being removed out of Chri-Dead Sea & Apocrapha/non-cannon to their new home in Meta-eso christ. So if people are looking for a text in which Jesus teaches how to make and use an enema, send them there.

This is What Joy Looks like

Full moon at 11am. Including a lunar eclispe I missed. Ahh well. Tonight I see my sweetheart, make dinner & chill. Tomorrow my roomie & I go a campin'. All is well in the city of roses. All is well in the city of my heart.

Man do I have a Tight Ass!

No seriously. My buttocks are crazy! My deep tissue massage consisted of the usual but also my gluts. And now my ass cheecks hurt. Ahh well! At least I got the green light to take walks. That means this weekend I can walk around & enjoy the nature around me. Yay ya yay!

Don't know why but this who thing with the death of Steve Irwin makes me sad. Seems like he embodied that idea of immortality as a reward/consequence for raking the risks others could never even dream of. Oh shit y'all, some day you will die. And I will too. FuckenA.

Despite being under the weather this week/end I'm happy to report all is well & life has taken on an even more vibrant hue. More details later, but for now, I must go feed my belly.
Peace!
~F

Cheese Popcorn

Smartfood. I frawking love that white cheddar, air popped corn. It tastes so crazy good! But it smells like feet. Not mah feet per se, but feet all the same. Infact the animals were hanging out in my room & I thought one of them had stepped in some ka ka boo. Nope just the popped chesse corn. Anyway...

I think I'm getting a new al-anon sponsor. We meet tomorrow in the afternoon to see if we match & stuff. I'm really ready to do the 12 steps in al-anon. Yippee!

And this Saturday I get to go on a picnic with my friend Mary. It's going to be a nice day & I'm thinking I'll feed us chesse. I mean cheese & something. Just can't figure out the something.

Next weekend I'm going camping with my roomie & her friends & their son. Gawd I need to get the hell out of town! Well that's the update. Tired but very happy!
~F

Pretty

Man I love my camera phone!

Pluto?!?!

Everything eludes me!

Left Side

As you may be noticing my blog is going though some changes. Please feel free to let me know what you like & what you'd like to me to add. Now onto the post....

It's strange how much pain we can hold in our bodies. As it's been 3 weeks since I started therapy with my chiropractic orthopedist, my leg is feeling the pain that's been stored in my body since I was a wee one. Interesting metaphor doncha think? Tuesday I had deep tissue massage & there was nothing relaxing about it! And my friends agreed that though it's pain-filled, in the end it helps. Anyway I'm hungry & can't think so it's a short post today. Oh except for this:

Measure 48 here in Oregon is up for vote November 7th. This measure effects low income home buyers because the measure will restrict Oregon's ability to issue bonds. The Oregon Bond Loan Program allows homeowners with less income/new home buyers to get lower interest subsudized home loans. For more on this cut 'n' paste http://www.mailtribune.com/archive/2006/0818/local/stories/bond_main.htm
Already the program has been cut to see how the election will turn out, which is rather rude I think. As a fiscal conservative I'm againt this measure because it costs taxpayers nothing. No-thing! And as long as I don't have to pay & it helps folks, that why the bleep not have this wonderful program that can reduce costs for future homeowners by $10,000-$20,000. So people in November vote no to measure 48! For more go to http://www.oregonbond.us
Peace out!
~F

Flowers

Redolence is no longer. Please go to http://www.qwoc.blogspot.com
QWOC: Queer Woman of Color



These I took this week with my camera phone. Flowers make me happy. All is good. The the powers that be are bringing more grace & love into my life each day. Happy Sunday y'all. Man I'm hungry for a burrito!

Virginia is for Lovers?????

Holy crap have y'all heard about Senator Dumbass racist in Virginia? Okay his real name is George Allen the current senator in Virginia. Cut & paste this & read it! http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/08/14/AR2006081400589.html
Now watch, from the title link, on YouTube his kindly words to the Macaca (monkey??!!) in the crowd. Here's the tidbit I got thanks to my bf in MN.

On Friday Republican Senator George Allen sunk to a new low. At a campaign stop the
Virginia senator singled out the only non-white member of the audience--S.R.
Sidarth, a young Indian-American volunteering for his opponent--and called him "macaque" (a racial slur meaning 'monkey'). He went on to say, "welcome to America."
As it happens, Mr. Sidarth was born and raised in Virginia.

Can you join me in asking the Republican National Committee to take a stand against
these tactics and withdraw support for Sen. Allen? (You can also watch video of the
incident through the link below).
http://political.moveon.org/withdrawallen/

What a feeking idiot (God forgive my judgement!)!!!!!! Here is the e-note I sent to him at his website under the topic choice of... Indian Affairs ( I kid you not, that is one of his choices):
Shame on you sir. To assume, based on a percieved race that someone is NOT an American, is not only an act of horrible ignorance, but worse an attack on the very America we live in. I feel sad for you. With every fiber of my being I pray you find a greater happiness than the sad state of affairs your mind has been in. Thank you.

Feel free to give him your thoughts at: http://allen.senate.gov/public/index.cfm?FuseAction=AboutGeorgeAllen.SendAnEmail

The saddest part is that is attitude reflects the way a lot of Euro-Americans think. If your not clearly white of Black your not an American. WTF people?!?! I hope all this bring more awareness to the white privilage based ignorance so many have here in US-land. Anyway a nicer more personal post is next.

Strong Femme

I took this Butch vs. Femme quiz today because apparently I don't have better things to do. Here are my results. Oh & btw since this whole liquid thing has become a big deal in the airports I heard there is a parody of "Snakes on a Plane" with "Liquids on a plane" photoshop image already. I couldn't find it on google, so please let me know if you do!

STRONG FEMME
Your score placed you in the category of Strong Femme. This is often called a "femme butch" type. You may also wish to review Practical Femme and Soft Androgyne, the two categories surrounding you. In a ranking across the femme/butch gamut, if 1 is femme and 100 is butch, you fall between 33 and 40 on the scale. For a review of where you fall in the overall population in numbers, refer to this chart. Your type is the majority of the femme and the female population and includes a fair number of males.


You identify as female rather than femme, or as a male with an open mind to female issues. Your raising and socialization, however, has implanted enough of traditional femme roles and obligations, though, that you don't quite make it to the bridge category of Androgyne which lies between femme and butch.

You are practical in child raising but have no qualms about calling a baby sitter when you've had enough for the day. You are a good co-provider in a balanced partnership but resent carrying the full financial weight. You expect your partner to help you with your home and while you prefer order to chaos, won't do their share for them.

You are independent and proudly female, and don't really mind living alone, though you'd prefer not to. You sleep with a small light on, and usually in the nude. You insist on good communication in your relationships.

You are most comfortable with Androgynes and Gentle or Feminist Butches as partners, rarely dating other femmes, though admittedly physically you find them attractive. The butch "mystique" or the balance in an Androgyne attracts you more. You get along well with most types, though Extreme Femmes you find a bit overdone and aren't entirely comfortable with Extreme Butches.

My Brief E-Mail to PBS

Melanie Martinez. If you don't know what the hub bub is about please click on the link to this post title to understand why I wrote the following.


PBS to me has always repesented a mindset that was different & even above mainstream TV. But with the firing of Melanie Martinez over what can only be deemed, as an overblown reaction to her 7 year old sexy satire, I'm beginning to fear PBS is or soon will be, no longer a place for openminded intelligence. Please rethink this decision to represent the corporate mind. Please remember it is the public you are serving, not just the morals of the willingly uninformed. Thank you.

Write letters y'all. Send loving freedom out of your heart & into the corporate mind. Don't tell me it won't work because it does!
Peace!
~Madam Fofo

Gas & Chocolate Condoms

I'm having the worst smelling ass gas! I know it's not polite to air my dirty undies, but my god. My stomach has felt kinda queasy since late this morning. I think it's because I had broccoli at 2 different meals yesterday. Anyway now that I've passed some of this gas my tummy feels better. Sexy! The chiropractor adjusted some stuff today including some range of motion stuff in my hips. Now all I need is that special someone to help me use all the this range of motion! Tee hee! Anyway speaking of that I went to the STD clinic today & got the works tested. Am happy to know that I am in the low risk catagory, which once upon a time when I was a lush, was not the case so much. I have not been a slut lately. How cool! Though let me make it clear, sluttly is good, as long as it's safe. So I took some condoms & dental dams & I have no idea why I needed to have a chocolate flavored condom but heck, I know someone out there can use it! Well thats my weird pot for the day. Hope you enjoyed it!
~F

Teddy Madness

Though this story has been in circulation for a bit I have to pass it on. See the link to the title here to my pal Lindseys blog for more details. My pal Marissa called be & left the news of the dog who ate the precious cargo it was meant to protect. Even Elvis the bear got it in the end (ha ha).

Anyway today my leg is still better but hurts a tad after shopping with a friend this afternoon. Ahh well. Soon it shall heal. Yay!

And an interesting update as far as mi familia goes. My ma & I quasi debated about 2 weeks ago about my uncle Don not liking me. I told her I felt he didn't like me because he's uncomfortable with the gay thing. She got mad at me & even hung up on me trying to "defend" him. So she did what all moms addicted to drama do, she told him that I said I didn't think he likes me. Well he went quite & his wife said he was shy. Which was my ma's initial defense. But I noted he's NOT shy with other members of our family or his church pals(btw he belongs to this kinda fundamentalist christian church that tells them not to associate with anyone who is not in their religion)(whack). So in the early part of last week my ma calls to tell me I was right (which I usually am-for serious!) & that he sent her a letter telling her he wished I'd change. So finally after all these years with him ignoring me I at least now know what his deal is & can rest in that knowledge. So my uncle's a biggot. I still love him. What else can I do? Being angry won't help. Just for today like all other days, I'll just remain true to myself. Peace out!
~F

Some Fawkin' Answers!

Wow! My mind has a bit more peace than it did this morning. Saw a chiropractic orthopedist today who manhandled me in the most platonic way. And though my body feels all tired & weird I so glad I saw him. There are all kinds of things wrong with my body. And the answers to many of the aches & pains that have been in various areas of my body. Who knew the hips & stomach muscles connected to the TMJ & my big toe. Not one doctor has been able to tell me why or really help. Can it be I have found one who not only can help with the pain but...gasp.........oh...my...wear high heels!!!!!! I swear I'd believe in Jesus, Allah, Moses & who he fuck else to get to wear heels without suffering.

Tuesday I got fitted for this big long plastic brace. Yesterday another doc said that brace won't be enough. And today I was told that the brace won't help at all in the long run. Today this doc shook his head & couldn't understand why no one could figure out what is wrong. Bloody hell. Now here's a question: if my ankle & leg get better, will I finally go? Go where? Well that's my biz. But perhaps I need to think a lot more about doing what I'm meant to do in this life. We'll see!
Peace!

100 Things

So my pal Lindsey has a list of a hundred things about herself on her webbie & now that I'm home & have some time to think & write I thought oh heck "why not do my own." So here we go.

1. I was born in Mountain View, CA at 11:03am
2. Have traveled to New York, New Mexico, San Fransicso, Las Vegas, Chicago, Ohio, Wisconsin, Iowa, N. Dakota, Wyoming, Montana, San Antonio Texas, Bellingham & Seattle Washington.
3. Have never been out of the country
4. Have a passport & plan on using it in the future.
5. Lived in Minneapolis, MN from the age of 4 to 21.
6. Most of my family still lives there.
7. Had my first kiss really horrible kiss at 14.
8. Had my first good kiss at 16.
9. Had my first boyfriend at 14.
10. Had first girlfriend at 17.
11. Have a cat named Bebes.
12. When I eat cooked onions I get gas really bad.
13. I have no siblings
14. Yes I was lonely as I lived in a neighborhood with no other kids.
15. My birth day is December 11th, 1974
16. I'm in recovery
17. 2 different anonymous programs
18. Love to vacuum
19. Hate to clean the bathroom
20. I like technology
21. I don't like people talking on cell phones when driving
22. Am a pretty good writer
23. Seem to be afriad to let go & just write
24. Really like knitting
25. Not that good at knitting though
26. I like to make silly faces at myself in the mirror at night sometimes
27. My cat and I have a song. It's El Farol by Carlos Santana
28. Growing up it just my mom & I
29. My best friend & I lived 2 blocks from each other from 14 to 18
30. She's a looker & no I've never been hot for her.
31. I love diet pepsi.
32. Meryl Streep is my favorite actress
33. Halle Berry is the only celebrity who I'll watch just because she's hot
34. I came out when I was 16
35. I identify as bisexual by birth & lesbian by preference, not choice
36. Gender wise I am high femme and do consider myself gender queer
37. I like animals better than people often times
38. My longest job I still work at. In September '06 it will be 6 years
39. I got my GED
40. My favorite book thus far is The Red Tent by Anita Diamant
41. I charge $50 for answering the question "what are you?"
42. I like being racially ambiguous
43. Love is my higher power & religion
44. My favorite movie thus far is Gandhi
45. I only wear Levi's when it comes to jeans
46. Enjoy cooking, especially vegetarian & vegan cooking
47. Once in a while I like going to steakhouses & ordering a nice cut of beef
48. I love jewelry but will not buy or accept jewels that were gotten by slave labor
49. Sometimes without thinking I break into an English accent
50. I love English accents
51. Love the BBC version of Pride & Prejudice. Colin Firth is beastly hot in it
52. Went to 1st protest at 14. It was for the U.S. out of El Salvador. My mom brought my pal Alexis & I & when the cops told folks to clear the streets, my mom grabbed us & had us march in the streets
53. I'm politically active & fight for equality
54. My best friend in Portland is Lindsey
55. Her dog Rennie is my canine niece
56. My favorite food is Pizza
57. Favorite dessert is creme brulee or fruit tarts
58. I would like to be in a long term healthy, growing, spiritual romance at some point
59. Hate canned veggies
60. Once ate chicken from a can
61. My favorite male singer is Rufus Wainwright. Favorite female, Sarah McLachlan
62. Have met Sarah McLachlan, Daryl Hannah, Harry Belafonte, Gwen Stefani, The band Soul Coughing, Art Alexakis, Kate Clinton & Colonel Grethe Cammermeyer, Rt.
63. My belly button is pierced with white gold & magenta opals
64. Two tattoos. A butterfly on lower belly & my symbol on the back of my neck
65. Want more tattoos
66. Have had 16 piercings over the years. Now only use about 3 of the holes
67. I have a weakness for bedroom eyes & short hair on somewhat more butch women
68. Love well groomed eyebrows on everyone
69. Voices are pretty important too
70. I think that guy who played Zack on Saved by the Bell is totally hot
71. Love dancing to reggae & happy hip hop
72. I have 5 planets in Sagittarius, my Moon in Scorpio & Rising in Aquarius
73. Love & have been practicing astrology since I was 10
74. Have known I loved women since I was four when I had a crush on Daisy Duke
75. Wanted to be a lesbian when I grew up because I thought all lesbians were princesses
76. Favorite radio station is KINK
77. Hate Tom Waits, love Neil Young
78. Best dance songs of all time: More, More, More by Andrea True Connection & It Takes Two by Rob Base
79. I'm not into this whole pirate trend
80. I love to sing but am shy about singing infront of others
81. I love the Edwardian era
82. I don't eat fast food except for Burgerville
83. Spinach is yummy
84. My first job was babysitting under the table. My first taxed job was a camp counselor
85. Once I did not pay my taxes for 3 years. In the end I was owed money
86. In the summers when I was a kid I lived on a busy street called Lake St. Would put on my roller skates & do roller shows for the cars going by
87. I don't shave anything, but I do trim
89. Have dated as many wonderful people as idiots
90. Am judgemental & trying to get over that
91. Have a multitude of medical issues
92. Make really good fried rice
93. I love Spanish food
94. Studied Russian for 3 years, French for 2 & Spanish for 1 year
95. Have the brownest ear wax you've ever seen
96. Believe our society is schizophrenic about sex & sexuality & I hope to tear that shit apart
97. I'm a bit of a libertarian. Please don't hate me for it
98. Not sure if I want kids but know I'd be a great mom
99. Love nature
100. Everyday I pray

Sleep Test. Weird.

Find your own pose!

Love is My Religion

That's a new song by Ziggy Marley. I think it fully a pplies to my spirituality.
This morning my prayer was a little different. I prayed to be like a tree. Trees have always been my guides in a way. So I asked Love to make me like the roots of a tree, connected to the earths sustinence and firmly rooted in that which connects us all. Then I asked to be like a trunk, strong and able to stand tall with loves protection. Next the branches. So that I may provide shade for those who need it. That the leaves of me always take in the sunshine & be able to move, change & fall when the winds need me to. That the fruit I bare provides healing for others so that I am of service.

If I put crap into my soil (body...blood, sinew) the fruit I bare cannot be as sustaining. I wish today only to be God's tree. To be love, take in love & give love.

Yesterday I happened to have my camera phone nearby & got this shot of Lily & myself while I was icing my leg. Enjoy!

The Sexy

I know y'all have seen this but I can't resist. Even Germans think Bush can suck it!
This is me for the next few days. On bed rest due to my whole leg swelling. Bloody hell!

PEACE!!!

Ouch!

The heat wave we had here in Portland really screwed with my ankle. I hate talking about it or complaining, as I'm very blessed in this life. But I'm feeling so frustrated these days as the intense heat has put my ankles into overdrive. Not only is the left constantly swollen & in searing pain, my right ankle, which has had some mild swelling & pain, is hurting more too. The pain in both feels like when you freshly scrape your knees after falling off a bike. That sudden searing prickly heat & rawness. Only it feels that way inside my flesh. I scared to walk & when I do it hurts.

Yesterday I got a call back from a specialist in orthopedics who told me my brace will cost $341. Which is way better than $2500. Here's what my brace options look like. Insurance will pay 80% for out of network things. So I'll hopefully find a similar specialist where they're in the network. I just need to make sure my ankle stuff is taken very seriously. So blah on that. I know this mean emotionally I need to be very gentle with myself. Not get into drama or other crap. Not to mention that though my ankle will improve, but the brace is not the top thing in fashion & as a woman, high heels or any cute shoes are no longer ever an option. I know waa waa. I just need to process this. Anyway I got Fabulash mascara a couple days ago. Halle Berry is so hot & I'm a sucker for anything she tries to pimp. Anyway the mascara is awesome. So though my ankle is what it is, at least my eyelashes will be pretty!

Sue that Motherf*cker!

Before I get to the news about Bushwack I just have to say how sad I am about Washington upholding the ban on marriage equality. Why the fark is it so scary for me to marry another wonderful woman. Do they not see how this is not EQUAL, gadangit! Fecking feekers! Okay now onto Bush & his stupidity.

Bush is a moron, idiot, dipshit, muthafocker ...if you didn't already know.
Here's the article folks:

Senate panel denounces Bush for exploiting "signing statements"
By Jonathan Weisman

The Washington Post

WASHINGTON — A bipartisan group of senators and scholars denounced President Bush Tuesday for using scores of so-called "signing statements" to reserve the right to ignore or reinterpret provisions of legislation that he has signed into law.

Bush's statements have challenged a congressional ban on torture, a request for data on the administration of the USA Patriot Act, even a legislative demand for suggestions on the digital mapping of coastal resources.

Tuesday's Senate Judiciary Committee hearing marked the latest effort by committee Chairman Arlen Specter, R-Pa., and panel Democrats to try to reclaim authority they say the president has usurped as he has expanded the power of the executive branch.

Other presidents have used signing statements to clarify their interpretation of laws, but no president has used such statements instead of using the veto authority spelled out in the Constitution, according to Harvard University law professor Charles Ogletree Jr., who is serving on a newly formed American Bar Association task force examining Bush's signing statements. Bush has never vetoed a bill.

"There is a sense that the president has taken the signing statements far beyond the customary purviews," Specter told the administration's representative, Michelle Boardman, the deputy assistant attorney general in the Justice Department's Office of Legal Counsel. "There's a real issue here as to whether the president may, in effect, cherry-pick the provisions he likes and exclude the ones he doesn't like."

Democrats were more blunt, blasting Bush's signing statements — estimated to number more than 750 on 110 laws, more than all the statements issued by all other presidents combined.

"I've never seen anything like it," said Sen. Patrick Leahy of Vermont, the committee's ranking Democrat, calling the practice "a grave threat to our constitutional system of checks and balances."

Specter has been more aggressive than any other Republican in challenging Bush's expanding authority, pushing him to reshape his warrantless-wiretapping efforts to comply with existing law, threatening to summon telecommunications executives who have given the government access to customer phone records, and challenging the White House's legal arguments for indefinite detentions at the U.S. military base in Guantánamo Bay, Cuba.

But Tuesday, Judiciary Committee members appealed to their fellow lawmakers, who Sen. Richard Durbin, D-Ill., said have been "complicit as so many of our precious rights under the Constitution have been ceded away."

Boardman countered that presidents since James Monroe have issued statements of interpretation to accompany laws, and that every president since Dwight Eisenhower has issued statements reserving the right not to execute sections of laws that may contradict the Constitution.




By her accounting, Bush has issued such statements on 110 laws, compared with 80 from Bill Clinton, as many as 105 from Ronald Reagan and 147 from George H.W. Bush in a single term. But the younger Bush issued multiple statements on many of those laws for a total of 750.

"Even if there has been a modest increase, let me just suggest that it be viewed in light of current events and Congress' response to those events," she said. "The significance of legislation affecting national security has increased markedly since Sept. 11."

It has been the national-security related statements that have caused the most controversy. Last year, after months of difficult negotiations, Bush withdrew a veto threat and signed a defense-policy bill that included a provision by Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., explicitly banning cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment of prisoners at U.S. detention centers. But Bush's signing statement reserved the right to waive the torture ban if he concluded that some harsh interrogation techniques could advance the war on terrorism.

This year, after Congress reached a hard-fought agreement to extend the USA Patriot Act, expanding the power of federal law enforcement, the president questioned a provision calling for the administration to furnish Congress with detailed audits on the issuance of secret business-record searches and so-called National Security Letters.

Courage

The title of this post will link you to Lt. Ehern Watada's website. He is a young man of courage who as a Lieutenant in the Army, is refusing to serve in the "war" in Iraq. His decision & action to not participate in this excuse for greed is refreshing & gives me hope. Though he faces seven years in prison & fines he is standing up for the truth of the situation. Yay!

Did any of you know about the dragging death of Anthony Graham in Louisville? It's a weird situation. Apparently Graham, a black man, got into a fight with Thomas Sewastynowicz, a white man. Somehow Graham wound up being dragged by Sewastynowicz's car when he was driving. Sewastynowicz claims Graham was trying to reach into his glove box when Sewastynowicz took off. For seven blocks he drove until Grahams head hit a light pole, killing him. Graham's father is a doctor & decided to have a 2nd autopsy done, as the father found a mark on his dead son's neck.
Funny... as I write this I'm listining to KINK radio here in PDX & there's a song playing where the hook is "waiting on the world to change." It's by John Mayer. Nice!

So here it has cooled down a bit. High 90's yesyerday, yet when I got home last night the house was 2 degrees warmer than on the 100+ day. Anyway I went to Lloyd center to stay cool & there were so many folks there. I went to look at pretty things like a lovely white & rose gold bracelet that I so couldn't afford but had to try on. Then I met up with John & we saw "The Devil Wears Prada" which was quite a good summer romp. Meryl Streep was perfect as a bitchy boss without going to over the top. For a chick flick it was a really enjoyable film. In the previews a film about Augusten Burroughs is coming & I'm looking forward to that.
After the movie John & I shopped more but this time I actually got stuff. Totally inspired by that movie, my glamour puss got the best of me & I bought some bracelets & new MAC cosmetics. Spent a bit more than I should have. But this stuff will last a while & I haven't had any yummy makeup treats in quite a while.

By the time I got home ast night there was an actual cool breeze around 9pm. So that was refreshing. Anyway when I woke up this morning I was laying in bed praying & I asked my HP to tell me something to help myself with the emotional PMSING state I've been in. And what I got, and seriously I did not think this statement up on my own, was, "believe in yourself." Still learning how to do that. As a fromer drunken, stoner, and now pill popper, it's hard to believe in myself sometimes when I now my little ego wants it's way by any means necessary. Anyway that advice brought me right back to that beautiful poem by Primus St. John. Here it is again. I'll probably post it over & over, but it's where I'm at.

I believe in myself slowly.
It takes all the doubt I've got.
It takes my wonder.

Peace out!
~

Heat & Tears

Geez I didn't think this heat was getting to me until I broke down in tears at 1am last night. "The heat breaks you down" a friend said this morning. Tis True! It seems all the things I was due to cry over are spilling out & of course is PMS season, so ya know what that means. Sensitive moi, little addict/alkie that I am wants the whole world to play nice & that isn't always the case. I didn't even know about St. Louis until I spoke with my ma this morning. Bush is such a fucking dunce & our media truly saddens me as it seems if the town has a lot of black folks any diaster is just not that big of a deal. And don't get me started on whats going on in Lebanon. Fuck!

Anyway a happier post later.
Peace out!

Weird

Whatjeffkilled.com is awesome! There is a link on that blog to a webby called catsthatlooklikehitler.com Totally funny!

So some silly biscuit decided to leave a rather gross comment on my last post. Shows how uncomfortable people can be with female sexuality being something other than the "Playboy" paradigm. Sad. As soon as I can figure out how to keep unwanted comments out, I will.

Anyway it's funny because Friday at one point I felt so hopeless about love & finding "the one" and since then I've had 2 people ask me out & some attention from a couple cuties. Guess HP is letting me know all will be fine. Life is good. Amazing how great & easy things are when I let go of my WAY. That's it for now.

Box Lunch!

Today I purchased a book called "Box Lunch" by the editor of On Our Backs, Diana Cage. Yes, that's right it's a book about eating pussy. Now you may ask "oh Franny, why would you need such a book? I hear you're a pussy master!" And yes folks this is true (ha!) but quite frankly I've come to realize in my sexual travels that I have treasured other womens love palaces far more than my own. Now that I'm on this magickal road of full on healing, it has become most important to start really loving my own body. Why this has been so hard can be explained, however for the sake of those of you who are already feeling overwhelmed with all this honesty, I won't get into my past.

Just for today my soberiety includes loving self touch, loving connection to myself & getting over what ever shame exists in relation to my hoobie schnoobie. Did you know that besides the clitoris having 8,000 nerve endings (more than any part of the body, including the penis, which has about 4,000 nerve endings) the clitoris is far more than the little button above our vaginal opening. The clit extendsto the hood, hymen, pelvic floor muscles & beneath the perineum & sphincter. The clitoris is expansive & powerful. Is it any coincedience than when women are menstruating we get horney? No because it's all connected. Amazing! And I have not made a loving & lasting friendship with the very life of my sex life. So since this is my time, my body & my chance to build a stronger foundation for my soberiety, it's high time I go for it. So this book Box Lunch has a bunch of info on the female anatomy & masturbation. So there you go. Plus I figure when it's time to meet that special lady, I'll have even more skills! And that's a good thing. Ya sure ya betcha!
Peace! And heck... Love to your pussies!

The Horror

I have without a doubt seen Lily's "other" side. When I got home I let her out side in the back yard & she lounged in the sunlight for a while, whilst I finished the book "The Giver" by Lois Lowery. I heard her barking & saw from the couch she was in the bushes barking at something which she often does & never lasts too long. Well I noticed upon finishing the book (which is awesome by the way & I think every adult should read it even though it's aimed at a preteen audience) that miss Lil was still barking her ass off. I went to take a look & called & called to her & saw that she was carrying some kind of rat/shrew type animal thing in her mouth. I stood there horrified as she whapped at it with her front paws like a cat. "Lily" I cried & she picked up the wounded thing in her mouth & ran into the bushes. Freaked as much that the animal was diseased as I was Lily was hurting it, I ran inside to get a broom & ran back out to seperate the two creatures. After several minutes & some outsmarting, I was able to get the animal away from Lil & Lil inside the house. She is here right now whining because she wants to chew on that thing some more, I just know it!

I called the vet & they said as long as Lily's had all her shots she should be fine. And if I wanted I could collect the animal so they could examine it & put it out of its misery. When I went back out the animal was gone. It was the size of a rat but with more soft fur & a long pronounced nose. Poor thing! Anyway I guess Daschunds are a breed that was raised to hunt & Lily was just doing her job. But it was an ugly sight & I feel a little sad. Lily & Bebes are stuck inside for a while no matter how much they complain.
Peace!
~F

Goodness!

Had therapy today. Talked with her about my sobriety change & she reminded me how strong & brave I am. And ya know I casually mentioned the not smoking piece & how it's been like 6 months. And Tricia was quick to point out that I'm doing great & the the path to being my true self is never a perfect path. So today I honor my growth. So grateful for the many tools, steps, kindness & support in my little life.

It really feels like a special time in my life. Embracing stillness, quiet & even lonliness. There really are angels everywhere. Not little white kids with halos but energy of love, joy & surrender. Well that's it from me. Learning more about silent knowing.

One last thing. Lily has some nasty gas sometimes!
Peace!
~F

Lime Popsicles!

There are few things that are better than Safeway lime popsicles. It's hard to have just one. Well the wall in the living room is painted & lovely. It's perfect with the couch & pillows. The really nice thing is the color, a deep red, on just the one wall fills the whole house with a little depth, without being overwhelming. Took me four hours tonight with only a break for a chili chese dog. Yes I said it, chili - cheese - dog. Yum yum bitches! To be fair the bun was live sprouted grain bread. The chili, vegetarian. The hotdog, kosher. The cheese, renetless. So there! Anyway I'm now consuming my 2nd lime popsicle then heading to bed. Good day!
Peace!
~F

Tee Hee

I took this last week & added my own take on our look. Silly! Anyway last night was weird because I was supposed to work at the shelter & 15 min. before I had to go I barfed. Got the chills & such. Today is better, but how weird! Needless to say I stayed home & slept. Other than that I have the living room wall preped for painting a delicious red. So I'll hopefully get that done tomorrow morning. Still happy, but tired. Went grocery shopping & spent $82 & feel like I have about 3 meals! Well maybe not that bad but geez & I'm a bargain shopper! Anyway it's a beautiful day & I look like a total tomboy. Oh & I got a new bra & am now a size 32DDD. Good lord no matter how much weight I loose, I still have them biggins. Tootles!

And Again Calm

Wow. It's been a strange couple weeks. Felt lost & so tired. Tired from lack of sleep, lost from sobriety date change. Found myself in all this beginning to engage in old behaviors & feeling even more shitty. A storm indeed passed through. And now is the calm & feeling myself again. Happy to go through it because the awakening feels so nice. Got 10 hours of sleep last night. What a difference! Lily slept in my arms from 5am on & it was nice to wake her for once instead of the other way.

Read "Their Eyes Were Watching God" by Zora Neale Hurston. It took my breath away it was so good. This is a book I'll read again & again. I think it is one of the most important books I've ever & will ever read. In my top 5 favorite for sure & that says a lot. Considering I read 4 books in June, all of them pretty good. This one is in a class of its own. The main character is Janie, a woman in Florida who is the grandchild of a slave. Her grandmother was raped by her "master" and had a daughter who was then raped by a white chool teacher, producing Janie. As a result Janie had lighter skin & long smooth hair and what really amazed me was that the author did not portray her as tragic because of this. Janie's journey was a journey toward herself & love. One in the same I think!

In Janie's life she married 3 times, lost her beloved & grew to find her voice. A voice that scholars have debated, but as a woman, I can say sometimes finding our voice is in our actions & our ability to sit gratefully & gracefully in the silence. Women, people of color, women of color & anyone who is at all in touch with their own journey will love this powerful book!

Today I'm off to a rheumatologist about my ankle. Hope to get some help for I can walk longer. A pilgrimage is in my future & I need a more steady ankle. We'll see. I remain hopeful that hp will take my feet where they need to go.

I'm off to breakfast. Well it is brunch now I guess. Lily lays in my arms while I type this & I hate to move her. But I'm hungry!. Oh & this morning Bebes & Lily kissed. Nice! Kisses y'all!
~F

Update
Well I saw the doctor & here's the deal. I have tendonitis due to pronation. That my body was just made that way & I'll always have this due to the pronation. The only thing I can ever really do is find a good ankle brace & live with it. Just like some folks are born missing a toes, eye or whatever, I was born with pronation that eventually resulted in tendonitis. So I need a new brace that will be custom we'll see if insurance will pay. Great West has not been all it claims. Anyway that's the scoop. I'll be the hot girl in the brace & though a part of me is pretty sad that I can never run again, I'm grateful I can walk. Peace out!

At Last

My period came. Thank gawd. Thought I was pregnant for a moment there. NOT! Ba ha hahaha. Oh my gosh I'm in total pain but at least I'm bleeding. That's right I said bleeding! Anyway despite my uterus trying to squeze tissue out, I made a perfect bowl of jasmine rice in the rice cooker. I'm having it with Tillamook sweetcream butter & a little sugar. My housemate ate most of my Earth Balance natural buttery spread. Damn her! Just kidding Sarah!!!!!!!!!

It's been an awesome Saturday. So relaxing. Been basically snoozing in between little things with the dog Lily. She's so great to nap with. Watched March of the Penguins last night. This may sound funny but the whole mating part of the film was so romantic. None of this "do ya like me, do ya want me, can I touch you there" stuff, just sweetness then they do it. And when I say it, I mean sex! Anyway it was just so cool to see the penguins world.

Well I feel sleepy again. Can't decide if I want to nap more, do laundry or take Ms. Lil for a walkie poo. Aww well it is so nice to just chill. Peace out!
~F

Lil

Last night was Lily & my first night alone without here mama. She went to bed on Sarah's (my homie aka housemate) bed. Then around 5am I heard Lil whimper, so I put her on the floor to see if she needed to pee or something. No she was lonely & jumped on my bed & we slept until 8:30am! So after feeding her & leaving for the day I didn't get home until about 8:30pm thinking for sure Lil had to to peepee really bad. But alas she was simply glad to see me & hungry. After eating dinner (which she stayed on the carpet for until I said "go") she did her duty in the yard. Then the madness. She barked at me a bit, wanted me to chase her & tried to nip at my feet a bit. Clearly she is missing her mama. Once I managed to convice her to come upon the couch she calmed down & has been chill since. Right now as I type this she has had her dingo doggie treat & is laying under the chair I'm sitting on. Tomorrow I'll be home around 5pm & will take her for a nice walk.

So I got my assingments for the MS 150. Looks like I'll be the sole person running the raffle/auction. That's cool & I'll help with registration & the finish line handing out medals. What's funny is my pal with MS is moving that weekend & I won't be able to helr her because I'll be at the MS 150 helping support the supporters. Anyway all is good. Craving chili cheese dogs lately. So naughty! Looking forward to some down time & time to connect to HP in deeper ways! That's it. Peace out
~F

Keane

The latest album from Keane is so very good. Now some may think they are whiney white boys, which is most likely true, but they do it so well. The first song on "Under The Iron Sea" gives no doubt it's the same band we know & love. Songs 1 (Atlantic), 3 (Is it Any Wonder), 5 (A Bad Dream) & 9 (Crystal Ball) are espically beautiful. My least favorite song is the Hamburg song. It's not totally offensive but the music is not strong enough to deal with the lyrics. The frontman in this band has always been the piano, which makes my soul soar. Good shit dudes!

Thursday I finished the book "Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic" by Alison Bechdel. She's famous for her cartoon "Dykes to Watch Out For" or DTWOF. This graphic novel is about Alison's childhood with her intellectual but very dysfunctional family. It's powerful without being too mushy or depressing. Her parallels between her very in the closet father, her coming out & Fitzgerald & other literature are quite compelling.

Personal update
PMS is making me tired. I ate wheat for like a week & a half straight. Feeling a bit lost lately. But Me thinks it's due to not being in my own home, PMS, Sober date identification & my wonderful friends newly discovered MS. Not that her MS personally effects me, I just ya know, hate to see her in any pain! Plus it's hotter than Jabba the Hut's butt crack outside. Anyway I just need an attitude adjustment & a quiet night of reading. That's it. Peace out!
~F

MS: It Needs Money, Humor & HP

Yesterday my wonderful friend Lindsey was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. "What the hell is that?" you may ask. Well copy & paste this web address for more info. http://www.nationalmssociety.org/. What I've learned thus far is that it's an autoimmune disease that affects the central nervous system. Myelin (the fatty tissue surrounding nerves) deterioates and leaves sclerosis, a form a scar tissue. Not sexy, quite serious, not deadly (for the most part). It's a weird ass disease that's causes are unknown. We do know that Oregonians & Washingtonians have higher rates of MS than anywhere in the USA. Why? Feek if I know.

What Linds is recieving right now for treatment are corticosteroids. These should help get feeling back into the numb areas of her body. So far she's okay. Last night she got her first round of interveneous corticosteroids. While the clear liquid was pumped through her body I was there with her chillin'. We shared a grilled cheese sandwich that was pretty good & chatted with a kind nurse & another woman with MS who had memory loss for 5 months. Like couldn't remember she was married memory loss. But she's good now & has not had an attack in about a year & 1/2. Anyway PLEASE CLICK ON THE TITLE OF THE POST TO SEE MY MS 150 WEBPAGE! Here you can donate your money & even join the 2 day bike ride in Oregon wine country. There's also a link to it in my website of the month pick. Peace out y'all. More on my little world in the next post
~F

Weird Really IS the Status Quo

It's painful to type this suddenly. My sober date has changed. There is mourning, which is normal & may happen for a while. What's interesting is that I'm okay! Not suffering, wanting to drink or even crying (except for Friday night when I told my recovery family). It's as if it's the start of my life at an even higher level. To have all this sober time & apply the principals to EVERYTHING, especially relationships is really an amazing gift!

Tomorrow is a new day. A very good friend of mine has some potential health stuff going on & I just pray & turn her situation over to HP. Thanks be to God!
P-O!
~F

Little Lil

So I have fallen in love. With a dog named Lilly. Here she is with me trying to get a good shot of her face by holding her under her chin slightly to pose.
So sweet!


Yesterday Lilly & I napped in the afternoon glow & then took a long walk at the park. Here she is right before our walk, ready to go.
Too Cute!

Of course today before I left for work she was in a mild state of freakness needing lots of attention. Apparently as her mama said, Lil is a bit codependent. And so I think that means the more attention you give her, the more she thinks she needs. Well she's wonderful even if she has her moments. I still love my k-9 niece Rennie & hope these to doggies can meet & have fun someday.

So much other awesome stuff going on, but I should get back to work. All I know is my life is full of wonder & joy these days & am quite blessed to be able to see the angels & gifts all around. Tootles!
~F

I'm Sore

From bowling on Friday evening.

Went to bed kinda early last night. Just didn't feel like watching tv or reading even. Knit & listeded to good music.

Felt this morning like I connected to a special energy. My dreaming mind has helped me find an amazing teacher. It's hard to get into because it's a very deep yet taboo subject & I need to slowly process, before sharing in depth. All I can say is I'm getting clarity on what's next in my growing & am very happy for it.

Peace!

A Monster is Out to Get Me

Or not. Drempt of a not so close friend who we will call B, who kicked my ass. Then I had to watch him kicking my ass on television. Then I had to stand next to him and we watched together on TV him kicking my ass. Woke up really foggy. Didn't help I was out late bowling & had to get up early to work at the shelter. Anyway... weird!

But as I've been working today, my nose has felt really sore on my right side. A monster zit in coming. Good God help us all! You know those zits where before you even see them they hurt like a mofo? Well I've got one & my neutrogena acne cream better kill it asap!

My lime green scarf is finally done! Thanks to Ms. L for helping with the last part. I've started a newbie today. I knit 6 rows. Drop stiches & knit 6 rows again. Dropping stitches is easy. I think I'll write a knitting book called "Knitting for the Lazy & Easily Confused."

Anywho all is fine in the kingdom of Fran. Oh shit I almost forgot to mention Roey Thorpe of BRO is gone! Yay, she resigned & I'm so happy I could hump a tree!
Peace y'all!

The World is Magick!

This is so beautiful!

Yesterday was mellow but began sad. My green scarf is almost complete. The Da Vinci Code is increasingly silly. I've decided after great thought to stay celibate through mid January. My roommate called it purifying myself. Which is true, but a challenge. I think my sexuality is blossoming because of this though & am very excited to become more of the woman I wish to be.

Maybe a career in sexual healing? And no that does not mean a hooker! More later!
Peace out!
~F

Hell's Bells

I've had a bit of a headache all day. Not liking that so much. :( Anyway I'm all settled into my new digs. Lilly the daschund is so terrible sweet. Last night I sat on the couch in the living room watching CSI & knitting & Lilly just rested in my lap as I kept draping yarn over her head.

There is the nicest park near the house. Really cool! 2 softball fields & a really nice baseball field. Plus an off leash area for the pooches, community garden & playground. So excited to spend time there. Seeing more of the neighborhood I realized that's it's pretty nice & normal. A few more pit bulls than usual (which is so out of fashion) but over all just regular peeps with regular homes doing regular things.

So in 2 days my 6 month self imposed sponsor suggested celibacy kick is over. Not totally sure how I'm feeling. One part of me feels like there is so much inner work I need to do alone. And another part is... ahem...hot to trot. And ready to have some kind of caring experience with another. All my sexual feelings have been coming back & it's a celebration & a true concern. Many choices in the past in concern to dating/relationships were been based on self gratification in various ways. This is no longer okay. My heart is still recovering from the last big break up. So glad C & I are no longer. And there is still some kind of love. Not in the I wanna be with her way. More just missing the familiarity we had. It saddens me even now as I write this. Harley Davidson's keep haunting me. But it's getting better.

Reading the Da Vinci code. It's poorly written. There's no style to it & the characters are totally void of personality. But it's kinda like a history lesson & Catholic thriller & really plot driven. It's tiring to read because it's non stop twists & turns but is a page turner nonetheless.

This Thursday City Hall is having it's first Pride art exhibit. I'm excited to see all the art. And it means masturbation month is coming (ha ha) to an end & Pride month is almost here! Yay yay yay! My favorite!

Peace out y'all!
~F

no caps

no caps today. the move went well yesterday. it rained right as we got to my new home which was kinda funny. all in all the whole thing took about an hour to actually move. between wednesday & yesterday i had 7 friends, 3 trucks & 2 cars to help me. so very very grateful to them. bebes appears to have a bladder infection so i'm leaving work early today to hit a meeting & get him to the vet.

i'm very tired, sore & got my period last night. but i'm happy to be sober, have wonderful friends, my cat & a safe quiet place to call home. peace!

Slow Small Steps

It has been a day. Damn near had a panic attack while working. Had to call my manager to helps on the tills while I took a break to get myself together. Then I cried & cried & like magic my sponsee calls & helps me.

The nurse Saturday told me to take small slow steps & at this point I need to follow that advice for everything.

Which means I have to make some changes in my schedule in the weeks ahead & there is fear that I may disappoint others. Fear is a bitch named Co-dependancy. So it's all about self care right now. My foot & leg is in constant pain, my cat is constipated & I can't afford the vet right now. I'm so broke I can't afford vitamins & I feeking moving.

But my friends & loved ones surround me, God is right here & today I'm calling on the angels to walk with me. Amen!

Never a Dull Moment

So Saturday I was packing & getting ready for moving this Thursday. Needed to remove some hooks off the walls that my art had been on. I stood on my bed, & removed 2 hooks. As I stepped down onto the floor my index toe on my left foot caught on the rug. Sprained the hell out of it & today (Monday) I'm off the crutches. My wonderful friend Lindsey was a jewel of a friend & took me to urgent care, waited with me for several hours & fed me french toast the next morning.

Today I feel blue. A dull ache of melancholy. It WILL go away. The PMS does NOT help though! It's all I can do to just keep pulling forward at work today. I just want to go home & read & sleep & cry. I'm frustrated from not being packed, sad to move from the Cully neighborhood, emotional from my body pain and tired as hell. Don't get me wrong I'm so grateful. I have an amazing life. But just for today I feel shitty & just for today that's okay.

Hoobie Schnoobie

So this morning my roomie tells me mi gato is on the roof of the garage. So after taking a wiz & putting on my shoes, I grabbed a very tall ladder from the garage. After climbing up ther ladder Bebes didn't like me grabbing him by the neck to pull him closer, so I climbed another rung (I don't like being on ladders despite that 2 days a weeek I'm up & down them constantly) and grabbed my cat full body, put him upon my shoulder & got him down as he purred with joy. Geez I really LOVE my cat. He's my best friend, which may sound silly or pitiful even, but too darn bad. I love him more than any human & that's the truth!

So Diane Linn lost last night. I'm sad to say but I'm glad. Though I don't really believe it's because she helped homos to get married a couple years ago. But the mainstream media certainly portrayed it that way last night & I'm sure will continue to do so. Corporate media SUCKS!

This weekend I went to a restaurant called "Sweet Tomatoes" and it was awesome! The food was very flavorful. They have all these yummy salads & yummy mac-n-cheese & crazy yummy focaccia bread with asiago cheese. Plus the staff were friendly & attentive, one woman, a manager gave me a pack of cookies in honor of my 1st visit. And the best part... it's all you can eats & costed less than $10 bucks! I seriously want to go back soon.

Anyway I'm feeling a little sad lately. Not a lot, just when I walk around the neighborhood in which I currently live. I LOVE the neighborhood so much! It's my favorite neighborhood thus far & I'm sad to leave it. Beaumont is so cool & I even love the Safeway on 71st. It's just great over there. Though it's time to move, I know I'll get to visit the area as one of my favorite meetings is over there. So la tee da. Please if you pray, please put me & my cat in your prayers.
Peace out!
~F

I Wish I Could be Nicer about Bush Wacko

But I fooking can't. He's such a dillhole! God I cannot believe people voted for him as the ruler of our Country. He's such a MORON! God help me not hate that bigoted fool as much as I do. I know it's a waste of my energy, but GAWD what a dumbass! I have an air freshener of his dumbass head on a string in my closet. There's also an air freshener that has a pic of his head with "WTF" over it. I think I have to get that next! ARRRRRG!

Another Post Today. Excerpt of a Speech by Rebecca Solnit on Books!

Books matter. Stories matter. People die of pernicious stories, are reinvented by new stories, and make stories to shelter themselves. Though we learned from postmodernism that a story is only a construct, so is a house, and a story can be more important as shelter: the story that you have certain inalienable rights and immeasurable value, the story that there is an alternative to violence and competition, the story that women are human beings. Sometimes people find the stories that save their lives in books.

The stories we live by are themselves like characters in books: Some will outlive us; some will betray us; some will bring us joy; some will lead us to places we could never have imagined. George Orwell's 1984 wasn't a story to shelter in, but a story meant to throw open the door and thrust us into the strong winds of history; it was a warning in the form of a story. Edward Abbey's The Monkeywrench Gang was an invitation in the form of a story, but even its author didn't imagine how we might take up that invitation or that Glen Canyon Dam might have taken on a doomed look by 2006. "The universe," said the radical American poet Muriel Rukeyser, "is made of stories, not atoms." I believe that being able to recognize stories, to read them, and to tell them is what it takes to have a life, rather than just make a living. This is the equipment you should have received.

Gas is NOT Sexy/Bush is a Moron

Today I am gassy! And it's pretty hot outside. I'm going to gay skate tonight (& hopefully no one will push me down!) and wonder if I'm gonna blow folks away.

So da prez thinks if we have the National Guard all over the Mexico/US border the "problem" of "illegal" immigrants will be solved. God that man is such a dumbass & everyone who likes him really is a smug bigot! Anyway have we all forgotten the Treaty of Guadalupe? And hello it's not like were gonna have the National Guard is quite the same numbers for Canada. Wanna know why? Because Bush & his fellow fookwits hate brown people! I'd move to Jamacia if it weren't so homophobic there!

HTML is Sorta Friendly

Man it's only through experience (as in trial & failure) that I'm learning to get more web savvy. And so far I'm not doing well. Trying to do cool stuff with the sidebar on this blog & have somehow shrunk the links & bolded all the text of my posts. A mystery to be solved indeed. Anywho all is good. I spoke to my mom yesterday & set up some ground rules with her. We'll see how it goes.

This morning my roomies woke me at 7:30am talking loudly in the kitchen. The night (as in morning really) the basement dweller woke me at 3am. After I somewhat unkindly asked him & his pals to "lower it" they did talk more quietly but tuned the stereo on. I got back to sleep aroung 4:30am. I can't wait to leave the house of Frat. Only 11 more days!

BTW in the weird looking links section to your left & down a bit is my new Website of the Month feature. This Month the honor goes to Pimpfants. It's on online clothing shop for kids who need to look more ghetto fabulous. Please visit them as even though I think it's kinda weird, it's really quite cool!

Lastly I added under links the a blog called BRO Watch. Highly recommened!
That's it from moi. Peace out!
~F

The Agony of Mud Butt & Felony Flats

My pal CM & I went to a fun wedding & then saw the film CSA. Well I don't know what happened exactly but something we ate was bad because she was barfing all night & having a bad case of mud butt. I only barfed once, but my tummy still feels a bit tender. Weird!

So CSA: The Confederate States of America was a good film. It portrayed Lincoln as an exiled Canadian which to me was kinda funny. Then it showed these real names for products & restaurants that don't exist anymore. One place used to be here in good ol' PDX called Coon Chicken Inn. Here's a picture of an old menu.
CRAZY!

Anyway I'm apparently moving to an area called "Felony Flats" by the locals here. And so in doing some research I came across the comment responding to an article in the Portland Tribune. It says:
Nasty nickname hurts community
In publishing the article and plastering the stereotype “Felony Flats” tabloid-style across your front page, you have done a great disservice to my neighborhood (The taming of Felony Flats, Sept. 27).
The article relied on negative stereotypes that don’t come close to describing the place where I live. Instead of a “violently ill” neighborhood teeming with “poor white trash,” I see diversity, with more than 19 language groups at our local school and numerous thriving Latino, Asian and Eastern European businesses.
Crime rates (both violent and nonviolent) are lower per capita than in more glamorous neighborhoods like Hawthorne and downtown. The recently renovated Mount Scott Community Center draws hundreds of people from across the city daily.
And, most important, residents here are actively directing the development of their neighborhood by, among other things, reinvigorating the long defunct Foster Road Streetscape Plan and reclaiming the dangerous intersection of Southeast 72nd Avenue and Woodstock Boulevard as a public gathering space featuring a design by a renowned public artist.
Ours is not a place of last resort. With home prices having risen up to 50 percent during the past two years, our neighborhood is attracting people who are interested in the possibility of making great things happen. And as for our lack of Frappuccinos, we’ll take our local, independently owned coffee shops any day!
Sarah Stacy Iannarone
Southeast Portland

Anyway I'm oddly looking forward to moving to this place. I have a good feeling about it.

Oh BTW I'm not talking to my mom for the next 6 months.
Peace out y'all!
~F

Curry & Tom Cruise

Two totally seperate personal news items.
1. Last night I made my second attemp at curry. This was a red curry dish & it turned out quite well. The veggies got a bit over cooked, which I admit is ofteb a weak point in my dishes. But I just had some leftovers from last night & it's good. I'm so happy about it.

2. So since May is masturbation month I thought I'd share one of my recent masturbation fantasties. And oh yes it got me very hot! So Tom Cruise is led away from a party with a reasonably trim leather Bear (bears are gay men who are hairy & thick) wearing one of those leather things that cross at the chest with a middle circle in the middle. Tom & the bald headed yet bearded bear found a quiet & simply furnished bedroom. The leather bear thakes off his pants & Toms as well. Then he puts his wee wee slowly into Toms ass. He goes into Toms quivering bunghole gently putting his hoobie shoobie all the way into Tom. Then the bear begins to slide his you know in & out of Toms but in fast deep thrusts, filling Tom with excitement & surrender. This action goes on for a while until Tom grabs ahold of his hoodilie doodlie furiously yanks it at the same pace as the bears thrusts. Then they come & so do I. The end!

Peace out!
~F

Umm.... like.... WOW!

So I've been having anxiety about home hunting. I loathe moving & being quasi homeless. It's again another round of big changes ahead. I'm grateful & a bit in fear & prayin' my ass off. But I'm powerless & know that I'll be alright & that my job is to find a comfortable place for my cat & I that is affordable & trimet easy.
So June may be stressful. God help me remember to breathe. I also can start dating in June & that brings another kind of feeling. Excitement & terror. But then I remember it's one day at a time. There is no sense is being afriad of what may come. My hope & goal is simply to have integrity, be loving, honest and tender in my interactions with ALL my loved ones.

Holy shit on a stick. Life seems to be movin' right along these days. Seems like today was a mini soberiety convention before noon. And too boot I wasn't even at a meeting! Got a call from someone at IWAAC asking me to be the PI/Publicity chair. Then I called my sponsor. Then one of my sponsees called me. Then I ran into someone from the rooms at a jewelery shop & upon leaving ran into another meetings dude. Then made a candle exchange for one of my sponsee's who getting (hetrosexually) wed. And called one of my sponsees for help with web tech stuff for IWAAC & finally bought a cute summer barbeque dress from my dear friend who recently celebrated a hell of a lot o' years sober. Man how cool! It's been a god-shot partaay! Anywho that's it from me. Peace out!
~F

BTW: United 93 is very very very sad. Be prepared to cry your ass off!

Words of Wisdom from Mrs. W.

My sponsor is such a rockin' lady. It's not even 10am & have already had 2 recovery phone calls. So here are the things she reminded me of this morning.

When having to make a decision, change or deal with confrontation ask the following of yourself:
1. What are your motives?
2. What price am I willing to pay?
3. Is it the loving thing to do?
She reminded me to wear life like a mumu, not spandex.
And she wants me to read & recite the St. Francis prayer everyday. Here it is (insert your name(s) for your HP):

Great Spirit, make us instruments
of your peace.
Where there is hatred
let us sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is discord, union;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.

Grant that we may not
so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood
as to understand;
To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving
that we receive;
It is in pardoning
that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are
born to eternal life.

The most important thing that has helped me is to remember that when we are in obsession, we're in our disease. Dis-Ease is not serenity.
Peace out!

Kate Clinton Stole My Heart

Kate & I after the show!

Kate & CM after the show!

CM on stage with Kate & others. It was too bright so they all look like angels in the photo!

Celebs, Ignorant Coworkers & Gandhi

Yesterday I met Shelton Hank Williams. The grandson of Hank Williams. Apparently he has a band named Assjack. Hmmm. Then last week I met Chuck Palahniuk, author of Fight Club & other books. He purchased a childrens book & told me it was for research on his next book. Exciting indeed!

Today a co-worker opened a gritty ol' can of worms by sending a global e-mail asking their opinions on Powells carrying a magazine that has reprinted cartoons of Mohammad that offended many Islamic people in Europe & abroad. The responses from employees with not even pithy, just plum ignorant. Honestly I knew better than to read these uneducated e-mails, but curiousity got the worst of me. A few of the responses were prejudiced against Islamic people. Sometimes it makes me so sad to think of all the "progressive" people in the USA who are so unaware of their own predudice in the name of Freedom. Wow!

Today I was reading more about Gandhi. I wish to be much more like him.
Peace out y'all!

Foook

Today I was not as spiritual as I could have been. A co-worker did a silly thing & then I said something. Then he said something, so I said something else with a tangy zip. Apologized after 10 min. Thank goodness it doesn't take so much time to make right a wrong. I loathe hurting others. Funny week. Most of it good. Much learned. Happiness is always here. Angels everyday! Everything is a teacher! Peace out!
~F

That's Right!

The Mariners beat LA 10-8. Today ends the series & since it's at home they ought to win. Anyway today I got on my knees & prayed per my sponsors suggestion. I did & lo & behold had an awesome day. Right now it's raining outside & sounds lovely. Though I forgot my umbrella, I like the rain all the same.

Last night was great. Didn't finish my scarf but had yummy pesto by the oh so lovely Ms. L. Went to a great meeting. Then had a mixed fruit cobbler at Perrys with the dynamic CM. I learned so much about her & what an amazing woman.

This morning on the way to work I read a buddhist perspective on desires. How they lead to suffering. How even when we get what we think we want we eventually end up suffering from the thing we got or suffer because we then need something else to desire. This is a basic principal in recovery. To be grateful for what we have & are. To accept life on life's terms, putting focus on changing the self for the better so others may benefit. I turned a lot of things into the object of my desire in the past & was never fully satisfied when I got them. Something was always missing. The quest for short term happiness never brought me joy. Now I have so much joy. Not that I don't have to keep working at it. Recently I went backwards & was angry about the world's people. The anger was about self importance, self righteousness, and control. When really underneath I just wished for peace, not just for moi, but the world. So just for today all is good. I can say I know who I am & what's important to me & what I need to stay happy & healthy. Today that is the greatest gift ever!

Mariners Lost But I Love 'em

You know they play again tonight & I really hope they kick some LA ass! Anyway my lovely pal L who is a knitress (get it, mistress & knit together) is making pesto tonight & hopefully I'll finish the scarf that has been unfinished too long. Then & meetin' & hopefully dessert my my sweet friend CM who I dare say is yummy herself. Now play ball!

More is Always Revealed

So this is a photo of myself with high school best friends Heather & Lisa when we were teenagers. Much has changed for us all. Lisa doesn't even go by Lisa anymore. Since I moved to PDX I've missed these 2 more than words can say. Recently I was sent some pics of the 3 of up when we were 16! I can't believe how much I look the same. Weird!

Anyway my mood is improving. When I'm sick I'm chicken little. Today I finally feel better. Not 100%, but okay. Something needs to be done about this getting sick all the time thing & I think some of it was figured out this morning. I was chatting w/ my coworker K & I realized that I'm totally emotionally detoxing. Just like it takes the body & mind a while to detox from booze, drugs & so on, it also has to be the case for elimination toxic people & attitudes. My system is cleaning out all the crap & I'm dealing with things I have not faced in years. So now is the time to be more gentle with myself & others as I have to remember when others are actin' loco that they are sick & need love & encouragement. Mee thinks it's time to integrate meditation into my life more. Calm the racebrain from the get go. So much I know in my mind, but it takes years to feel in my heart. Lucky for me I never stay hurt, sad, angry, etc. for long. My knuckleheaded optimisim always comes through & for that I am grateful!

Which Circle of Hell?

You know I'm so fawking sick of getting sick. This time a flu with a sinus & lung infection. This is three times totally sick since November. I don't know what to do. I'm feeling so frustrated. I quit drinking years ago. Quit smoking a while back. Take my vitamins, eat organic, exercize & work on my mental health too. And I've just been feeling mad lately. Mad about how bloddy awful people are. And I'm a people. Just totally frustrated with people not caring about other people. From sneezing on others to murdering people for sport. So I'm thinking this anger & my illness go hand in hand some how. It's like I wake up lately & there it is, my mind whirling with all the injustices of the world & I'm mentally trying to battle all of it by reason. I'm trying to reason with the air in my skull. And I catch myself doing this & practice deep breathing & my mind rests again. But as soon as I get up it's the swirl of the poopybrain again.

My brain had been so calm after C & I split up. Now I'm having a tough time relaxing & accepting again. I just fawking hate the ridiculousness of our humanity. So I have to talk to that little girl inside me. Tell her that yes sometimes life isn't fair. But that if we pause & breathe & look at nature & in our hearts, that in the end, it's all okay.