This is My Post Turkey Day Title

Yesterday I had a most perfect day off. I volunterred for a couple hours and then saw Casino Royale. I hate to admit this but Daniel Craig was a most excellent Bond. Very manly but also the most tender Bond I've seen. And his co-star Eva Green as Vesper has very pretty eyes. A fun film all around.

So my sweetie gets back Monday not Wednesday & I'm happy about that. Hopefully you regular readers aren't completly sick of me whining about how I miss her. If you are, your reign of terror ends after this weekend. Then you'll get to read me bitch about how busy my life is.

So NaBloPoMo has been quite an adventure. I've discovered some great blogs and ideas and sights. Inspiring is the word as the more blogs I perused the more changes I made to my own. One thing I have noticed is that there are a lot of the NaBloPoMo participants who are white. Maybe I'll organize a POC one or GLBT one or something. Another thing that bothers me is that the Fussy blog header looks a lot like a lynching scene. I left her a comment on it today but it kinda freaks me out & I'm not sure if I'm overreacting. Will y'all weigh in on this. Here we go. And I may get sued for having these pics on my blog & if so I'll take them down cuz I'm poor and can't afford an attorney.

Okay this is the header from Fussy. Now here are a couple of lynching pics.



What the hell?!?!
Please visit the website Without Sanctuary. It's very powerful and reminds us that Michael Richards comments about the good ol' days of hanging blacks is only so far away and very ugly indeed.

That's it from me. Tomorrow is the Decades Vintage bash celebrating 10 years of great vintage and benefiting Alzheimers Association of Oregon.

Here's the invite:
See you there!

I'm Going Home

Home is subjective but what I mean is I'm going back to Minneapolis to see my family for X-mas. The flight is books, seats are picked and now I just need to mentally/physically/spiritually prepare for the trip. Never have I gone home in the winter. This will be the first and I have no idea if I'll be warm enough. Portland is so temperate and the only time I've been truly cold is when several years ago we had an ice storm & I waited two hours outside for the #8 bus. I don't have snow boots but I do have wool socks & such from my snowboarding days.

Mentally and spiritually there are some things I have to prepare for because I have family shit (I know it's shocking!). My ma & I have a wonderful relationship when we're physically far apart. Get us in the same room and it's less than stellar. I love her and have forgiven her for the many painful moments of our past. The problem is she's still struggling with and unaware of her actions and reactions. From her lack of understanding her white privilege to expecting others to behave exactly the way she wants, it can be difficult for me to deal with her in longer than 15 minute intervals. But for all that I care & feel great affection for her all the same. It is because despite the horrors of my upbringing she has always fiercely loved me. Not always in the ways I wanted & needed, but in the ways I didn't know I needed.

Mom nurtured the artist in me. She brought home endless supplies of paper and paint, drove me at all hours to play practice, always showed up at book fares, encouraged me in singing, film and self expression in general. Culture was so important than even though we were poor and could barely afford the basics she made sure to yearly renew our membership at the Minneapolis Art Museum so we could go to the openings and art house films that were hosted there. Every six weeks we would make the 45 minute drive to the library that had paintings patrons could check out, so that there would be new art on our walls. She supported me when I died my hair various shades of purple, bright red, blue and green (she didn't like the green because she said it didn't compliment my skin tone, which was true). I was free to create and express myself growing up. Free to dance, make jokes, read and protest my government. Mom was always supportive if not there with me.

Going to al-anon meetings has really helped over the years with dealing with mom and everyone else for that matter. So I'll beef up on meetings, meditate, pray and envision a great trip. I think it will be good. I'm most excited to see my grandma who turned 93 today! I love her with all my heart and I cannot wait to see her wrinkled soft face and tan hair. I have her beautiful black eyes and mischievous grin. She means the world to me.

Well enough family stuff, I have to get ready to volunteer and such. Though I don't celebrate Thanksgiving I do like turkey, gravy, stuffing and such and love to see friends and loved ones. Since I won't be with my family I'll be with my recovery friends. Here's a funny cartoon about thanksgiving. Peace y'all!

Black Face/The Racism Fairy and Mary

Oh yes he did it. If you haven't already seen it Michael Richards (aka Kramer) was in the 1986 film Whoops Apocalypse in... you guessed it, black face. Don't believe me? Check out this post on Vibe Confidential. Kinda makes this whole "I'm not a racist and can't believe I said those things" argument look a bit less believable.

Reappropiate has a very funny post about how Mr. Richards was bitten by a racist fairy. He said he was shocked and mystified. As if some magickal occurrence happened. Somehow these racist and violent words dropped upon him like a cosmic light ray and suddenly Mr. Richards was channeling these appalling ideas/words. We know that's not true with him portraying an "afro-American" in 1986.

Shame on everyone who is apologizing for this guy including Jerry Seinfeld, Rosie O'Donnell, The real Kramer and anyone else who says it's not a big deal or that he's a nice guy and just lost his cool. When I lose my cool I don't bring in race. Usually I bring up their lack of fashion sense! (ha)

Alright I'm tired of thinking about the Kramer thing right now.

My beloved Ms. Mary called me from Rome today! My phone was turned off so I got a nice voice mail and I swear my toes tingled every time she said ummm umm. She umm's a lot. It was so nice to hear her voice and I miss her so much. I don't think I've ever understood the whole absence makes the heart grow fonder thing until now. It's not that my heart is fonder but more sure that she is so very special. Only a week to go until she gets home. She got to see the pyramids in Egypt and such. I can't wait to see her pics.

Tomorrow I fill out lots of paperwork. That's how I'm spending "thanksgiving." I'm going back to college this Winter. At last! I'm going to The Art Institute of Portland. It's an art school geared towards many types of design and art. It's going to be expensive and I'm a bit nervous about where the money is coming from in terms of school and living expenses. I can't work myself ragged but I'll be pretty busy. It's in HP's hands. I'm ready for this though and very grateful for this opportunity. Woo hoo!
~F

More than the N Word

What it seems folks aren't getting about this whole thing with Michael Richards is that there is so much more to be upset about than just saying nigger. It's the white privilege and white supremacy that emerges when some white people get angry with people of color. I can't tell you how many times I've seen this. A white person gets upset with a person of color for whatever reason and the racial slurs come flying. You never would have seen Mr. Richards say horrid things regarding race to other white men. He never would have brought up historical atrocities perpetrated by other races upon the white mens ancestors.

Saying the N word isn't nearly as offensive as saying how back in the day black people used to be hung. And in such a statement alluding that they should be hung because these men "interrupted a white man." Can we say entitlement? Instead of apologizing for saying "bad" things he needs to think about what is going on in his mind about people of color. Because a racist tirade doesn't just come out of nowhere. A person has to have those feelings inside them in the first place. He does not say "I'm clearly dealing with racist/white supremacist ideology and that needs to change." He simply says I'm sorry I should not have said (in public?) such things.

If more white people were willing to look at their racism instead of denying it with excuses about their black friends and liking rap, maybe our society could finally move on. Telling folks of color to "get over it" is NOT the answer when whites are completely addicted to viewing things in terms of race. Don't believe me? Look at the origins of how this country "began." Look at who was brought here to build other peoples wealth. Look who tried to stop certain folks from being able to vote. People of color wouldn't have to "make an issue" out of race if it hadn't built this country to what it is now. I'm sick of excuses. People need to begin to tell the truth to themselves and look into their hearts and examine their prejudice. Without doing that, not much will change. At least Mr. Richards said he needed to do work on a personal level. Let's hope he and everyone else can!

Messed Up!

Rememer Kramer from Seinfeld? Well Michael Richards who starred as kramer had a few choice words for a black man who heckeled him at a show he did on Friday night. Check out the TMZ article. Here's a snippet of what he said: “Fifty years ago we’d have you upside down with a f***ing fork up your ass.” "Throw his ass out. He’s a nigger! He’s a nigger! He’s a nigger! A nigger, look, there’s a nigger!” "That's what happens when you interrupt a white man!" Lovely.

And Kanye West proved what a kind a loving man he is. In an upcoming interview with Essence Magazine Mr. West referred to mixed raced women as "mutts." Too boot he said “If it wasn’t for race mixing, there’d be no video girls.” Glad were good for something! Check out Media Take Out for more.

And the OJ book is no longer. Thank goodness!

How Folks Do It According to My Slutty Astrological Experiences

So my last few posts have been less than scintillating so here's a juicyone for y'all. So those who know me can tell you I love astrology andsex. I'm also what the boys called "experienced" so I thought I'd be agood person to share my insights on how people do-it according to their astrological energy. Please note that I said energy instead of Sun signbecause sometimes a person will have a Sun in Taurus but many otherplanets in Leo and will therefore be a lot more Leo like. If you arewondering what the hell I'm talking about with planets and how there ismore than "what's your sign" to astrology send me a line & I'll explain. Additionally I would be happy to do your chart. For a fee of course, this is America after all! So here we go.

Aries: Generally fun, willing to experiment and able to get freaky. Theyreally like to have sex in the shower or in bathrooms in general.

Taurus: They lick a lit so if your not into that try someone else. Theyare solid in bed and will work to make sure you get off.

Gemini: Talk ain't cheap with these folks. They want to hear you moan andsay nasty things about how good they feel to you. They love to try manythings and are quite physical. Water sports are okay with them.

Cancer: Another group of folks who like to lick. They love to be pleasedand are okay with being mostly the "bottom." Some of them will punish youin bed if you like that sort of thing.

Leo: Playful but god forbid if you don't cum. They bring their heart andego into sex. Don't be surprised if a casual thing turns into a bona fiderelationship as they love to love.

Virgo: Believe it or not these folks are powerhouse lovers who can begentle, romantic, fierce and detached. All around good, solid lovers.

Libra: Sweet, sweet and more sweet. They like romance and can be swept sexually away by your beauty and prowess. They invite rapture and alwaystry to return it. They're into anal.

Scorpio: Yes they like to do the things many won't but there is somethingabout them that even casually is quite serious. Be prepared for boundarypushing combined with a clear sense of safety.

Sagitarius: They're humpers as they are prone to use their hips a lot. Playful, passionate and sometimes reckless they want thier orgasm and ifyou don't get them off, they'll turn to the side and do it themselves.

Capricorn: They can think a bit too much and sometimes need to seduced abit more than other folks. When they're able to let go, the sex is like ayummy satisfying steak dinner.

Aquarius: They love to close their eyes and relax into words, foods and ofcourse their lover. They are able to tap into the energy of sexing,bringing vibrating stimilation to your body for an otherworldlyexperience.

Pisces: They can be great but sometimes are half there and half somewhereelse. Great sensualists they like to pleasure with their imaginations and every body part possible.

Tired

I'm tired as heck today. There is a most awesome show going on at Holocene tonight & I'm just exhausted. Too much wheat yesterday I think and forgetting to take my vitamins until after 5pm doesn't help. Though I don't have much on my mind in terms of blogging, I must say I'm totally confused about the new O.J. Simpson book. What the hell was he thinking? I know some of you will be shocked but for the longest time I didn't think he did it. Sometimes I still don't know. He was like a hero and quasi father figure to me growing up. The whole thing is still bizzare to me. I just wish O.J. would not bring such negative attention to himself. Whack is the word.

Well that's it for now. Peace!

Short & Simple Post Tonight

I'm tired and with less than an hour to go before my post being due for NaBloPoMo qualification here's what I have to say.

La la la la!

Okay. Here's a pic that I took this summer. It will remind you of summer! I love my camera phone.

Also Mark Morford has a most excellent whip smart article on Marriage Equality. Check it out here. And on another note check out the Rolling Stone article on Sasha Cohen a.k.a. Borat. Last but not least Justin Timberlake's "Ghetto" pass has been revoked. We can all breathe easier.

Okay goodnight y'all! Big kisses!

~F

Busy Yet Slow Day

This day has been good for the most part. I guess I just don't have that much to say. I miss Mary a lot and my jealousy (ever notice jealousy has the word lousy in it?) has reared its little demon head a lot since she left. It started when she mentioned something about a friend of hers thinking some chick was flirting with her on the ship. Boy you'd think someone stabbed me in the heart I was so upset. Everyone I'd talk to I'd complain there was some little hussy trying to move in on my girlfriend. Turns out this chick is straight & I'm just insecure.

Well now after reading her travel blog I see that she's surrounded by lesbians on this cruise & I'm freaking out on it. I knew of other women in the group she was with but on the ship they have lgbt socials & a group of the lesbians that travel about at the locations they visit and Mary is a part of it. *sigh*

Why I get so insecure is beyond me. Well that's not true. I think in part I know.

Years ago, in my 2nd year of sobriety from drinking I loved a man. He was 16 years older than me, a Scorpio and a therapist. We were together 2 years, living together the last year. We had moved in together with an intention of a long term partnership. Why else would folks who are shagging shack up? Anyway the day we were moving the trouble began. A painting he had painted while we were dating I had fallen in love with. I told him how much I loved it and wanted to have if someday. He'd say "it will come to you" everytime I saw it. On the day we moved, we were getting his stuff from his artists studio when I noticed a painting very similar to the one I was to receive. I asked why he made a 2nd one (which was not as good). He said he lost the other one. It made no sense. I asked how & he said he had rolled it up and put it in his car and it must have blew out or something. Realizing this he decided to make me a new one & hoped I wouldn't notice.

Notice I did & though I thought it was sweet he tried to fix that he lost it (which seriously is something he'd do. He was a nutty professor type) I was pained that he lost something I treasured so much. It was the beginning of the end that lasted an entire year. In the last 2 months we were on again and off again despite living together. We planned a holiday together despite the increasing chaos of confusion. He was going to Greece and we'd meet 2 weeks later in Paris and from there go to Spain. Tickets were purchased and I was excited to finally get out of the United States. A little over a week before the trip we had a couples counselling session and I knew we were done. I declared myself single though it was a very painful decision. I had to end it because hanging on would have meant losing myself to how he wanted me to be. With that I knew going to Europe on my own wasn't an option. I didn't have the time to plan a solo trip, nor the means. I canceled my ticket and got ready to say goodbye to a man I loved but could not live with.

Our last night together was so hard. We were still friends and loved each other. We still had chemistry. I watched as he packed, my mind reeling on how we were going to deal with living together after he got back. Not knowing who was staying or leaving we decided to deal with that upon his return. After he packed we made love for the last time. It was beautiful like our sex often was. We came together with the greatest of ease then wept in each others arms knowing this was goodbye. We wept the way one does when you can't go on, but you do all the same. The next day we kissed goodbye at the airport and I watched him walk away.

A week and a half later he calls me from Greece. He's on an island and it's beautiful he says. The waters are so blue/green you wouldn't believe it. The air mild yet full. And how would I feel about the fact that he's having sex with some other woman because he is. "Your free" I say to him. "But how do you feel?" he asks. I evade. He keeps asking over and over "how do you feel how do you feel?" until I explode in a rage I had never known. I tell him in a guttural growl "I'm angry!" and hang up. 16 years older than my 26 year old self asking how I feel. My heart broke all over again.

He calls to tell me he's in beautiful blue/green Greece and already screwing someone and wants to know how I feel. It was the cruelest thing anyone had done to me besides the abuse I went through as a kid.

He and I had a very intense sex life. I gave myself over to him completly. I lived out every crevice of my sexuality with him. So when he told me he was already sexual with another woman no less (he's queer and at the time I was more obsessed about gender), I knew he had the right, he was free. But I suddenly questioned the sacredness of our sex. I was blown away from the pain of opening up only to be, what felt like tossed easily aside.

I ran from that pain into the arms of another within a week. And ran and ran until my breakup last year. Years I ran away from the hurt. Slept with people who I thought would never make me feel unsafe again. People who would hold my sexuality and heart sacred. And with each person I ran further into a lost land of misplaced hope. It's a murkey place that appears to be pretty until you realize everything is muted in that soft focus.

My heart woke up after its very long and hazy nap. I saw life through the lense of freedom and dignity and truth. I changed my sober date, let go of having to be the prettiest, sexiest, smartest girl in the room. I became my own sweet self. And then I met Mary.

New to complete self acceptance all my shit has been stirred again. And having her far away in Greece is a trigger from hell. It's forcing me to look inside and be still and know that no matter what I'm love. That god/dess is within me and that god/dess is love and therefore I am love and will be alright. I stand at the precipice of my own love. And my memories are haunting me in very deep place. What will I do? Where will I go from her. Today I am a question mark waltzing down a country road.

I guess I had something to say after all. Good night & sleep tight y'all!

I'd Like to See NaBloHoMo

Seriously. Wouldn't it be great to participate in a month long blogging event by & for queers? As soon as I can figure out how to umm... make a darn website I'm going to try & produce such an event. Unless someone else does it first. Anyway...

So today I celebrated one year sober/clean. Actually celebrated is far too strong of a word. I'll say I acknowledged my one year clean. The truth is sobriety feels more like one day at a time then ever. Because it is really just about today. So there's no real excitement over today like past anniversaries. Everyday feels more precious and exciting then I can even begin to explain. I'm free from the bondage of an abusive relationship that led me to using vicodin to cope basically. There's way more background to it which I've mentioned in past posts. Being free of that drama and unhappiness has been the greatest gift. Thank you Goddess for giving me freedom!

I guess I just don't have too much more to say tonight. As Anita Loos once said "Fate keeps on happening." Goodnight y'all!
~F

So Funny I Cried

Check these out. Oh my gawd!

http://tv.truenuff.com/mac/performance.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFCV5DeMxeQ

More later. Enjoy these videos with your coffee. I hope you like it black!
~F

I Won the Blog of the Day

That's right! I can't believe it. I have so many to thank. First I want to say thank you to the little people. You know who you are. Then I'd like to thank the Blog of the Day people. Thank you for giving an award to a blog such as mine. I'd like to thank Zee for all her wonderful help. I'd like to thank my mom for always being there even when she was drunk and screwing a guy in the Hells Angels. I'd like to thank my gf Mary for letting me use her laptop when we should have been "doing it." Lastly I'd like to thank my self for going to the website for going to the Blog of the Day blog and nominating my own damn self!



News:
Well alrighty then. So at work today I had a customer tell me about the Inverted Jenny that was found on an absentee ballot. What the hell is an Inverted Jenny? It's a stamp with a picture of an airplane named the Inverted Jenny. The plane was popular in WWI because it could fly upside down. I hope I got that right. So anyhow this stamp worth $200,000 is now being questioned. Experts are thinking it's a fake. Wild! Check out this article for more info.

While I was reading that article on the International Herald Tribune I saw this about Rumsfeld being sued by Germany for war crimes. The suit involved the torture inflicted upon Iraqi's at Abu Ghraib. I know it's sadly possible that not much will come of this law suit. But I'm so glad that people are paying attention and are working to hold Rumsfeld and BushCo. responsible for crimes against humanity.

Jesus dolls. Sounds like a whack ass idea for presents to kids right? Well the Associated Press reported that the bible thumping Teddy Bear Co. tried to donate 4,000 of these christian figures to Toys for Tots. Now keep in mind Toys for Tots is a charity of the Marine Reserves. Well anyway They said NO to Teddy Bear Co. A rep. for Toys for Tots said “We can’t take a chance on sending a talking Jesus doll to a Jewish family or a Muslim family. Kids want a gift for the holiday season that is fun.” I can't believe I'm going to write this but Goddess bless the Marines!
Last news item du jour involves students at Texas A&M making a video where one student wearing blackface pretends to be a slave while the other student is the "master." The video of this thing is so disgusting that I'm regretting ever viewing it. Racism has come back for a whole new generation and it's very very ugly. In some ways more ugly then its been in years. For more check out this post from my favorite blog racialicious. And just an fyi white people: calling things "ghetto" is simply not cool.


Well that's about it. Tomorrow I will wake up one more day clean & sober. It will also mark a year clean & sober. I am so grateful!
Peace!
~F

My 1st iTunes Mix

Well there is one upside to my girlfriend being gone. Unfettered access to all things techy that is installed on her computer. I've taught myself more stuff on her computer in the last 6 days then in the last year. She is a Microsoftie so one can only expect there is lots of fun things contained in her lovely laptop. Okay so here is the mix I made solely from songs from her lists. Some of these are songs I have wanted to have but was too cheap to buy the album. Enjoy!

Set Adrift On Memory Bliss -P M Dawn
In da Club -50 Cent (whatever happened to that guy?)
Rump Shaker -Wreckx N Effect
Sabotage -Beastie Boys
Drop It Like It's Hot -Snoop Dogg & Pharrell Williams
Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours -Stevie Wonder
In the Still of the Night -Ella Fitzgerald
Someone to Watch Over Me -Etta James
Clocks -Coldplay
The Scientist- Coldplay
Shadowboxer -Fiona Apple
The Beautiful Ones -Prince & the Revolution
Take Me with U -Prince & you know who people!
Would I Lie to You -Eurythemics
If I Can't Have You- Yvonne Eliman (from the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack)
Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough -Michael Jackson *sigh*
Tell Me Something Good -Rufus & Chaka Khan
My Doorbell -White Stripes

My next mix will be called "Dance Bitches!" Obviously it will be a dance mix but with my own music. It will be of course mainly hip-hop but with Ray of Light by Madonna or something.

Onto something different. Yesterday I spent a couple hours reading some of the blogs participating in NaBloPoMo using the Randomizer (see sidebar if you have no idea what I'm talking about). I really like some of the stuff folks put into their sidebars. I saw a prayer scroll, a clock ticking along, a Powells Card button showing what books the blogger wanted, lots of buttons for others blogs and some funny blog faux winner buttons. And you know there are a heck of a lot of blogs on parenting a.k.a. mommy blogs. Not a judgement, just...wow. A great non-NaBloPoMo I checked out yesterday is Wikipedia Knowledge Dumper. It's an appreciation page for rejected Wikipedia enteries. Brilliant! It's my new WOTM. Another blog I've added to the blogroll is yoga gumbo. Found that one through NaBloPoMo and it's the only somewhat mommy blog on the list. Most likely will stay that way. Her latest post has a Bad Yogi Bingo board. Super funny!

Okay I have to say this. I miss Mary! I know that it's only 2 more weeks before my beloved comes home but boo hoo! Yesterday she was in Athens and said at one point it felt like the whole world in her arms. Cool! I sent her some pics I took of her cat & myself (looking crappy) this morning. Here is the one of her cat for your viewing pleasure.


This is Snuffy. She often has a lot to say.
She misses her mama & loves to sleep.

Last but not least a new redolence button if you wanna slap it on your blog if you wish. You know you do!

PMS Can Suck It/Neat Web Links

Holy crap. Can anyone say grumpy. Today I didn't make it to work because my body was so exhausted from stress/hormones. My whole afternoon was spent crashed out on my girlfriends couch with her cat by my side. I guess I just needed a day to rest and hibernate from the place called "out there." It doesn't help that by beloved is basically a million miles away & my one year clean date is around the corner. At the same time in the last few days I've been reliving the awfulness of my last relationship a year ago and vicodin usage that went with it, combined with the triggering affects of being without my sweetheart and some funky sense of abandonment. Not too mention in less than a month I turn 32 and have been really feeling lost about career stuff. Anyway though I'll have to work my ass off this week to make up the time missed from today but I hope this time inside will keep me fueled for the duration of the unpleasant spike in hormones.

So right after I woke up this afternoon I heard the radio DJ mention that Kevin Federline is going to sell a sex tape he made with miss Britney, unless she forks over more money. Read this article for the scoop. Though I'm not a fan of Brit I think that crazy soon to be ex. of hers is quite a dick & I hope that girl grows up a little and moves on from her terrible mistake.

Now for something a bit more interesting. I was on racialicious and ran into some very intriguing articles. So some damn fool jive turkey mofo came up with a brilliant tee shirt. It has a smiley face with a fro that says "I'm hung like a black man." See the blurb on it. Just gross!

Speaking of gross inventions this article from variety.com tells us all about VH1's new reality show coming in January called "The White Rapper Show." Oh yes it gets even more odd. Some of the "challenges" for the contestants include trying to "mesh" with black culture by apparently selling sno-cones in clubs and rapping before and audience of bonafide black folk. It looks like there is a very real possibility of the network trying to play into stereotypes for ratings just like this seasons Survivor. Ya know the "black folks are oh so scary" or "white folks have no soul" crap. Errg!

Finally a funny. This from The Angry Black Woman. Hilarious. Thank you Amazon for fulfilling all your customers needs!

So there are some new sites being added to my side bar. Please check these out.

• Colours of Resistance and has some great articles including one called 25 Ways to Tokenize or Alienate a non-white Person Around You and another good one, Stop Saying This Is a Nation of Immigrants!
• Another great one is Women of Color Blog. Her tag line is "We are the Women the World Requires." So damn true! Her blog has many you tube videos and she says it like it is. Thank Goddess! There's a great tag for Healthy Cooking While Poor.
• Finally a new favorite for me is the blog queering me. Her latest post is on all white dating. No way you say. Well go see for yourself. I'm borrowing the Cost of War thing. Oh and she has a great post on a rally these white kids from The University of California had over the fact that they are the minority there. *sigh*

Well that's it from me. Here's to a peaceful week and a year (on Wednesday) clean and very sober.

Happy Saturday Y'all!

Well I spelled its wrong, but happy Saturday anyway.

A Great Way to Start My Day

This morning I damn near had to force myself to meditate. It's as though one part of my brain knows that if I meditate for even 2 minutes I feel better. The other part just whines and bleats "I don't wanna!" It's as though there is a very real & stubborn part of me that just doesn't want me to be serene. Like the calm that meditation provides is so unfamiliar I can hardly stand it. Thank Goddess it's a practice. That there are no real rules & the point in the end is... calm. So here's what my little meditation was like.

• Sit on the floor with my back straight, legs crossed over each other, hands on knees.
• Close eyes and simply relax, noticing where my breath is at.
• Start taking slightly bigger breaths.
• Then take big lung filling breaths, focusing only on my breath.
• When my mind wanders gently (meaning I don't tell myself I'm an idiot for losing focus after like 30 seconds) returning focus to my breath.
• When it feels right breath in deeply and slowly holding for 5 seconds, then exhaling slowly and pausing for 5 seconds.
• And again bring attention back to breath. Remembering this is only a practice, that I don't need to do it perfectly.
• When it feel right end by bringing my hands together to my chest and bowing to the Spirit inside saying "namaste."
• Raising arms above head stretching them wide like the letter y from the song "YMCA" and praying for Spirit, the Goddess, Jesus or whatever to fill me with grace and love.
• Return hands to chest and bowing to the Spirit all around in gratitude for guidance saying again "namaste."

Every time I do this I feel less anxious. More calm. I just flow better. And due to my asthma my lungs feel nice and open. I had a naturopath say grief is stored in the lungs. So I figure meditation helps medically in physical & mental ways. Can't beat that!

Also I'm PMSing & emotional from being without Mary. She's doing great by the way. But I realize meditating can help calm the anxiety of hormones & annoyance. And for that I am grateful! Peace!

I'm Blogging After Midnight?!?!

I can't believe it's after midnight & I'm on the computer. Please forgive my very ghetto banner for my blog. I'm teaching myself photoshop, which quite frankly confuses me. My gf's computer has photoshop Premier & I'm having trouble getting as jiggy with it as I'd like. Needless to say NaBloPoMo has inspired me to do much more with this blog. However all my attempts at making it beautiful will be crude at best until I have more experience or take a class or two.

Grumpiness is fading but not gone. Seems that my girlfriend being gone is having a greater effect on me than anticipated. I feel basically annoyed that's she's not here. And annoyed I'm not getting so much of her attention as I'm now used to. Strange reaction I know. I wish I could snap my fingers & make the feeling stop. My goal for the next 3 weeks is for just remember myself & my wonderful life with or without her. I need to go to bed. Or play more FreeCell. God help me!
~F

Post # 2 for 11/10/06

So I feel a bit grumpy. So I thought I'd share this poem as it often helps me.

Poem by a Native American Healer
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing

It doesn’t interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love
for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or,
have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
if you can dance with wilderness and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be
careful, realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you’re telling is true
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul

I want to know if you can be faithful, and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty
even when it’s not pretty every day,
and if you can source your life from God’s presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine,
and still stand on the edge of a lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon, “yes!”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live,
or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone,
and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you are, how you came to be here,
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have
studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Peace y'all!

Veteran's Day. Do I Really Care?

This morning I was thinking about veteran's day. It occured to me that with the exception of WWII when we we're trying to get the Nazi's out of power, that I disagree with the politics behind the participation of the US in any of the wars we've been in. So how can I honor the vets when their job was to go kill (usually brown skinned) people, not to defend our country but to show how big and powerful we are. If you're a soldier & you kill others, no matter what your president says is the reason, you're a murderer. Why would I want to honor murderers? It just seems wrong to say honor those who murders in Vietnam. Those who murder in Iraq. Those who murder in the name of defense when there is no defence needed. So I'm sorry but I do not honor Veteran's day. I don't not have anything nice to say about it. So with that I'll shut up about it.

Mark Morfords article today had me laughing & nodding in agreement. Read it here. I love him!

Here's my church sign generator of the month. Enjoy!

Too Much Internet

Seriously I'm in shock. Yesterday after my girlfriend left I got on the computer at about 1pm & didn't even look up at the time until 5:41pm. I missed seeing my pal, but figured since I was already online I'd continue doing stuff. I finally got out to Fred Meyer to get some groceries because I had not eaten since 10am. Go back home & what do you know. More internet until Midnight. Granted I was working on my blog, figuring out html stuff & trying to come up with my own redolence buttons, but goodness.

This morning I felt a kind of emptiness from spending my entire day off on the computer. So I meditated & feel better. Since I promised myself I'd do NaBloPoMo that's what I'll do. But other than that I've learned a great lesson. One can have too much of a good thing.

Some things I'm observing from this NaBloPoMo experience is how critical other bloggers can be of other blogs. One person has gone so far as to calculate percentages of what she called "personal ramblings that I really couldn't find overall theme for." Another catagory was "I really wasn't sure what the blog was supposed to be about, I guess these could also be considered personal." Dude when & if this chick checks out my blog I hope she can just enjoy it or move on from it without having to make judgements. And as I noted yesterday the gal from pinkelephants had issues with seeing the same templates over & over. Even fussy's writing well is the best revenge line seems a bit off putting. My goal with this blog is that it is a journey. It's point is whatever you may find. For me I get to self teach myself aspects of html. Plus I get to see parts of myself & life & that which is important reflected out & then back again. Maybe I'm not writing well, don't have a fancy template or ramble about stuff with no overall theme, but that's what life is all about sometimes. And I'm okay with that.

Anyway here is another button I made. Enjoy!

A Bash for Alzheimers

My good pal John is having a bash in honor of his store Decades Vintage Company turning 10 years old. The party will take place at Stumptown Coffee's downtown location at 128 SW 3rd Ave. November 25th at 8pm is when the event occurs. There is a request for $10 dollar donations at the door that will go to the Alzheimer's Association of Oregon. I'll personally be there pimping raffle tickets & working the door. There will be treats, beverages & several DJ's to keep the party flowing. All in all it will be fun & of course a celebration!

When I met John several years ago our first conversations were about our love of vintage clothing. There is still not a week that goes by where at least one outfit has plenty of vintage jewelry or clothing to it. And what I've always loved about his store (which I have worked at part time in the past & sometimes on-call in the present) is the quality. Check out this Q&A with Brian Libby. Many things may seem expensive to the Goodwill shopper because John only sells clothing that has no rips or tears, has all it's buttons & often has NEVER been worn. Most vintage stores in town can't say that! Quality vintage is worth it's weight in gold & then sometimes when you're a busy woman like me & need clothing that doesn't need repairs it's nice to have a place to find great vintage at decent (but not cheap, he does have to make a living) prices.

Yay to the Demos. Yay to the New Look of my Blog. Boo hoo to my Girlfriend Leaving for 3 Damn Weeks.

It appears that control of the Senate is dependent on Virginia. Other than that the democrats stood pretty strong in the elections. Even though I'm not the biggest fan of Kulongoski, I'm glad he won to Saxton or as I liked to call him, Ron the robot. Measures 41 & 43 bounced, thank goodness. Measure 45 lost which is fine. I can't believe measure 39 passed so overwhelmingly. I believe if folks had thoroughly read their voter pamphlets they might have changed their minds. Ahh well. 40 & 42 bit the dust and measures 46 died while 47 passed which is funny because they kinda went together. Needless to say watching the elections was really more like watching a sports competition. Thank goodness Dancing with the Stars was on.

Well as those you you who have been reading my blog can see, I've changed it's look. And I'm so pleased! After looking through some of the 1,913 blogs that are participating in NaBloPoMo I saw that many folks had the same template as me. This was only the final straw as I have always liked the more stark clean looks of others blogs and saw that the gal who' blog is Pink Elephants complained recently about how so many blogs looked alike. And my good pal Zee is working on her blog look as well & so I just finally did it. I love blue & orange and so those are the focus colors as you can see. My blog feels like me now. And I like how I get to futz around with the colors of my google ads, which now advertise things I'm actually okay with like gay stuff & recovery stuff. There was an ad for Ann Coulter (she-devil) so ya know, whatever.

So if you didn't know the randomizer for NaBloPoMo was done quite kindly by Lane at Pink Elephants. And now there is a button to click on to begin your blog reading adventure. And here it is: The button is going into my sidebar so have fun & check our the whopping nearly 2,000 blogs to enjoy or dislike. I hope mine is not one folks dislike. But if so then ya know...go suck it! Just Kidding!

A few hours ago Mary took off for her three week adventure in anywhere but Paris. She has a new travel blog called Over the Rolling Seas. Check her adventures out at http://rollingseas.blogspot.com/. She'll most likely change the template of her travel blog but not until she gets back of course. Right now she's in a car with her pals on the way to Seattle. She won't get into Rome until tomorrow late in the day. I just hope she has fun. I'll miss her, but since I'm house sitting her cat & such, her spirit will be all around me.

Peace!

A Cornucopia of Info. Voting, Bushwhack & Recommendations

Voting, Bushwhack & Recommendations
Well if you don't know today is voting day or here in the other P-Town the last day you can turn in your ballot. Were mail in here in Oregon, in case ya didn't know. Anyway it sounds like this election is turning ugly with reports of fraud in Wyoming, A hard line abortion measure in South Dakota & banning marriage equality in Wisconsin. And of course everyone is wondering if the House & Senate will go democrat & remain on the bitter clutches of the GOP. I'm just glad that this year I really focused on the measures & did not vote without serious consideration of each issue. Many do not study up on measures and candidates before casting the ballot & I'm not sure that isn't just as dangerous as not voting at all. Coming from peoples who had to fight, bleed & die to be able to vote, I take it seriously as a citizen & a human. Here's a great quote I read today.

"The right to vote is perhaps the most important aspect of American democracy," said U.S. Attorney Debra Wong Yang

Voting, Bushwhack & Recommendations
Well I didn't know this until I came across it on Crallspace.
Bushwhack has signed martial law into effect, if "needed." However knowing how trigger happy that beast of a man is I could see us easily turning into a police country at the slightest perceived provocation. Da Prez actually said that if democrats win the congress that terrorists will win. Holy crap you did you believe you just read that, cuz I can hardly believe I just typed it. While I still have the right to free speech I'll say it: I hate Bush. I hate him like I hate everything that is corrupt & distorts beauty. Though I'll be the first to say he's not the problem, it's a faulty government system that's our problem, I still just hate him. Oh dear Goddess grant me the serenity...


Voting, Bushwhack, Recommendations
Okay here are some things I recommend for your fall enjoyment.

Movies-
Okay seriously Borat was fawking hilarious. I laughed 90% of the time if not more. It's been a while since I've laughed until my belly hurt. Mary & I think a good way to describe it is that's a mix between Jackass, Best in Show & Team America. See it I swear you'll love it!

The Departed was wonderful. Leo & Matt were convincing & there was just enough action & psychological drama to keep me on the edge of my seat.

Music:
Bassbossa has done this wonderful remake of Chris Isaac's song Wicked Game. You can listen to part of the son by going to their myspace web page. http://www.myspace.com/bassboosa

Thanks to Miz Mary I have the latest Basement Jaxx album. Their latest album is Crazy Itch Radio. It's electro/house done with some funky energy. Highly suggested to keep you from getting the Winter blues.

And I have fallen in love. With Ray LaMontagne. What a talent. He's soulful with a smokey varied voice. I cried a little listening to his AT&T Blue Room concert. Check his website out at http://www.raylamontagne.com/ To here even more of his songs go to his myspace page by clicking here. He'll be in Portland on the 14th at the Roseland. I don't know how the hell I'm going to find the money to go, but I'm going!

Books:
Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris rocks. The Keep by Jennifer Egan is a good pick. Dragonslippers by Rosalind Penfold is a graphic novel about an abusive relationship she survived. Powerful book! The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseni was a tender & beautiful story. So ya know, fight prime time and read a book.

Television:
So ya know if you don't want fight prime time here are my favorite shows. These are in fact the only shows I watch except for (god help me) Dancing with the Stars. I love Heros on Monday nights. And on must-see-TV Thursdays My Name is Earl & The office get guffaws from me every week. And you know that Deal or No Deal show is pretty riveting while I'm knitting.

Well my blog has changed it;s look. I wish it could be more fun & fancy but I'm poor & still figuring out html. Anyway peace to all on this election day!

Quote of the Day

I heard this today & wanted to pass it along.

"Serenity is liking myself no matter what." Indeed.

Right now if you go to the Portland Alano Club website (http://www.portlandalano.org/) you can purchase books from Powells Bookstore while 7.5% of the sales go to benefit PAC. PAC has served me & many of my fellow recovery pals over the years. This recovery club houses 12 step meetings of all kinds everyday. Without the Portland Alano Club I may not even be here. If you need books, please consider making your purchase here. Peace!

Apathy. 20/20. My Little Penguin

My gf & I were talking this morning about gay rights & the overwhelming apathy we see in the queer "community" in terms of fighting for equal rights. We talked about how queers these days seem to care more about being & acting just like nuclear heterosexuals than the right to be who you are. Not that being a middle class suburban heterosexual is a bad thing. I'm sure the folks living that way like it just fine. Although with the divorce rates, abuse & broken families among those folks, maybe they don't like it all that much. Either way the passion for equality, not to become like the mainstream, but to live a full, happy and free life no matter what your "lifestyle", seems to be gone. Act-up & other groups died along with AIDS being an acute epidemic among our gay brothers. And with the death came apathy. Now we pledge allegiance to our paychecks & those who issue them instead of working to end suffering and discrimination.

It's not just among queers though. It's our American society. We're in the midst of a mindless and cruelly pointless war. Yes there are some who march every week on Fridays at Pioneer Square. Yes when a call to rally comes many of of follow. But as a whole we say & do nothing while we let others get rich off writing books about how much the war and Bush suck. We let Michael Moore make speeches while he collects awards & we nod our heads while we eat TV dinners. And today I don't have an answer on how to change it. I just know our American addiction to the mighty concept of more has finally reached into the heart of the queer movement & day by day, smashed it to digestible little pieces.

Speaking of our crappy American way, Friday night my roomie & I watched a 20/20 special on Privilege. One of the topics was about privilage in the courtrooms. We all know how if your poor & black, you don't get a fair chance. This story really showed a clear example of this. Really powerful!


And finally, something light. I've adopted a little penguin named farty. Click on him a bunch of times & he'll do a trick for you.

adopt your own virtual pet!

Thanks Zee for yet another cool link!

Wow

Every time I think I have to show my ass to my sponsor, she always comes back putting a pair of pretty bloomers on it. Obviously this is not literal. You see last night I had quite a shock that led to a very deep realization: I have a lot of trouble managing my money. No matter how much money I make I always end up broke. And most frustrating is that I don't even have credit card debt. I know myself well enough that credit cards in my hands would be very dangerous. What there is plenty of are medical bills. And for some reason I just can't get ahead. That some reason is I can't manage my money. Year after year, month after month I struggle. And last night my brain finally got it. There is no way I can do this by myself anymore. And last night after tears & a little self pity, the god-shot I needed came. Someone offered to take me to a 12 step meeting for folks with financial issues.

So this morning when I told Liz about my money stuff & how unmanageable it is, she told me she's proud of me. That finances are hard for many and getting to a point of surrender is huge. She said I'm showing how dedicated I am to recovery by being willing to hit yet another bottom. Though my bank account is a mess, my spirit is strong. I'm so grateful for the many blessings this little life of mine has in it.

So in yesterdays post I wrote about my wonderful cat Bebes. But provided one link to show what he looks like. So now without further ado, my son, my love...Bebes.

Pets

I just finished reading Marley & Me by John Grogan. This was not the most well written book and unlike most of the folks who have discussed it with me, I did not cry. Emotional though for sure. Maybe no tears came because the yellow lab I once knew liked to eat his own shit that had been hardened by cold weather. But the emotional part is about how much of an animal person I am & the pets I've lost & someday will lose.

My cat Bebes is the love of my life. I love him more than anyone or anything. And last week I realized one day he would not be in my life. I mean hopefully many, many years from now he'll go to kitty heaven after having a full & happy life. But I mean I had to grasp the fact that he & I can't grow old together. He's over 6 now and as wonderful as ever. He's also an indoor/outdoor cat. He has to be free to come & go. Even though there are those times I get scared to the point of the full body shakes when he doesn't come home right away when I call him, I have to let him be a cat. He's my beloved baby who shows me unconditional love. My own mother once told me "be careful don't love your cat too much." But I cannot help it. Animal lovers understand this. Bebes comes when I call him, lays on my chest to nap with me, gives me kisses & is always there when I'm sad. He makes my world full & has even saved my life once or twice. Two days away from him now & I miss him dearly. I feel it deeply. Tonight I get to go home to my little guy & cuddle & chase him & hold him in my arms as he lays on his back & purrs.

Well enough of that. So thanks again to Zee I have a spiffy link for you. It's the NaBloPoMo Randomizer. This is a great thing because it's kinda hard to figure out which blogs to even start to explore with this NaBloPoMo event. Now you don't have to think. Just click your way to the goodness.

Zee. Congrats! I love you!

A Day Off I Say

Now that I'm doing this NaBloPoMo I wake up & immediately think "oh god, must blog!" Since today is my day off I'm able to write on this a bit earlier than usual. Anyway thus far I my tasks have been solely computer related. Sent some e-mails, organized info. You know what I mean. Anyway I came across a website that makes Official Seals. So here's my Thursday Seal as I feel Thursdays are lucky. Click on the seal to go to the Says It website to make your own wacky seals, church signs & other stuff.



Now for more weirdness here's a pic of me from last winter.
Hot huh?

Why on earth am I posting a pic of myself from last year? When you can answer this let me know! So my girlfriend is wanting me to watch some silly pirate movie today because she wants to "play pirate" in bed after watching this film. Not sure how I feel about a musical pirate movie as I'm not a fan of musical films with the exception of The King & I. And I don't know how this whole pirate thing got so cool, but I could give a rip about pirates. Ahh well. What my girl wants, she gets. Well on that note I'm off to spend some time with her & her cat Snuffy. By the way my latest Website of the Month (WOTM) is http://www.racialicious.com/ It's really great. Please give it a visit. I know all my well meaning liberal white friends would agree it's racially delicious! Peace y'all!

Halloween with Amy

Last night I saw Amy Sedaris live & in person. She was at Powells Books chatting up her new book "I Like You." The event was scheduled to start at 7:30pm. By 5:45pm the 300 capacity room was standing room only & by 6:15pm completely full. My pal Lindsey & my hot babe of a girlfriend Mary hung out with me as the crowd waited for Miss Amy.

She did not disappoint. Amy showed the group how to make an eye burrito. Maryanne a.k.a. Johhny Mozzarella was Amy's overly hammed up assistant who Amy lovingly referred to as "ching chong." After the burrito Amy answered questions from the audience for about a half an hour. My 2 girls & I took off after the Q&A, but I guess Amy stayed for 2 more hours signing books & receiving gifts from her delighted fans.

Now you may wonder if I asked a question of Amy Sedaris. Yep. You bet. I raised my hand & after waiting through 2 other questions from folks she finally looked over, pointed at me and said "yes the negro in the back." Believe it or not I didn't hear this. Which was funny considering my question was this: Are you a racist or just not PC?" Mary said it was the one question Amy actually seemed to think over. She hemmed & hawed for a moment & said she didn't think she was racist, more just not PC (politically correct). Then she said "I dunno, I'll have to get back to you on that one." And that folks was my Amy Sedaris moment. Now here are the pics. Enjoy!

Me ready to see Amy

Mary & I chillin'

And of course Miss Amy

The Cardinals Did It

Woo hoo! It's done. Ove. Finished. I'm watching the celebration with glee! The St. Louis Cardinals have won the 2006 World Series. In 5 games! Good times.

NaBloPoMo: Am I Nuts?

Well it's crazy to even attempt this but I'm a big copy cat when it comes to cool stuff on other folks blogs, so thanks to Zee's blog post on NoBloPoMo, I'm gonna do it too. "What the eff is NaBloPoMo?" you ask. Well it seems November is National Blog Posting Month. So it's a challenge to write a post a day on ones own blog. Check out Fussy.org's page on NaBloPoMo at http://www.fussy.org/nablopomo.html.

One thing that will make it easier to blog everyday is that my sweetheart will be on holiday for most of November. And I'll be house/cat sitting for her & am sure I'll have lots of whining to do about missing her. Plus there are many things I've been meaning to write about on this blog that I just seem to never get to. November always gets me in the mood to be more introspective so woo hoo... here we go!

In other news today I'm working on filling out my voting ballot. I must sadly admit there have been elections past where I just picked the dude/ett that sounded familiar or was a democrat and ya know, just voted. This time I'm educating myself on the issues & checking out all sides before just deciding. Other than voting I'm trying to get all my cold weather clothes that were just taken out of winter storage washed. I completely forgot I have off white cords. Had them for 2 years & cannot believe they're still not completely stained. Guess I can take care of my things. So screw you mom! Ummm.....just kidding!

With Halloween coming I've finally decided on my costume. Well mostly. I'll be some kind of witch/mistress of the night character. I thought about being Uhura from Startrek and something of what I call an equal oppertunity offender, an aborted fetus. Yes I know, I know but I thought it sounded pretty scary. Then I googled pics of them & nearly lost my dinner. So since I have this sleeky black dress and great MAC makeup along with my pal Andrea willing to let me borrow her wigs, I'm all set. Anyway that's enough from me. Peace!

Why I'm Voting No on 43

All my close friends know where I stand on abortion. Morally I'm against it. I don't feel that having irresponsible, unprotected sex makes abortion okay. There is no excuse for not taking precautions to keep from getting pregnant. I do believe life begins at conception. A life has been created and that is not to be taken lightly.

From a legal standpoint however, making abortion illegal has the horrific potential to force women into back ally abortions putting themselves at risk for infection, abuse & death. Taking two lives to pretend to save one makes no sense. And measure 43 passing would force teens who could not for whatever reasons tell their parents, to decide on alternative choices for abortion that may be unsafe.

The argument for passing 43 is that kids should not be alone when making the decision about staying pregnant or not and that by the parents being notified the daughters will get the help they need. And I agree that teens need resources/support when making such a huge decision. However the assumption here in this measure is that all teens have safe caring parents they can go to for something like this. Assumption/fantasy is not reality. There may quite easily be teen girls who are escaping the horrors of their home life, make poor decisions sexually and then find themselves pregnant. By being forced to tell unhealthy or possibly abusive parents their situations these girls could risk being further abused, kicked out of their homes or forced to have an abortion when they may have changed their minds at the last moment.

Conservatives seem to try & come up with laws that would make sense in "ideal" situations. But the truth is that with many kids their parents are the last people that should be notified in emergency situations. I would hate to see a young girl make decisions based on being between a rock and an ever harder place. I must concede that some teen women may rush into having abortions when they could have had loving parents help them. But one must also face the reality that passing a measure like this may drive a pregnant teen to runaway, have an unsafe abortion or worse, commit suicide. The pain of an aborting a baby I'm sure is for many lifelong and traumatic. I'd never do it & pray my loved ones don't. But for a young woman, the pain of possibly losing her life is just too much for us all.

Please view the facts and then decide!

YAHOO!

The Cardinals won the NL Championship! The tie between St. Louis & the Mets was finally broken in the top of the ninth inning when the Cardinals scored 2 runs, making the score 3 to 1 St. Louis. So The World Series will be the Detroit Tigers Vs. the St. Louis Cardinals. You can get a plethora of information here or stay tuned to this little bloggie for WS updates.

Go Digging for Razor Clams/Fran's Incomplete Oregon Voting Guide

That's right you can go to the Oregon beaches & dig for Razor clams again! See Shelia's post on KINK for more.

It's Thursday already & my brain has been in a fog this week. I got the flu & a sinus infection at the same time. Soooo not cool. The sinus thing still has me sounding like a drag queen with a cold, but quite frankly anything that makes me feel more like a drag queen makes me happy.

So here's my unofficial voting guide from 1 of 2 Voters Pamphlet State Measures

Measure 39: NO
Measure 40: NO
Measure 41: NO
Measure 42: ?
Measure 43: NO
Measure 44: Yes
Measure 45, 46, 47 & 48 I'm still researching along with 42.

Two sources that I'm checking out besides the voters pamphlets are the Oregon Votes website that is linked to the AFL-CIO Oregon website & also believe it or not the Libertarian Party of Oregon website. Of which my voting this round seems to be opposite of their positions but sometimes that's the way it goes.

Off to work & life. Peace out y'all!

She's the Tits

Warning: This post is not intended for readers who don't want to know about my sex life or are freaked out by lesbian sexuality or sexuality of any kind for that matter.

Yesterday my beloved & I had a breakthrough. Though some of the details need to remain unsaid (or written I suppose) I want to share this experience as well as I can because it's my life & such.

Yesterday I was stirred. So many new moments. After a new adventure in watching my sweetie perform a very special & favorite ritual of sorts we hit a wall soon after. That wall was within both of us I guess, but the focus here is my own wall. The inability to say in bed what I really want. How can I be laying there with this woman I claim to trust, yet can't tell her how much I wish she'd do certain things. My guess is this is very common in relationships. Anyway I just became hopeless, thinking perhaps I'll never be able to express my desires. While washing dishes later I began to speak to her about my fears around our sex. She in turn showed me great love & was honest about her fears. We moved on from the fear & became willing & open to our sexual journey.

Soon we went to see the movie "The Departed" which rocks btw. Then we went shopping. As in we went to a wonderful sex shop called "It's My Pleasure." We got some goodies of which I cannot wait to try out with her & we headed home for dinner & hot sex. The sex of course was not expected, as when it is I have trouble with that kind of pressure. But after munching on a Papa Murphy's veggie pizza it was time. My memory of our sex comes in (hot) flashes right now. The thing is I didn't feel scared to tell her what I wanted. I knew I was safe. So we had the best sex yet. She fucked me so thoroughly and lovingly I fell onto the floor after it was over unable to get up for at least 10 minutes. MY GOD she's good. I just wanna sing her praises. Anyway it's clear that sexuality is a journey. That's elementary. But expressing ones desire is scary as hell & if we find loving partners who can join us in the journey, I've learned, we can find the rapture we crave.
Peace!
~F

A Song. A Dance. A Little Bit of Romance

My girlfriend has this habit of caressing me in my sleep. I awake to a darkened slightly puffy yet mischievous in the middle of the night grin. I turn to see her eyes smiling then I turn to fall back asleep. But I feel her fingers gliding over the skin of my back, ribs & butt. Feeling lucky and sleepy all I can do is fall fall fall.

Last night we went to see the Scissor Sisters at the Roseland Theater on Burnside. Though I only heard a couple of their songs on the radio I was excited to see them in concert all the same. The group did not disappoint. The band lead Jake Shears was a hoot. You can tell he's a man who needs a lot of attention. He has more energy in his pinky that my girlfriend & I combined. There was a great DJ as well. Sammy Jo is his name. Lovely mixing. There was this little band of dudes in white tees & pants and they announced their name, but I couldn't hear it. Something like Simple Sins or whatever. I'd like to find them & see if their CD is any good. Anyway Mary & I wiggled in our seats, doing what I call seat dancing. The crowd had energy galore and a few drag queens waved their hands in the air like they just didn't care. So my camera phone couldn't get vert good pics but the first one is a pic of the hot drummer in that band whose name I don't know. The other is a pic of the "Sisters" after the show ended & the scissors that helped light up the stage. Peace!

I'm in love
I'm in love
I'm in love!

Life, Love & Amy

Today has been a good work day. Had my annual review which went well as usual. I set some goals & realized I had completed some goal set from last year. Yay! I like being a good worker. Even pride myself on it I guess. Anyway this morning when I checked to see how much moolah was in my account, I was shocked to hear what work had deposited into my account. I wondered if I had recieved a bonus or a raise or something. My body & mind felt lighter contemplating that I was much closer to having enough to buy my plane ticket back home. I also thought of the wonderful things I could buy myself, my cat and my girlfriend (yes in that order). Then two hours later the company email found my inbox. Were sorry to tell you we made a mistake with your check. Easy come easy go. My next check will be smaller & I'm still broke. But alas I still have my looks! Ha!

Yesterday my girl & I had a most lovely day. It's days like that, that make one understand how grand it is to be in love. So many favorite moments. One moment was my girl reading to me, her head upon my stomach, us laying in the grass at Laurelhurst Park. Another was my performance for her of my lascivious consumption of a Dairy Queen medium sized chocolate dipped cone. Another was watching her let go of a fear while holding onto me. It was a Thursday I'll never forget. How lucky I am indeed!

So as perviously mentioned Amy Sedaris will be not only in town but at Powells Books on Halloween. I'm thinking it's going to be a biggin'. As most of my cohorts in this life seem to love her almost as much as moi. I know this. I will meet Amy and the question is this: Do I wear a halloween costume when I meet her, or look "normal" so that when she goes home to think of me she'll see me looking hot instead of silly. Although I could look silly & hot and quite frankly she'd probably love that! Fate is so cruel! Hot. Silly. Hot & silly. This choices are staggering. Anyway since I'm now not single I'm not going to try to seduce Amy with my scintillating charm and ebullient personality. Instead I'll merely try to get a picture with her, an autograph maybe & hopefully a tiny little petite very small just sooooo.......ass grab. That's allowed isn't it? I mean I not dead & it's friggin' Amy Sedaris. I'd let me girlfriend grab her favorite performer's butt. Anyway I'm off to the land of milk & honey. Or a 12 step meeting. Whatever.

Peace!
~F

Oh My God!!!!!!!

I don't if it's the Pepsi I'm drinking or the fact that Amy Sedaris will be at Powells on Halloween that has got mah heart a flutter & my eyes welling. I fawking love her! And Halloween is my favorite holiday ever besides my b-day & gay pride. More soon!

BBW

That's right it's Banned Books Week. I could go on & on about how shocked I am that some schools, libraries & book stores won't allow the public to read certain books. But quite frankly with the way things are going with you-know-who in office and such I'm not shocked about much that has to do with censorship. Anyway The AMERICAN BOOKSELLERS FOUNDATION FOR FREE EXPRESSION (http://www.abffe.org/) has a list of banned and challenged books I encourage folks to check out. It's no surprise many of the books on this list are queer themed. Anyway...

Found out this morning my queer cousin is getting married & this means that I'll be the only one of 14 cousins who has not married. Last night in my dream I was pregnant with a dead baby. No wonder I felt hopeless about romance/family this morning. It feels like I'm some wandering hedonist in comparison to my family. And worse my fears about what my family thinks only makes me feel more weird when the truth is I'm happy. Family. Oh how they drive us batty. But I love them. So there you have it!

A Serious Connection

Reading my Free Will Astrology horoscope this morning provided me with a refresher on how to connect more strongly to grace. To act as if I have this angel with me at all times guiding & showing me the way to loving. And I don't know why it is I forget to remember the Guidance. That's why prayer is such an interesting experience. How connected am I to Spirit. How much am I believing it is here with me right now. Prayers can be so empty when not in the midst of hope & faith.

If I believed, always I'd know that the powers that be are in & all around this body, this mind. There would be increased freedom to love myself others as one of the beautiful gifts Spirit has on Earth. But alas ego does its thing. And I'm grateful of the many reminders that recovery, astrology, friends & nature show everyday.

Here's a poem by Hafiz translated by Daniel Ladinsky I read the other day that summed up where I'm at this week.

Venus Just Asked Me

Perhaps
For just one minute out of the day,

It may be of value to torture yourself
With thoughts like,

"I should be doing
A hell of a lot more with my life than I am -
Cause I'm so damn talented."

But remember,
For just one minute out of the day.

With all the rest of your time,
It would be best
To try
Looking upon your self more as God does.

For He knows
Your true royal nature.

God is never confused
And can see only Himself in you.

My dear,
Venus just leaned down and asked me
To tell you a secret, to confess

She's just a mirror who has been stealing
Your light and music for centuries.

She knows as does Hafiz,
You are the sole heir to
The King



My beloved, thank you for that which made me speechless.

Things that Make You Go...WTF?

Today's article on dog water by Mark Morford at the SF Gate was a riot. God bless that man! It got me thinking on that which I'm often thinking on anyway. Our decay. Think about this: You (not you, you of course, but someone like you, only they have money) easily spend $50,000 on a car, $10,000 on a watch, $5,000 on a pair of shoes and so on to impress other people. You want to look good and have folks around you think "damn I wish I was like that person with their beautiful stuff!" Or you want them to simply like you, think well of you because you have style, money and so fourth. Then you go to your local retail store. Let's say you go to Powells for instance. There you buy a new $65 dollar book about landscaping with rubies or something and when you interact with the staff you act like a complete dickhead.

Why are so many folks spending time trying to invite others into their lives, by impressing them with things? Why not be kind to all and really rock the house. It's totally schizophrenic to get love by trying to look one way and act another. And yet we all fuckin' do it. It's our moral decay that seeps into daily living making us act like zombies rather than humans. So what does that say about humanity. What does that say about the fact I'm writing this without giving more examples. It says I'm too tired trying to make money and look good to put proper thought & care into what I really want to say. Kinda figures.

Anyway I'm off to hang out with a cat named Snuffy. Here's a pic of her with her mama.She's (the cat) is very sweet.

Oh & Lily got attacked by some doggie in wicked heat on Monday. She's okay but keeps licking the hole this bitch dog put into her chest. It's really gross.

So now I have Lily & Snuffy in my life. Two girls who though they may be pets, still fill my life with joy. Hmmm. Maybe I'll get them both some liver scented water.

Sea of Love

Come with me, my love
To the sea, the sea of love
I want to tell you how much I love you
-Honeydrippers

Last night I fought for my life. In my dream that is. In dreamland I was walking down a city street, similar to it looking like a sidewalk right off the Willamette river only instead of the river, it was shoreline. As I was walking I somehow wound up being chased by a huge spider (spiders are common in my dreams & usually mean growth & change) and knew in the dream it meant I was avoiding that "thing" I'm supposed to do in my life. So I leaped into the sea behind me, giving myself over it it, knowing the water was my destiny. A huge soft white wave encased me gently and inside it I felt as relaxed and free as could be. The wave turned me loose into its waters. I could see that I wasn't far from shore and suddenly realized it was possible the water could carry me far from shore. Looking over the water I saw that I was indeed far from the shore. Somehow my thought had made it so. I knew if I was this far out there, there was a possibility I'd have to struggle to get back. On cue my body struggled to swim to the shore. My muscles tried so hard to work, arms pointlessly attempting to push back the waters around me. And the harrowing result was that I was not getting closer. I was stuck and knew my thoughts, my fears had made it so.

Today marked my 6th year working at You Know Where and I feel grateful and disconnected at the same time. A part of me is asking and has been asking "what are you doing?" Even my big boss who is great & runs the place was asking me today what the deal is. She was like a mama bird trying to push me out of this nest. And she's right & I'm scared as hell. Yes this place has been good to me in many ways. And I feel like I've grown up here. The woman I'm becoming knows I can't stay. The woman I am... she's swimming and thinking and not letting go. This is frustrating as hell and an incredibly sumptuous gift.

There is more to this sea folks. And even as I sit here I cannot come up with the words. A writer who can't write about this feeling, this place my life has ebbed towards. It's not just her, or us even. To be in a loving relationship is the deepest part of myself. And it's my work. The work. The work that is meant to help others. Life shows me that this thing she & have is bigger than my heart. It's all colliding and I'm praying.

The fear, seat of my addiction & reason I used to self destruct.
Fear you can't have me anymore! I'm not going to live in your arms anymore! I'm not going to fear love anymore!

Last night we were like hearty plants showing one another the blooms of our own growth. And the song played in my head. The one that says it all.
And indeed I am Fumbling Towards Ecstacy.

A Little Secret about Moi

I like JT. If you don't know who that is then it doesn't matter. If you do know then just shut up about it. Geez!

Mah Girls & Clean the Beaches Bitches

My beautiful canine niece Rennie & her mama!


And this Saturday is the annual Solv Oregon Fall Beach Cleanup. It's good fun & you get to improve your karma. for moe info go to www.solv.org

Also did y'all hear Whitney has finally dumped Bobby Brown. Ahh celebrity gossip!
Peace!

News of the Fran

Well well people. I sit here at work, not working but diddling the keyboard connected to this computer and making myself increasingly tired as a result. Yes y'all it's PMS time! Fucking bloody hell I'm tired but I had to change my myspace layout & of course give a proper update of my life these days.

Last night I hung out with my brand new girlfriend named Mary. Behind her back I say her name like this: MAH-RAAAAY. We've been dating for not that long so the gf thing happened kindo fast. I know I know, but listen this is not some jump in & get married tomorrow bullshit. My sponsor Liz this morning was like "are you two living together yet ha ha ha?" To which I replied "no Liz, I like my life & where I'm living right now." And she then said as she often does "Good girl, I'm glad to hear that." So therefore my sponsor already likes Mary & they have NOT even met. Anyway it's been amazing with her because we are so equal, not the same, but equal. She's totally amazing & even has a fault or two but I don't feel any weird "oh I wish I was better" or "oh I can fix her" thoughts. Instead it's this mutual thing & it's really deep. Have I mentioned she's totally hot & Irish. Yep hot & Irish. My god I'm a lucky woman. Last night we were bonding & talking & hugging & finally I whispered those three little words into her ear. "Don't hurt me" I said feeling my heart swell beneath my chest. And I won't tell you what she said in response because that is private, but it was beautiful.

My housemate & I went camping this weekend. First we went to the Gorge & oddly enough it was windy. Tee hee. WE had to leave because the wind was disrupting our ability to enjoy ourselves ie. blue fingertips. So we went to Trillium Lake on Mt. Hood. It was beautiful there & the mountain was so lovely. Everytime I'm on it I just remember how many years of flatland I endured as a wee one. Am so glad to live in Oregon sometimes. Anyway pics of the trip are on the way as my film needs to be developed. Toward the end of our trip my leg & ankle starting hurting quite badly. So I couldn't see the lake in the morning on Sunday as I had wished, but the buffet breakfast at Timberline lodge made up for it. Anyway it was too short of a trip & Lily was shaking cold for most of it but we had fun. My housemate is such a rockin' lady!

Started my book this week. Don't know the rate in which it will get done. I know my editing process tends to take the longest. I'm praying to co-write this sucker with G-O-D. Cuz I can't do it by my own self.

Got a new al-anon sponsor who's got me in the steps already. Liz said since I'm doing the al-anon steps which covers my relationship addiction stuff, that I no longer need to do a 4th step around relationships in the other program. Her sponsor said so, so Liz said so, so there you go.

Other than all that I'm broke, happy, tired & full & life. All is as it should be & for that I am grateful!
~F

Another 9/11 Story

The pain has never really left. Not just the pain of witnessing someones revolution televised, but the pain that continues to poison our country, the idea of our freedom, our country, our way, as a guide for everyone in the world.

Man so much is tied to that day. So many symbols & statements missed. My own fate being effected by the a-holes thinking I'm Muslim & hating me. Then a-holes in office that don't get it.

Then waking to my alarm clock saying something about no cellular use in NY. Turning on the TV to see the 2nd plane land live into the other tower. Confusion and numbness and fascination. "God what the heck is going on?" Getting to work only to be unable to mentally or physically function beyond watching the several televisions set up in employee areas. Crying, wondering, fearing, calling my friends in NY and wishing it was not all not in vain. Watching the towers collapse, then more collapsing then going home to my cat, wishing my then boyfriend was in town.
Two days later crying in his arms a cry so painful that all my childhood atrocities were in some ways forever dulled.

So much could be said. But those who know me well know that the deeper I feel, the less I say. All I know is that today the shadow of the worlds pain from that day still resides somewhere in my heart.

Campin'

The Gorge!
Mt. Hood from Timberline Lodge

More stories later but heres a work e-mail from a co-worker. Permission to reprint was granted.

After reading a book about modern new age books of found or "received" biblical texts it comes to my attention that the Essene Gospel of Peace, as well as other works by SZEKELY, EDMOND are frauds. So they are being removed out of Chri-Dead Sea & Apocrapha/non-cannon to their new home in Meta-eso christ. So if people are looking for a text in which Jesus teaches how to make and use an enema, send them there.

This is What Joy Looks like

Full moon at 11am. Including a lunar eclispe I missed. Ahh well. Tonight I see my sweetheart, make dinner & chill. Tomorrow my roomie & I go a campin'. All is well in the city of roses. All is well in the city of my heart.

Man do I have a Tight Ass!

No seriously. My buttocks are crazy! My deep tissue massage consisted of the usual but also my gluts. And now my ass cheecks hurt. Ahh well! At least I got the green light to take walks. That means this weekend I can walk around & enjoy the nature around me. Yay ya yay!

Don't know why but this who thing with the death of Steve Irwin makes me sad. Seems like he embodied that idea of immortality as a reward/consequence for raking the risks others could never even dream of. Oh shit y'all, some day you will die. And I will too. FuckenA.

Despite being under the weather this week/end I'm happy to report all is well & life has taken on an even more vibrant hue. More details later, but for now, I must go feed my belly.
Peace!
~F