Things that Make You Go...WTF?

Today's article on dog water by Mark Morford at the SF Gate was a riot. God bless that man! It got me thinking on that which I'm often thinking on anyway. Our decay. Think about this: You (not you, you of course, but someone like you, only they have money) easily spend $50,000 on a car, $10,000 on a watch, $5,000 on a pair of shoes and so on to impress other people. You want to look good and have folks around you think "damn I wish I was like that person with their beautiful stuff!" Or you want them to simply like you, think well of you because you have style, money and so fourth. Then you go to your local retail store. Let's say you go to Powells for instance. There you buy a new $65 dollar book about landscaping with rubies or something and when you interact with the staff you act like a complete dickhead.

Why are so many folks spending time trying to invite others into their lives, by impressing them with things? Why not be kind to all and really rock the house. It's totally schizophrenic to get love by trying to look one way and act another. And yet we all fuckin' do it. It's our moral decay that seeps into daily living making us act like zombies rather than humans. So what does that say about humanity. What does that say about the fact I'm writing this without giving more examples. It says I'm too tired trying to make money and look good to put proper thought & care into what I really want to say. Kinda figures.

Anyway I'm off to hang out with a cat named Snuffy. Here's a pic of her with her mama.She's (the cat) is very sweet.

Oh & Lily got attacked by some doggie in wicked heat on Monday. She's okay but keeps licking the hole this bitch dog put into her chest. It's really gross.

So now I have Lily & Snuffy in my life. Two girls who though they may be pets, still fill my life with joy. Hmmm. Maybe I'll get them both some liver scented water.

Sea of Love

Come with me, my love
To the sea, the sea of love
I want to tell you how much I love you
-Honeydrippers

Last night I fought for my life. In my dream that is. In dreamland I was walking down a city street, similar to it looking like a sidewalk right off the Willamette river only instead of the river, it was shoreline. As I was walking I somehow wound up being chased by a huge spider (spiders are common in my dreams & usually mean growth & change) and knew in the dream it meant I was avoiding that "thing" I'm supposed to do in my life. So I leaped into the sea behind me, giving myself over it it, knowing the water was my destiny. A huge soft white wave encased me gently and inside it I felt as relaxed and free as could be. The wave turned me loose into its waters. I could see that I wasn't far from shore and suddenly realized it was possible the water could carry me far from shore. Looking over the water I saw that I was indeed far from the shore. Somehow my thought had made it so. I knew if I was this far out there, there was a possibility I'd have to struggle to get back. On cue my body struggled to swim to the shore. My muscles tried so hard to work, arms pointlessly attempting to push back the waters around me. And the harrowing result was that I was not getting closer. I was stuck and knew my thoughts, my fears had made it so.

Today marked my 6th year working at You Know Where and I feel grateful and disconnected at the same time. A part of me is asking and has been asking "what are you doing?" Even my big boss who is great & runs the place was asking me today what the deal is. She was like a mama bird trying to push me out of this nest. And she's right & I'm scared as hell. Yes this place has been good to me in many ways. And I feel like I've grown up here. The woman I'm becoming knows I can't stay. The woman I am... she's swimming and thinking and not letting go. This is frustrating as hell and an incredibly sumptuous gift.

There is more to this sea folks. And even as I sit here I cannot come up with the words. A writer who can't write about this feeling, this place my life has ebbed towards. It's not just her, or us even. To be in a loving relationship is the deepest part of myself. And it's my work. The work. The work that is meant to help others. Life shows me that this thing she & have is bigger than my heart. It's all colliding and I'm praying.

The fear, seat of my addiction & reason I used to self destruct.
Fear you can't have me anymore! I'm not going to live in your arms anymore! I'm not going to fear love anymore!

Last night we were like hearty plants showing one another the blooms of our own growth. And the song played in my head. The one that says it all.
And indeed I am Fumbling Towards Ecstacy.

A Little Secret about Moi

I like JT. If you don't know who that is then it doesn't matter. If you do know then just shut up about it. Geez!

Mah Girls & Clean the Beaches Bitches

My beautiful canine niece Rennie & her mama!


And this Saturday is the annual Solv Oregon Fall Beach Cleanup. It's good fun & you get to improve your karma. for moe info go to www.solv.org

Also did y'all hear Whitney has finally dumped Bobby Brown. Ahh celebrity gossip!
Peace!

News of the Fran

Well well people. I sit here at work, not working but diddling the keyboard connected to this computer and making myself increasingly tired as a result. Yes y'all it's PMS time! Fucking bloody hell I'm tired but I had to change my myspace layout & of course give a proper update of my life these days.

Last night I hung out with my brand new girlfriend named Mary. Behind her back I say her name like this: MAH-RAAAAY. We've been dating for not that long so the gf thing happened kindo fast. I know I know, but listen this is not some jump in & get married tomorrow bullshit. My sponsor Liz this morning was like "are you two living together yet ha ha ha?" To which I replied "no Liz, I like my life & where I'm living right now." And she then said as she often does "Good girl, I'm glad to hear that." So therefore my sponsor already likes Mary & they have NOT even met. Anyway it's been amazing with her because we are so equal, not the same, but equal. She's totally amazing & even has a fault or two but I don't feel any weird "oh I wish I was better" or "oh I can fix her" thoughts. Instead it's this mutual thing & it's really deep. Have I mentioned she's totally hot & Irish. Yep hot & Irish. My god I'm a lucky woman. Last night we were bonding & talking & hugging & finally I whispered those three little words into her ear. "Don't hurt me" I said feeling my heart swell beneath my chest. And I won't tell you what she said in response because that is private, but it was beautiful.

My housemate & I went camping this weekend. First we went to the Gorge & oddly enough it was windy. Tee hee. WE had to leave because the wind was disrupting our ability to enjoy ourselves ie. blue fingertips. So we went to Trillium Lake on Mt. Hood. It was beautiful there & the mountain was so lovely. Everytime I'm on it I just remember how many years of flatland I endured as a wee one. Am so glad to live in Oregon sometimes. Anyway pics of the trip are on the way as my film needs to be developed. Toward the end of our trip my leg & ankle starting hurting quite badly. So I couldn't see the lake in the morning on Sunday as I had wished, but the buffet breakfast at Timberline lodge made up for it. Anyway it was too short of a trip & Lily was shaking cold for most of it but we had fun. My housemate is such a rockin' lady!

Started my book this week. Don't know the rate in which it will get done. I know my editing process tends to take the longest. I'm praying to co-write this sucker with G-O-D. Cuz I can't do it by my own self.

Got a new al-anon sponsor who's got me in the steps already. Liz said since I'm doing the al-anon steps which covers my relationship addiction stuff, that I no longer need to do a 4th step around relationships in the other program. Her sponsor said so, so Liz said so, so there you go.

Other than all that I'm broke, happy, tired & full & life. All is as it should be & for that I am grateful!
~F

Another 9/11 Story

The pain has never really left. Not just the pain of witnessing someones revolution televised, but the pain that continues to poison our country, the idea of our freedom, our country, our way, as a guide for everyone in the world.

Man so much is tied to that day. So many symbols & statements missed. My own fate being effected by the a-holes thinking I'm Muslim & hating me. Then a-holes in office that don't get it.

Then waking to my alarm clock saying something about no cellular use in NY. Turning on the TV to see the 2nd plane land live into the other tower. Confusion and numbness and fascination. "God what the heck is going on?" Getting to work only to be unable to mentally or physically function beyond watching the several televisions set up in employee areas. Crying, wondering, fearing, calling my friends in NY and wishing it was not all not in vain. Watching the towers collapse, then more collapsing then going home to my cat, wishing my then boyfriend was in town.
Two days later crying in his arms a cry so painful that all my childhood atrocities were in some ways forever dulled.

So much could be said. But those who know me well know that the deeper I feel, the less I say. All I know is that today the shadow of the worlds pain from that day still resides somewhere in my heart.

Campin'

The Gorge!
Mt. Hood from Timberline Lodge

More stories later but heres a work e-mail from a co-worker. Permission to reprint was granted.

After reading a book about modern new age books of found or "received" biblical texts it comes to my attention that the Essene Gospel of Peace, as well as other works by SZEKELY, EDMOND are frauds. So they are being removed out of Chri-Dead Sea & Apocrapha/non-cannon to their new home in Meta-eso christ. So if people are looking for a text in which Jesus teaches how to make and use an enema, send them there.

This is What Joy Looks like

Full moon at 11am. Including a lunar eclispe I missed. Ahh well. Tonight I see my sweetheart, make dinner & chill. Tomorrow my roomie & I go a campin'. All is well in the city of roses. All is well in the city of my heart.

Man do I have a Tight Ass!

No seriously. My buttocks are crazy! My deep tissue massage consisted of the usual but also my gluts. And now my ass cheecks hurt. Ahh well! At least I got the green light to take walks. That means this weekend I can walk around & enjoy the nature around me. Yay ya yay!

Don't know why but this who thing with the death of Steve Irwin makes me sad. Seems like he embodied that idea of immortality as a reward/consequence for raking the risks others could never even dream of. Oh shit y'all, some day you will die. And I will too. FuckenA.

Despite being under the weather this week/end I'm happy to report all is well & life has taken on an even more vibrant hue. More details later, but for now, I must go feed my belly.
Peace!
~F

Cheese Popcorn

Smartfood. I frawking love that white cheddar, air popped corn. It tastes so crazy good! But it smells like feet. Not mah feet per se, but feet all the same. Infact the animals were hanging out in my room & I thought one of them had stepped in some ka ka boo. Nope just the popped chesse corn. Anyway...

I think I'm getting a new al-anon sponsor. We meet tomorrow in the afternoon to see if we match & stuff. I'm really ready to do the 12 steps in al-anon. Yippee!

And this Saturday I get to go on a picnic with my friend Mary. It's going to be a nice day & I'm thinking I'll feed us chesse. I mean cheese & something. Just can't figure out the something.

Next weekend I'm going camping with my roomie & her friends & their son. Gawd I need to get the hell out of town! Well that's the update. Tired but very happy!
~F

Pretty

Man I love my camera phone!

Pluto?!?!

Everything eludes me!

Left Side

As you may be noticing my blog is going though some changes. Please feel free to let me know what you like & what you'd like to me to add. Now onto the post....

It's strange how much pain we can hold in our bodies. As it's been 3 weeks since I started therapy with my chiropractic orthopedist, my leg is feeling the pain that's been stored in my body since I was a wee one. Interesting metaphor doncha think? Tuesday I had deep tissue massage & there was nothing relaxing about it! And my friends agreed that though it's pain-filled, in the end it helps. Anyway I'm hungry & can't think so it's a short post today. Oh except for this:

Measure 48 here in Oregon is up for vote November 7th. This measure effects low income home buyers because the measure will restrict Oregon's ability to issue bonds. The Oregon Bond Loan Program allows homeowners with less income/new home buyers to get lower interest subsudized home loans. For more on this cut 'n' paste http://www.mailtribune.com/archive/2006/0818/local/stories/bond_main.htm
Already the program has been cut to see how the election will turn out, which is rather rude I think. As a fiscal conservative I'm againt this measure because it costs taxpayers nothing. No-thing! And as long as I don't have to pay & it helps folks, that why the bleep not have this wonderful program that can reduce costs for future homeowners by $10,000-$20,000. So people in November vote no to measure 48! For more go to http://www.oregonbond.us
Peace out!
~F

Flowers

Redolence is no longer. Please go to http://www.qwoc.blogspot.com
QWOC: Queer Woman of Color



These I took this week with my camera phone. Flowers make me happy. All is good. The the powers that be are bringing more grace & love into my life each day. Happy Sunday y'all. Man I'm hungry for a burrito!

Virginia is for Lovers?????

Holy crap have y'all heard about Senator Dumbass racist in Virginia? Okay his real name is George Allen the current senator in Virginia. Cut & paste this & read it! http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/08/14/AR2006081400589.html
Now watch, from the title link, on YouTube his kindly words to the Macaca (monkey??!!) in the crowd. Here's the tidbit I got thanks to my bf in MN.

On Friday Republican Senator George Allen sunk to a new low. At a campaign stop the
Virginia senator singled out the only non-white member of the audience--S.R.
Sidarth, a young Indian-American volunteering for his opponent--and called him "macaque" (a racial slur meaning 'monkey'). He went on to say, "welcome to America."
As it happens, Mr. Sidarth was born and raised in Virginia.

Can you join me in asking the Republican National Committee to take a stand against
these tactics and withdraw support for Sen. Allen? (You can also watch video of the
incident through the link below).
http://political.moveon.org/withdrawallen/

What a feeking idiot (God forgive my judgement!)!!!!!! Here is the e-note I sent to him at his website under the topic choice of... Indian Affairs ( I kid you not, that is one of his choices):
Shame on you sir. To assume, based on a percieved race that someone is NOT an American, is not only an act of horrible ignorance, but worse an attack on the very America we live in. I feel sad for you. With every fiber of my being I pray you find a greater happiness than the sad state of affairs your mind has been in. Thank you.

Feel free to give him your thoughts at: http://allen.senate.gov/public/index.cfm?FuseAction=AboutGeorgeAllen.SendAnEmail

The saddest part is that is attitude reflects the way a lot of Euro-Americans think. If your not clearly white of Black your not an American. WTF people?!?! I hope all this bring more awareness to the white privilage based ignorance so many have here in US-land. Anyway a nicer more personal post is next.

Strong Femme

I took this Butch vs. Femme quiz today because apparently I don't have better things to do. Here are my results. Oh & btw since this whole liquid thing has become a big deal in the airports I heard there is a parody of "Snakes on a Plane" with "Liquids on a plane" photoshop image already. I couldn't find it on google, so please let me know if you do!

STRONG FEMME
Your score placed you in the category of Strong Femme. This is often called a "femme butch" type. You may also wish to review Practical Femme and Soft Androgyne, the two categories surrounding you. In a ranking across the femme/butch gamut, if 1 is femme and 100 is butch, you fall between 33 and 40 on the scale. For a review of where you fall in the overall population in numbers, refer to this chart. Your type is the majority of the femme and the female population and includes a fair number of males.


You identify as female rather than femme, or as a male with an open mind to female issues. Your raising and socialization, however, has implanted enough of traditional femme roles and obligations, though, that you don't quite make it to the bridge category of Androgyne which lies between femme and butch.

You are practical in child raising but have no qualms about calling a baby sitter when you've had enough for the day. You are a good co-provider in a balanced partnership but resent carrying the full financial weight. You expect your partner to help you with your home and while you prefer order to chaos, won't do their share for them.

You are independent and proudly female, and don't really mind living alone, though you'd prefer not to. You sleep with a small light on, and usually in the nude. You insist on good communication in your relationships.

You are most comfortable with Androgynes and Gentle or Feminist Butches as partners, rarely dating other femmes, though admittedly physically you find them attractive. The butch "mystique" or the balance in an Androgyne attracts you more. You get along well with most types, though Extreme Femmes you find a bit overdone and aren't entirely comfortable with Extreme Butches.

My Brief E-Mail to PBS

Melanie Martinez. If you don't know what the hub bub is about please click on the link to this post title to understand why I wrote the following.


PBS to me has always repesented a mindset that was different & even above mainstream TV. But with the firing of Melanie Martinez over what can only be deemed, as an overblown reaction to her 7 year old sexy satire, I'm beginning to fear PBS is or soon will be, no longer a place for openminded intelligence. Please rethink this decision to represent the corporate mind. Please remember it is the public you are serving, not just the morals of the willingly uninformed. Thank you.

Write letters y'all. Send loving freedom out of your heart & into the corporate mind. Don't tell me it won't work because it does!
Peace!
~Madam Fofo

Gas & Chocolate Condoms

I'm having the worst smelling ass gas! I know it's not polite to air my dirty undies, but my god. My stomach has felt kinda queasy since late this morning. I think it's because I had broccoli at 2 different meals yesterday. Anyway now that I've passed some of this gas my tummy feels better. Sexy! The chiropractor adjusted some stuff today including some range of motion stuff in my hips. Now all I need is that special someone to help me use all the this range of motion! Tee hee! Anyway speaking of that I went to the STD clinic today & got the works tested. Am happy to know that I am in the low risk catagory, which once upon a time when I was a lush, was not the case so much. I have not been a slut lately. How cool! Though let me make it clear, sluttly is good, as long as it's safe. So I took some condoms & dental dams & I have no idea why I needed to have a chocolate flavored condom but heck, I know someone out there can use it! Well thats my weird pot for the day. Hope you enjoyed it!
~F

Teddy Madness

Though this story has been in circulation for a bit I have to pass it on. See the link to the title here to my pal Lindseys blog for more details. My pal Marissa called be & left the news of the dog who ate the precious cargo it was meant to protect. Even Elvis the bear got it in the end (ha ha).

Anyway today my leg is still better but hurts a tad after shopping with a friend this afternoon. Ahh well. Soon it shall heal. Yay!

And an interesting update as far as mi familia goes. My ma & I quasi debated about 2 weeks ago about my uncle Don not liking me. I told her I felt he didn't like me because he's uncomfortable with the gay thing. She got mad at me & even hung up on me trying to "defend" him. So she did what all moms addicted to drama do, she told him that I said I didn't think he likes me. Well he went quite & his wife said he was shy. Which was my ma's initial defense. But I noted he's NOT shy with other members of our family or his church pals(btw he belongs to this kinda fundamentalist christian church that tells them not to associate with anyone who is not in their religion)(whack). So in the early part of last week my ma calls to tell me I was right (which I usually am-for serious!) & that he sent her a letter telling her he wished I'd change. So finally after all these years with him ignoring me I at least now know what his deal is & can rest in that knowledge. So my uncle's a biggot. I still love him. What else can I do? Being angry won't help. Just for today like all other days, I'll just remain true to myself. Peace out!
~F

Some Fawkin' Answers!

Wow! My mind has a bit more peace than it did this morning. Saw a chiropractic orthopedist today who manhandled me in the most platonic way. And though my body feels all tired & weird I so glad I saw him. There are all kinds of things wrong with my body. And the answers to many of the aches & pains that have been in various areas of my body. Who knew the hips & stomach muscles connected to the TMJ & my big toe. Not one doctor has been able to tell me why or really help. Can it be I have found one who not only can help with the pain but...gasp.........oh...my...wear high heels!!!!!! I swear I'd believe in Jesus, Allah, Moses & who he fuck else to get to wear heels without suffering.

Tuesday I got fitted for this big long plastic brace. Yesterday another doc said that brace won't be enough. And today I was told that the brace won't help at all in the long run. Today this doc shook his head & couldn't understand why no one could figure out what is wrong. Bloody hell. Now here's a question: if my ankle & leg get better, will I finally go? Go where? Well that's my biz. But perhaps I need to think a lot more about doing what I'm meant to do in this life. We'll see!
Peace!