Monday, September 18, 2006

Sea of Love

Come with me, my love
To the sea, the sea of love
I want to tell you how much I love you

Last night I fought for my life. In my dream that is. In dreamland I was walking down a city street, similar to it looking like a sidewalk right off the Willamette river only instead of the river, it was shoreline. As I was walking I somehow wound up being chased by a huge spider (spiders are common in my dreams & usually mean growth & change) and knew in the dream it meant I was avoiding that "thing" I'm supposed to do in my life. So I leaped into the sea behind me, giving myself over it it, knowing the water was my destiny. A huge soft white wave encased me gently and inside it I felt as relaxed and free as could be. The wave turned me loose into its waters. I could see that I wasn't far from shore and suddenly realized it was possible the water could carry me far from shore. Looking over the water I saw that I was indeed far from the shore. Somehow my thought had made it so. I knew if I was this far out there, there was a possibility I'd have to struggle to get back. On cue my body struggled to swim to the shore. My muscles tried so hard to work, arms pointlessly attempting to push back the waters around me. And the harrowing result was that I was not getting closer. I was stuck and knew my thoughts, my fears had made it so.

Today marked my 6th year working at You Know Where and I feel grateful and disconnected at the same time. A part of me is asking and has been asking "what are you doing?" Even my big boss who is great & runs the place was asking me today what the deal is. She was like a mama bird trying to push me out of this nest. And she's right & I'm scared as hell. Yes this place has been good to me in many ways. And I feel like I've grown up here. The woman I'm becoming knows I can't stay. The woman I am... she's swimming and thinking and not letting go. This is frustrating as hell and an incredibly sumptuous gift.

There is more to this sea folks. And even as I sit here I cannot come up with the words. A writer who can't write about this feeling, this place my life has ebbed towards. It's not just her, or us even. To be in a loving relationship is the deepest part of myself. And it's my work. The work. The work that is meant to help others. Life shows me that this thing she & have is bigger than my heart. It's all colliding and I'm praying.

The fear, seat of my addiction & reason I used to self destruct.
Fear you can't have me anymore! I'm not going to live in your arms anymore! I'm not going to fear love anymore!

Last night we were like hearty plants showing one another the blooms of our own growth. And the song played in my head. The one that says it all.
And indeed I am Fumbling Towards Ecstacy.

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