Sunday, April 29, 2007

That's It. I'm Movin' to Canada

Well not quite yet but after reading an article in the New Republic about a truly vile man named Andrew Roberts visiting the "White" house I'm convinced it's time to look into immigrating. If you wish to read the article I suggest you Google New-Republic-Andrew-Roberts and then click. If I gave you the link you'd have to subscribe. Anywho I found the article via this great post by Too Sense. Good lawd I just don't know how much more I can take. Why are people like Roberts invited for a cozy visit to the WH when there is so much real work the prez should be doing. *Sigh* This shows even more just how aligned the current administration wants to be with imperialism. It's just all so gross. Pardon me while I have a pessimistic rant. I just feel like one day some asshole like bushwhack is going to get in the office of "da people" and round up all us brown folks & do bad things. I know I know. I promise it's only temporary paranoia. I just really question this country sometimes because of our brutal history. I mean manifest destiny was taught to be a good thing to so many youngsters & you can ask any Native person if it was good. The answer will be NO.

Okay I'm done being negative. Do I believe things can get better? Hell yes. The only constant is change right so that means things have to get better at some point. There is so much more America can be. It's about not giving up. But first things first. Self care. And if living in a country where racists are given carte blanche to the WH I may have to live where it's a little less stressful (though not perfect, as no place unfortunately ever is or will be) so I can continue to fight, breathe, listen & teach.

Okay so on to something kewl. Listened to an older episode of Addicted to Race and it's a very good show & you can connect to it here. Anywho a woman named Claire Light was a guest and she talked about mixed race issues and she said some wonderful stuff. I'll have to re-listen to the episode to give her multiracial. Also a great quote from Claire. Here it is. Enjoy y'all!
Now is the time for us to really recognize what the roots of racism are, which is a fear of cultural difference. It's not a fear of skin color difference. It's a fear of the cultural difference skin color points to. And that is all about the fear of difference period.


Thursday, April 26, 2007

Something New!

I'm now writing for another blog (in addition to this & my sex blog) and just made my first post. It's TTL The Lesbian Lifestyle and you can read my first post on TTL here. I've been thinking about writing there for a few months & now the time seems right. It's a blog for lesbians to share their stories & such and I'm excited to partake in a e-community of lesbos.

Last night after having a truly filling and slightly mediorce meal at the Sizzler my gal & I got home & got quite upset about something that my roommie brought into the home. A motherforking ugly azz couch. After ranting about it to Zee I just had to lay down and not throw a fit. I mean geez talk about pool problems! Soon I figured out I'm totally PMSing and after confessing this to my ladylove she suggested I scream. To let the anger out. And I burst out with what she called "a truly blood curdling scream." And then she said he thought I needed to do it again & this time she covered her ears while my high pitch scream filled the house & frightened the dog. Even after that she knew I had more & got me on the floor with her & we threw a big ass temper tantrum and I even ran around the house screaming "fuck your couch!!!"

Let me say this: meditation has it's place. It takes the edge off. Prayer...really good too! And now I'm going to add the occasional temper tantrum to let anger out because I felt a world better after yelling & swearing and jumping around like a total fool.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Grey or Gray

I'm too lazy in the moment to look up what the difference between these 2 words are. My guess is that it's the same meaning but different spellings. Today I wanted to get some real clarity on the words then & than. I hope I never make the mistake of mixing those words up, but I probably will! Anywho it's grey in the City of Roses and so my ladylove & I are going get this...ummm...Sizzler. I know but crap it's a weird day and funky looking & why the heck not have some very not freerange meats and seafood. We're normally very good about eating with a conscious and having quality dining experiences...okay that's a complete lie as we freakin' love Totino's pizza. So it anyway it's blah & were going to Sizzler and that's that. Bad steak here we come!
Photo courtesy of unprofound

Monday, April 23, 2007

Let Go

I met with a woman who I'm taking the steps with this past Saturday. She gave me a lot of papers to read, all good stuff. As we chatted she told me a story about what another woman had told her about letting go. The woman told her that when she worries she imagines a balloon growing bigger & bigger as she thinks of the situation. She puts her fears into that balloon and then imagines it floating away, all the fears with it.

This weekend I imagined little things that annoyed me or concerned me or whatever & saw in my head balloons with the words Let Go or Let it Go on them floating in the sky & I'd feel free of the issue. It really works! The truth is no matter how much I try to use my thinking (or obsessing) to change something, what seems to work best is acknowledging the feeling, letting go and then doing the next right thing. Simple! Not so simple is the journey to get to this point. I've worked reasonably hard to get the feeling of serenity I have in this moment. And I realize recovery is a very long journey. Today I can let go of how long it takes to finally let go!


Thursday, April 19, 2007

Yeah the Shooter was Asian...What does that have to do with Anything?

So on Racialicious I made a comment off a post about how now that we know the gunman was Asian what would the backlash be based on his ethnicity. Here's what I said:

I hate to add yet another comment but here goes…

I find it interesting that the “settlers” & “pioneers” who immigrated here illegally caused the greatest amount of carnage this country has ever seen. Not only that were still very much affected by the brutality of people who are considered “founders” of this country. If only background checks could have been done then…

Bringing this young mans ethnicity & migration status into this tragic event only takes away from what in my humble opinion is the heart of the matter- violence. Regardless of this persons background his violence is a reflection of a culture that embraces violence. We love/hate violence here. And everywhere I suppose. All humans are capable of great beauty & great harm. No one is exempt & to pretend that race, nationality, gender, sexuality or anything else has anything to do with what folks are capable of is silly & defeats progress to peace.~F
Posted 17 Apr 2007 at 3:40 pm

I know I have more thoughts on all this but I'm pretty tired & fighting off a potential cold so I'm just going to leave this for now. I just wish some folks didn't feel a need to get all racist & shit when something awful happens. It's not like when a white person commits a crime on this level you see POC saying out loud "we shouldn't let white folks into the country" or "see how those white people are." I mean maybe we think this at times & historically it would be fair to feel that way due to the great atrocities done to POC by whites at the "beginning" of the US of A. But we don't get broadcasters to speculate on how whites or men or whatever are a force of terror. And that folks is privilege in a nutshell. Peace!

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Love Latte

Is this not so sweet. My girl was taking a shift for a pal at ye ol' coffee shop and made me this drink with a heart on top. She already gave me chocolate truffles & dill havarti cheese today & now this. I know I make make some of you wretch and I'm working on a post about the shootings in Virginia, but I had to take a moment to wallow in my happy heart! I'm so friggin' in love and I say this with all seriousness...if I could I would have this woman's baby. No joke. She makes me want her to get me pregnant! Gawd help me I'm becoming a family queer!

For a long time I was on the fence about having kids but I think a lot of that had to do with finding the right person to have a family with. We've been together for 4 months & even though that's not very long, I just feel so darn deeply for her. Being in love is so nice. I've prayed all my life for someone like her. I'm so grateful!

BTW here's a pic of my new tattoo. The lighting is weird & this was taken with a camera phone but you'll get the gist.

Last but not least is this funny from Tracy Morgan called Blackass spooking Jack Ass. I don't know about anyone else but I believe this man is a comic genius. Peace!

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Quotes from Harry Allen

So I wanted to pass these quotes along from the spectacular podcast episode on Addicted to Race that featured Jason Tanz & Harry Allen. Mr. Tanz didn't particularly impress me but Mr. Allen was so great! Here's a couple quotes:

"Anytime anyone mistreats another person, they are engaging in some form of fantasy, some form of denial that that's not really a human or that's not really someone whose really accorded everything I'm accorded."

"What Black people want most from white people is the elimination of white supremacy. And anything short of that is really just minstrelsy of a kind."

Thank you Mr. Allen for saying what needed to be said in a succinct heartfelt manner!
Peace y'all!

A Great Short Film

I watched an incredible short film on today. It's a film by a young lady named Kiri Davis called "A Girl Like Me" and if you want to have even a clue of what it's like to be a young WOC in this country take a look. There is a heart breaking experiment with young Black children and a white doll & Black doll that may be eye opening for some people. Miss Davis gets her point across thoroughly in less than 8 minutes which shows her skill in film making. Please go see it at the link below. I really believe in this young lady & hope to see more good things from her.


Friday, April 13, 2007

Love & Happiness

Was listening to some Al Green this morning and thank goddess because I was starting to think & we all know that ain't good. I got to thinking about this whole Imus thing. Then I got to thinking about the co-worker who complained about having to learn about white privilege & I just started to feel bitterly angry. This happens from time to time. As a QWOC how could it not. But for me I know my anger helps no one (especially myself) unless I take peaceful, happy hearted action. Why take such a seemingly whimsical approach to the racism, sexism & homophobia that swirls around us? Because if I don't I'll explode and that will help no one.

Sometimes people of non-color seem to think that POC have issues. That POC are bringing up the "race thing" for no reason other than to make PONC (people of non-color) feel guilty. They wonder why we bring up our color, our experiences, our pain. Well quite frankly we wouldn't bring it up if ignorant white dudes didn't feel it necessary to remind up of our "place" in American society. That if we play basketball & were Black women were simply nappy headed ho's. None of those women on the team said "hey were going to bring attention to ourselves and issues of race by calling ourselves derogatory things." No it was a white heterosexual middle aged male who felt a need to talk shit about a group of women who only want to play basketball. These women had no political agenda, yet here they are smack dab in the middle of having to remember being a Black woman to some folks means being an ugly slut. That's what nappy & ho translate to.

And on a personal note why the hell should I have to listen to some white guy complain about having to deal with his inherent privilege. Why should I be reminded that some white folks think racism is my problem, when I never brought up the damn topic in the first place. Yeah it's my problem they want to talk shit about folks of color, queers, women and so on. Yeah it's my problem when they say something stupid & I have a feeling about it. Yeah it's my problem that they are racist. No it's their problem. And I'm not going to take on anyone else's problems. After all I go to al-anon.

So I could sit here & stew about the injustice of it all. That when white folks say racist things it's funny and when I confront them on it I'm just being a "sensitive" girl. But I say fuck it! I'm not going to let anyone's ignorance kill my spirit. I'm gonna thrive and help others to thrive. I'm not going to give myself a heart attack from the stress of injustice. I'm not going to scream & hit & hate. What works best is to first & foremost love myself and be happy. I'm going to be happy no matter what some fool thinks of me or the folks like me. Even if it's my own people. Then I'm going to be of service. Tell my truth and hope that in doing so others may suffer a little less at the hands of intolerance & prejudice. And then I'm gonna relax. And every time some a-hole feels a need to remind me they think I'm less than human I'm going to grow stronger in love & joy. I'm going to know that much more how lucky I am to not be one of those people. I'll know I'm free. QWOC's I believe they hate our freedom. Our freedom to shine in the face of their wish to crush our spirits. Let's not let them take it!

Here's an awesome link called How to Suppress Discussions of Racism. Learn it & know it well.

Some are pissed about this Imus thing because they think it was just freedom of speech. And I agree that freedom of speech is essential. With freedom comes consequences though. Yes we can say whatever we want. That is our right. We are also free then to take whatever consequences that come from what our words present & represent. If I call my boss a name, I may get fired. I'm free to say something mean & free to get fired after I say it. It's very silly to expect that there are no consequences for our words & actions. So when I hear someone get upset that Imus got punished I'll remember that in a free country he was free to speak & free to learn what his words can teach. I sure hope he & his ilk will get that someday.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

"I'll Never Leave"

Photo courtasy of unprofound

The three words I've longed to hear my whole life. Finally said & I believe her. There are no guarantees in life & in the end I must stay open to the remote possibility that what I want in terms of my love life may not be the Universe's will. I'm willing to accept that. I have to because it's only through openness that I found this woman. But I do hope. I have faith. After giving up & trying again and again I've made peace with my romantic past & am ready for whatever future I'm to have.

In love all I truly want is a spiritual connection. Everything else is secondary. My ladylove & I match so well. We fit like we've been together for so very long. Being in love is great. And better yet, she won't leave. Call it co-dependent or whatever but I needed those words to put my heart as ease. There is peace today. Tomorrow is out of my hands and I'm okay with that because I now know love. I know to never give up and to keep believeing.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Happy Mutha F-ing Easter!

Lent. This year I have not followed any tradition for Easter except giving up something for Lent. This year I gave up guilt & it has worked quite well. Yesterday I ate this lovely little cheesecake cupcake from Peets while doing an information shift at my place of employment. A customer came up with a question right as I was about to take a big ol' bite. He was kind and told me he was sorry for interrupting & I explained that my job is first & foremost to help him and that I could eat my cupcake any ol' time. He told me my treat looked good & wished he could have a treat but that it was Lent.

And for a moment I felt like "damn, I'm the worst friggin Catholic ever." Worse I realized it was Good Friday no less & I should not even be eating anything. Then I remembered that since I have not been to Mass in years & am brazenly queer & have had lots & lots of wonderful & sometimes weird sinful experiences that I could screw feeling bad for eating a cupcake. If I was going to feel bad for that then perhaps I ought to feel bad for that one night stand 9 years ago with the girl who had a bad haircut who was kinda shitty in bed. Anyway...

So tomorrow I work. And am glad for it. And as much as I'm glad Jesus rose on the third day I'm even more glad that this year for 40 days & 40 nights I've been guilt free & much more forgiving of myself and others. And really isn't that what the good Lord wants? For us to love each other and not put our ridiculous judgements upon ourselves & others. People are just people. And I am a people, I mean person. Queer or not. Of Color or not. Female or not. I'm just a mix of animal, vegetable & mineral with blood & emotions and ego coursing through it all. Just like everyone else. So today I can stop feeling bad for being a human & stop being so darn annoyed with everyone else's imperfect humanity. You know it feels so good I almost want to go to Easter service. Instead though I'll eat a triple chocolate Klondike bar!

Now for your viewing pleasure a pic my my sweetie took of me the other day. We were blowing bubbles outside her house & it was so fun and since it's raining here in Portland, I thought this would cheer. BTW I'm hopefully seeing the film Grindhouse tonight. Looks like a fun film! Peace!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

April and then some!

Ahh it's a beautiful day in the city of Portland! A crisp breeze flows through the living room doors from the back yard as I type this. There have been so many interesting things to update folks about & yet I've been slow to blog about them. So here's some updates in no particular order.
  • I got a new tattoo. It's a blue star on my right forearm. It's about the size of a nickle & really cute. I'd been thinking about getting a star of some sort on one of my arms for a while but finally (on a whim!) did it. My pal Andy came with me and we went to Captain Jacks on 46th & Hawthorne. The place was recommended even though when passing by the studio on the #14 bus I thought it looked a bit like a den for neo-nazis and bikers. Alas I went & a very nice young man did the star & I will go back for sure to get the tattoo on my neck redone. I'd take a pic & show it on this here blog but the tat is still in it's healing phase & looks a bit crusty.
  • My girlfriend & I are planning a trip. Were going to a treesort this summer. What the bloody hell is a treesort you ask. Go to the following link & find out. We have been trying to figure out where to take a mini trip & this place seems like a good bet for our first lovers getaway. We both really love tree houses & she found this place & it's so cool because you can go horseback riding, swim & take classes to learn how to build your very own tree house! Can't wait!
  • Addicted to Race had an awesome podcast a couple weeks ago that featured Harry Allen & Jason Tanz. It was about hip hop & people on non-color's relationship to the music. Mr. Allen said some incredibly brilliant things & as soon as I listen to the podcast again (have listened to it twice so far) I'll quote him. Anyway check it out right here!
  • Speaking of race stuff some moron (okay strong word I know but I had to let that out) at work was near me recently complaining that they had to study white privilege. Ohh poor fucking baby! I want to check out the new website and see if I can find some stuff to pass along to the union at work. Geezus!

Well it's too damn nice to stay in a keep blogging. I'm off to walk the dog & perhaps watch Snake on a Plane this evening. I know but I love silly movies. BTW I'm reading the book Boomsday by Christopher Buckley (the guy who wrote Thank You for Smoking) and it's really good. It's about a lady blogger who one day proposes that the government could save money by having the elderly volunteer to kill themselves by 70 years old in exchange for tax credits. It's sounds macabre as hell but is really quite enjoyable. Tootles!