Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Totinos Pizza. You know you love it!

Was not in the mood to cook tonight. I just wanted a Totinos pizza so badly so I got one. And then I saw these Ben & Jerry's ice cream cones on sale and...well you know. They were on sale darn it. And just so I'd have a little something healthy tonight I got some 7up because it's all natural right? Oh shit the sweetness is high fructose corn syrup. So I ate a really fucked up, bad for me meal. It was cheap & good so there!

Last night I did something brand new at my place of employment. I did my very 1st author introduction. I wrote it myself and when to time came to stand up before 60 strangers and talk, I did pretty well. Except that I forgot to turn on the microphone initally and lucky for me most folks heard me without it. A quarter way through I turned on the mic laughed with the audience and continued. This only confirmed for me that one of my forte's is public speaking. I can't wait to do it again!

My gosh I'm tired. Must-digest-bad-meal. Oh BTW here are the books I'm reading for Black History Month.

  1. Measure of a Man by Sidney Poitier

  2. Hokum: An Anthology of African-American Humor by Paul Beatty

  3. Lose Your Mother by Saidiya Hartman

The Sidney Poitier bio is pretty good so far. He rushes through getting into his first few films and his marriage. I would have liked to know more about his courtship but whatever. Hokum looks good because it's a humor anthology but feaures folks like Soujourner Truth, Zora Neale Hurston and Langston Hughes. Even Al Sharpton who you know can't help but be funny.
Lose Your Mother came out recently and is about the authors journey for information on the slave trade route in Ghana. I'm really excited about this book for a couple reasons. Of course learning more about what my people went through when they were forced to leave their homes, family and culture but I'm also interested because my mother once married a man from Ghana. He was my step dad for a while and it was cool then to have another Black man in my life who was an African.
Okay so peace y'all!

Monday, January 29, 2007

The Unofficial Start of Black History Month!

That's right! I say it starts today. Yay for Black History!

Reading Sidney Poitier's biography this morning got me thinking a lot about my own blackness. Also reading 2 articles questioning Barack Obama's blackness made me wonder about my own heart and attitude on how black-I-am. This and other topics will be explored in a very personal way this month. Other Black History Month topics I'll present are:
  • My Black heroes
  • My dad
  • The words black and dark and their negative connotations
  • How slavery still lingers

Today is a very busy day for me so I won't likely post until tomorrow. Until then be happy and celebrate!

Sunday, January 28, 2007

End of Redolence. The New Beginning! QWOC!

Welcome to QWOC. I decided to rename this blog to bring more visibility to queer women of color on the world wide web. Since a great deal of the things that concern me in life have to do with issues for LGBTQ/women & folks of color I decided to rename & refocus. Yes you'll still have to read about my love life and diatribes about how awesome my cat is, but you'll also understand that even these experiences can be affected by my race, gender & where I like to stick my hand.

Since last year I decided Black History month needs to start early since February is the shortest of all months. We need equal time so this year I say Black History Month starts tomorrow. With that in mind tomorrows post will be about some of my heroes and the month will have some specific Black History posts. Enjoy y'all. Here's to Black history, Black future, QWOC and living in our truth one day at a time!

Saturday, January 27, 2007

So Sweet!

Okay so I'm not going to the par-tay after all. Decided I needed a me night. Wanted to paint my nails, do 12 step work and watch TV. Instead I have the television on in the background and am online futzing around. I've been looking at pussies (yes the ones on ladies but not for that reason! Trying for find a vag pic I can edit for my other blog) and making colors. Making colors? What the bloody heck is that? Well on COLOURlovers you can make up your own color palettes. So I had to download FireFox so I could do it and then I went to work and came up with the following. I call it Fall Evening.

The first and 3rd colors I got to name. The 1st is Deepest Blush & the other color I named I call Spiritual High. Nice eh? I put these colors together because they remind my of slightly warm shades at night in autumn.

Anywho my ladyfriend called a bit ago and we had the nicest phone call despite the fact that Lily (the dog) felt a need to bark the whole damn time. After saying what what WHAT I finally went into my room & shut the door to hear her. Now keep in mind I'm wanting to keep my readers from puking so I'm trying not to talk extensively about our hanging out. So feel free to skip this fourth coming mushy.

She called just to say she was thinking of me. Wants to make me dinner this week. Then she asks if I know much about my Native American background. I tell her yes I do because I did a big-ass report on the Creeks (Muskogee) in high school for National History Day. No one has ever taken an interest in my Creek-ness and DJ told me she spent some time the other day looking up info to find out more about my people. She has Native American ancestors too and is actually more Native then I, but I still find her interest sweet. Anyway she found some recipes on the internet and plans to make me a meal based on some Muskogee recipes. Awwww! I can't wait to hold her in my arms again and feel our limbs against each others. I'm very much taking this thing one day at a time. And today, even though I didn't see her in person, was pretty nice! Peace!

The big "O"/bad jokes/pics/redo update/whatever the hell else I can think of this morning!

The Oregonian had an interesting article on race and "humor" yesterday. Read it here. Apparently this guy in Newport, OR decided to share with his Mexican-American co-worker a column called "Ask a Mexican." The guy who showed the column was eventually suspended for racial harassment. Racialicious had a great post in late December about the new trend of Ask-a-(some type of minority) articles. I'm not entirely sure what I feel about these columns. They seem to try and dismantle racism while upholding stereotypes at the same time. Humor is subjective and this ask a Mexican may very well, through humor, help open eyes around various isms.

In a Powells.com interview with author Paul Beatty, he noted that what is funny to one group of persons may not be to others. This is where the whole free speech issue comes in. If folks justify trying to deal with racism by using using humor that feeds into stereotypes where do we draw the line in who we expose to this type of "humor." Just because it makes one person laugh for whatever reason they do doesn't mean someone else won't find it terribly offensive. And so if one makes these jokes they must be prepared for any consequences and not be mad if others get mad. Yes we have free speech, but we also have consequences for that speech.

Okay so speaking of humor that may offend- here are 2 very bad jokes:
Q- How do make Martha Stewart scream twice?
A- Fuck her in the ass & then wipe your dick on the curtains.

So bad! Okay here's another:
Martha Stewarts 3 helpful hintos for taking charge in the kitchen:
1. Fuck them in the ass with an egg beater
2. Make them lick it clean
3. Hand wash my curtains bitch!

I know bad. But I laugh anyhow!
So I decided to take theThink off as my BOTM. It's been replaced by Rachels Tavern. She's a QWOC (queer woman of color) that has a most awesome blog that mostly covers social issues of race, sexism & homophobia. Check it out! Also added as to the blogs is ham & cheese on wry. She's a NY dyke that is simply very funny. Thanks to the friend who recommended her blog. I now read it every time it's updated. Also you may notice yet again I have changed the look of my blog. I love variety and so will probably change the look of this thing often. But I want to give a big thanks to Zee for my last header. This new header I created by taking a free-share photo & editing the section of it I liked for a header. Photo cradit to Tracy at unprofound. Last but not least the colors blogger allows are pretty limited so I found the yummy color called "going down" on COLOURlovers. I used it for the links as I wanted something bright. It's color #D1045A

So tonight I'm going to my 1st ever cocktail party. If I've been to them before I was too drunk to remember or they were NOT classy enough to call it that really. I'm a little nervous as I generally don't like going to places where there's lots-o-booze and I'm likely to be the only sober person. So I've got a pal who will leave her phone on in case I need to call and I have another recovery friend who is willing to go with if need be. My new ladyfriend is DJ-ing the event which is why I'm going in the first place. I told her though I may just make a cameo and take off and she supports that so it will hopefully be alright. My attitude is the focus and I'm just trying to look at the situation by what I can bring to it and how I can helpful and take care of my self. There you have it.

So here's info on the pics in today's post. The 1st one I took this morning making this face and quite frankly I think I look silly & hot. The 2nd happened again this morning. I was on the phone with Zee and I saw my cat Bebes in this corpse type pose and had to take a pic. He's such a cute baby! The last photo is Lucy, a teacup chiuaua. She belongs to Satan and my ladyfriend and is very cute and very fussy.

Peace y'all!

Thursday, January 25, 2007


It's been a reasonably enjoyable day off. Tired though from not getting much sleep last night. And no I wasn't up all night *doing* *it*! Though I was up with my lover we chatted and laughed our asses off with...oh ... it's bad.......bodily function stories. Poop, farting, belching and other grossness were the topics for a great deal of our past Midnight chat. I think she was mighty impressed that I can fart at will. She laughed so hard she cried. It was pretty funny.

We also talked about trust and honesty. She suggested that we "be true to ourselves and each other." Sweet, simple & to the point. So we embark on the journey of not just sexual but emotional intimacy. A friend once said intimacy can stand for into-me-you-see. I like that.

So I put some new links in the sidebar. OurChart and TheThink are the new WOTM & BOTM's of the month. I must admit I really like TheThink but I just read this post and am rethinking linking his blog to mine. He says at the end of his post:

"Anyway, food for thought. Are Blacks more homophobic than other races in America? I don’t know, but I think some Blacks need to calm down when it comes to all that “No Homo”nonsense.
It’s stupid. Grade F stupid.

And I shouldn’t even have to bring this up, but I am not gay, never have been. Frankly, I find most men to be disgusting as dingleberry pie to look at or be attracted to. I think women are just about the most beautiful people on Earth, spiritually and physically.

I need them; they complete me. But just because I think gay sex and a gay lifestyle is gross doesn’t mean that gays should be barred from certain freedoms."

WTF? Gay sex is gross & the gay "lifestyle" is gross? Just what the hell is the gay lifestyle to him or gay sex for that matter? His viewpoints on race stuff are pretty refreshing so I'm disappointed in his idea of not just there being a gay lifestyle but that whatever this so-called lifestyle is is gross. He's young and I don't want to be ageist but perhaps he just doesn't know much about queers to know what he's talking about. What you you guys think? I offered in a comment to dialogue with him about this. So we'll see. For now I'm linking him but with trepidation.

Speaking of this dude he wrote an awesome article on Barack Obama being AWB- Articulate While Black. It was featured today in my oh-so-favorite racially delicious blog Racialicious. Check out the article here.

Speaking of black stuff I bought a new black bra today. I had to because Lily freakin' ate my bra. I wear a 32DDD and my bras are very expensive. Needless to say Little Lil' and I to had to have some space the rest of the day.

Here is a pic of my poor beautiful $60 bra that I can't even fix because of where the holes are. Anyway I got one today that is the exact same damn thing but black. And if you're a lady you know how freakin' taxing it is to find a really good bra. There's the fit thing first & foremost. You don't want your boobs to bubble up over the top or have the back so tight there are rolls of back-fat on the sides of your back. Then it's always nice beyond fit to have a bra that's pretty and comfortable. It is very hard to find this and I'm happy to say Wacoal has supplied me with wonderful bras that have been beautiful, fit well and comfortable. This bra is my particular favorite & what I purchased in black today.

Well I think that's enough from me today. Happy Thursday y'all!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

My iPod matches my vibrator!

Just realized this, this morning. After looking in my "goody" drawer & seeing them side by side I just had to laugh. I guess I'm truly hot for hot pink!


Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Weird Tuesday!

Customers were weird at work today. One dude thought there was a mouse turd on his book but it was just a marker stain. Another guy got mad because he the store required ID for returns. One poor lady got bitchy with me so I got bitchy back and then we apologised to each other and held hands. Funny stuff. Not so funny however is this huge stupid crap with my mail-in pharmacy Express Scripts. If I go into the story I'm afraid I'll break this computer so I'll just say I finally got my meds today after many curse words and only had to pay $4.

Bush was on TV tonight but I can't watch him without wanting to tear my hair out so there you go.

Since the Sun went into Aquarius the air around me has felt strange. More grumpy I guess.But here is something to NOT be grumpy about. Gay.com has a lovely article on how 50 couples in Colorado protested unequal marriage laws by getting married. LGBT organizations there handed out licences to love. Kewl!

In other homo news this whole Isiah Washington thing is bringing up a lot of feelings for folks. This week he met with GLAAD people and I must admit I'm really (pardon the pun) glad about this. The last thing we need are more wounds between minorities. This post on Racialicious has brought out some interesting comments (unfortunately including mine) on if Mr. Washington should be fired.

Anyway I think it's time for a slice of hot pepper jack cheese and relaxation. Peace!

Monday, January 22, 2007

Nugget of the Day

At the Noon meeting I went to today I heard someone say: You can't do something new and look good at the same time. Gawd how friggin true that is. No wonder I rarely look cool because I'm always trying new things.

BTW Zee had a funny post today on beer flavored dog water. What will they think of next? I don't know, I'm afraid to ask!

Heroes starts again tonight. I'm so excited but am so tired (about 7 hours sleep in the last two nights) that I hope I can stay up until 9pm for the show. Peace!

Erotic City

Don't worry. This is not going to be a long post on how damn awesome my sex life is right now. No. It was bee a short post about how awesome my sex life is. Ha ha!

My sex life is really awesome!
Have a great day y'all!

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Yummy Blog Stuff

Well I must admit the more I fart around with this little blog the more I want to know & learn. I don't have photoshop so I'm limited in stuff I can do in terms of headers. I'm cheap as hell too and don't want to have to pay out anything for image usage & such. So I found this (great link which guides us to the world of free photos) after visiting Mr. P. Moore at TheThink. From there I checked out COLOURlovers which has yummy color palettes and ou can even create yout own lovely palette. Of some of the free photo sites I really like so far unprofound.com.

Fun stuff! So my goal with all this now is to come up at minimun 2x a week with neat photos or colors to post (and o' course give credit!). So here we go. My favorite photo thus far and my favorite color palette. Enjoy!

Color palette called Desert Treat by weirdosayswhat at COLOURlovers. Photo by Jim at unprofound. Peace y'all!

Friday, January 19, 2007

A Groovy Title Alludes Me

Today was a great day. Nothing special happened per se. Just a happy camper. I wasn't so sure if I'd be kinda sad today as last night I was grieving. Grieving for goodness knows what really. I guess my last relationship was a big part of the sadness. Grieving dreams that I'm grateful never came true. Loss sucks but I'm glad I cried & got through the feelings.

I wore a skirt today. Have not worn one since the summer and it felt so very good. Since having to wear an ankle brace I'm reluctant to wear any skirts that show my ankles. But I said "fuck it" and wore a very cute catholic school girl type skirt. Yes it's short, pleated, wool and has a black background with red, green, white & yellow plaid. It even has the lovely big gold pin to close up the side flap to keep others from seeing my goodies. The best part I must admit was wearing this skirt knowing the effect it would have on DJ. We discussed the catholic school girl sex play thing after I told her I was raised catholic. Just for fun I wore this skirt & when she came up to chat with me I was sitting. Then I said I had her surprise and stood up, showing the skirt. She grinned wildly & had to walk away for a bit because her face began turning bright red. Ahhhh!

In other news I really loved it when I was at a meeting tonight & it was said that you can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber. Why this thought got to me today is unknown to me. But there you have it!

Added 2 new blogs to my blogroll. 1st is Daily Dose of Queer. And well, it's a heck of a lot of queer news all day long. I love it! Also added is The Lesbian Lifestyle. I figure this is pretty self explanatory. And Guess what? TLL is having their 1st annual Lesbian Blog of the Year Award. And yes you want to nominate me. Just click on the nomination button at the top-o-this blog or click here. You don't have to be a homo to nominate me either, so there you go! Peace!

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Dill Havarti Cheese...

is so damn yummy! Last week DJ showed up for our date with a bouquet of tulips and a block of dill havarti cheese. No one had ever brought me cheese. Flowers yes. Flowers & cheese no. So this evening I'm munching on this cheese and getting geared up for a nice evening of must-see-TV.

Though I'm not the worlds biggest fan of television I have some certain things I love to watch. Thursday nights I always watch the comedy line-up on NBC. My Name is Earl, The Office, Scrubs and 30 Rock are great shows. The Office & 30 Rock always make me laugh. 30 Rock has been the biggest surprise actually. When it was first advertised I thought it looked kinda stupid. But that Tina Fey & that shows team of writers really know their stuff & are great with subtlety. And Steve Carell on the Office is a hoot. In the film Bruce Almighty he stole the movie playing a newscaster being forced to say lines from a teleprompter that Jim Carrey's character "typed" in. In fact I was on an airplane on my way back to Portland from Detroit and Bruce Almighty was playing. When the above mentioned scene was playing I laughed so much my friend on the plane said everyone could hear me.

Heroes is my other favorite show. Normally I'm not into fantastical stuff but shit that show is good! Not only is the cast multi cultural but the plot is interesting and paced deliciously. The is also a mixed race child character on the show who along with others has special powers. Yay!

A show I'm not watching this season however is *gasp* The L Word. Yes it's true. I saw the season opener and it sucked. I mean really sucked. The plot didn't even make sense. My word for it is stupid. So disappointing! I'm just going to wait until season 4 is on DVD and watch it then. Hopefully there will be enough hot girl-on-girl action to finish all the episodes.

Speaking of watching stuff I saw the movie "The Curse of the Golden Flower." It was magnificent! Just beautiful. Visually stunning with a story that had so much back-stabbing and deception that I was utterly riveted. The costumes were so lovely and it was vibrant colors everywhere. Very highly recommended!

As much as I hate Coca-Cola the coke commercial before the previews I watched today was really cool. It mimiced a video game that was much like Grand Theft Auto. Only the main character helped people instead of attacking them. It wasn't perfect, there was a goofy scenario where he put a man who appeared to be homeless into a car full of beautiful women, but hey the commercial was a step in the right direction.

Last little thing. The American Lung Association of Oregon are hosting a wonderful event called Reach the Summit. Obviously it benefits the ALAO (an association near & dear to my heart...I mean lungs as I have asthma) but it's also really cool because instead of walking or running for a cause your climbing Mt. Hood (or Mt. Shasta). They even train folks and outfit them with equipment for the climb. So ya know, check it out. Okay y'all. Peace!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

How Cool! Making Headers is Easy!

Well hells bells I learned something new tonight. I've been wanting to figure out more about creating my own headers after Zee made the nice new one that is currently atop this bloggie. Tonight I have self taught moi & I'm happy. First I went here and chose an image after creating an account. Then I went to myImager.com and played around with text fonts, borders & such. At the top under file I selected open, uploaded the pic & then was able to go from there to effects, draw and adjust. So where is this header I made? It's on my other blog (warning it's all about sex!). And then to get just the right shade of blue to go with, I found this HTML color codes site. Anyway I'm a happy camper!

I Love Snow in PDX!

It was yet another great snow day today. Just being out there crunching around and smiling. It's a great time to chit-chat with strangers and play. Walking around in SE Portland today my new friend/lover DJ & I decided to take pics of snowmen that we saw. The one in this picture reminded me of Caesar with the crown of leaves.

Very tired yet again. We got about 5 hours of sleep which is a vast improvement over the last time she slept over & we never feckin' slept! The key phrase in my head at this point is One Day at a Time. After my last relationship I don't want to rush. Though I must admit I'm having a rockin' time & do wonder if she & I could really have something. We have this thing. It's something I can't even put words to. So I'm just trying to remember take this one day, if not one hour at a time.

We have the best damn sexual chemistry I've ever had. That's very dangerous for me because great sex has always turned my brain into scrambled eggs. Like great sex equaled love and I know from experience that is not true at all. And what's really interesting is sex is one thing but just it's just kissing her even that puts deep flutters waving through my body. And then adding on all the other aspects of sexuality and...Wow! Plus DJ is just a cool lady. We have so much in common and are very at ease with each other. We're both spiritual, loyal, strong & happy. So I'm just praying. Praying for peace of mind and heart. Praying to take things slow & really know her without trying to make her be what I might want her to be. I'm praying for guidance and that my relationship to God/dess and self comes first no matter what. I have no other choice for anything else brings insanity. And you know insanity is very dehydrating! Seriously!

Speaking of sex, here's a link to an SF Gate article by Violet Blue: 2006's top 10 sex stories. Enjoy! Peace to you & me.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

WOC Fast

Starting today there has been a call for women of color to fast together across the nation. Reclaiming our Spirit is what it's called. WOC I ask you to join me. For more details please follow this link: http://iambecauseweare.wordpress.com/2007/01/14/reclaiming-our-spirit-join-us-in-a-three-day-fast-please-distribute-widely/


Let it Snow!

It's been snowing like a mofo here in Puddletown. The store is closing early today and though I leave at the same time anyway, it just makes the day feel more special. Took almost 1 1/2 hours to get to work. I was only 4 minutes late. Not too shabby, especially considering the Bus Mall is all wiggity wack right now and I have to walk an extra 8 blocks to & from work everyday.
Anyway I freakin' love this snow. I'm in such a good mood. It's so fun to be out & be slogging around town with everyone.

I sent a text message to my new lover. It said "Wanna play in the snow & then get naked?" Amazingly she called right after receiving the text saying yes. Looks like it will be a fun night for us! What makes me smile most about today is that I finally get to use the snow boots my ma bought for me. I called first thing to tell her I'd be using them & she said it made her day. Awww! Anyway have a great y'all. I know I will!

Monday, January 15, 2007

Yay and MLK Jr. Day

Are you looking at my blog? Oh gosh yes you are! Notice anything different? I know it's cute eh? A big big thanks to Zee for creating the header. The Daschund looks just like my little Lily. With the lovely header I needed to figure out how to get it on this blog. Thanks to Google I found this. And yay!

Well I'm still quite tired despite getting 10 hours of sleep last night. I don't even know what else to say on that.

Today I walked in a Martin Luther King Jr. march. It was great! Sisters of the Road sponsored the march and you know they make some really great cookies. Today I felt so very grateful for Dr. King and his wife Coretta. If it had not been for them & the others who joined in the movement for equal freedom, I may not be here. My parents may not have ever got together. Perhaps I'd have to drink from a different fountain then some of my friends. Maybe I wouldn't be able to work and love as freely as I do. I thank God for Martin & Coretta. Things can still suck, but my goodness, because of Dr. King I can do something about it.

One thing we can never forget when it comes to prejudice: as King said "whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly." This is the truth for those of us who are minorities. We are still suffering the affects of slavery, marriage inequality, and brutality. And I believe one day this wo'n be the case. All will be & feel free.

Happy MLK Jr. day to y'all. We shall overcome!

Sunday, January 14, 2007


It's official. I have been awake for over 24 hours! Dear God. Generally I love sleep. Lately it alludes me. Can't even remember the last time I went a whole night without sleep. Maybe in my early 20's? Anyway incase any of you are wondering... yes I had a great time not getting sleep. I'd do it again & again for the lovely evening I had. But I need some damn sleep. That much I know.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Celebs I'd Do

Okay I've been up since 5am. So laying in bed I started thinking about various things including celebrities who are hot & I'd totally have sex with. Yes I'm that slutty! So without further ado here are the celebs I'd do & what I think the sex would be like.

Men (yes men damnit, just cuz I'm a carpet muncher doesn't mean I don't upon occasion find dudes do-able!)
  1. Taye Diggs. I think he'd stare into my eyes & be very firm but gentle
  2. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. I'd hope he'd fuck me with all his might
  3. Denzel Washington. I think he'd be good at eating pussy
  4. Mark Ruffalo. He'd use a little light bondage on me I'm guessing
  5. Clive Owen. I'd tie his ass UP!


  1. Halle Berry. Oh god where to begin with this woman. Well since I'm such a sucker for waists I'd probably spend a lot of time caressing her curves. Then I think we'd have pretty typical you eat me I eat you type sex
  2. Selma Hayek. I think there would be a lot of kissing and then fisting
  3. Julianne Moore. I think we'd stare into each others eyes as we gave each other hand jobs
  4. Missy Elliott. There would be lots of laughter and experimentation
  5. Leisha Hailey (from the L Word). A strap on would definitely be involved

Well on that note I'm going to umm... take a nap. Yeah that's it. Peace y'all!

Friday, January 12, 2007

Diagnosis: Eat Candy!

Well not exactly but kinda. My salivary gland was blocked a couple months ago & unblocked itself then by some miracle. Last night the gland felt tight again. This morning the underside of my chin was swollen due to the blockage. I called the doctor & went in during lunch. Was examined & the suggestion for draining the block is to suck on really sour candy. This stimulated the gland & gets it to push out the blockage. Now I can eat Sour Patch Kids for dessert & not feel guilty. Yay!

Confession: I've been wanting to smoke cigarettes. I have not but for the last month I've had the cravings. I haven't picked up a cigarette in over a year. I hate smoking. It's disgusting! None of my close friends smoke. None of my family. No lovers. All that. But my gosh how I want one. So I'm just needing to let the cat out of the bag. I want to smoke. I won't but the desire is there and I don't like it. Peace!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

-Hello Frances, I have just been to health class, and I was wondering how your feminine parts were developing?

That is a line from the book I'm reading 'What is the What' by Dave Eggers. Last night my new friend whom I'll call DJ & I went to go see Valentino Deng, the very real main character of this book, at Reading Frenzy. He spoke for an hour & I took a pic of him that is so blurry I can't even post it. But it was great to see this man in person. I have about 60 pages to go in finishing the book & I just have to say it is wonderful. The things this man has been through...

And DJ & I both noted how he said he felt Americans in general were a compassionate people. I couldn't believe it. I never really though of Americans as compassionate. And knowing his story, of starvation, war, blood, danger, made me feel very grateful to be an American. We have incredible opportunity & freedom. I certainly take it for granted. Laziness. I just assume all will be there when I want it & sit back & don't do the things I dream of. Valentino's words inspired me. I'm so grateful.

I can say without pause that last night I went on the best date I've ever had. Hands down. I'm so very very tired because I could not sleep last night when I got home (alone thank you very much!). Since Sunday night I've been sleeping terribly & can hardly eat. I don't know what the heck is happening. But last night I thought for sure I'd crash & sleep for a full 8 hours. No I slept about 4 hours maybe.

My mind just kept replaying the amazing evening. So I don't make my readers gag I'll keep the details to a minimum by relaying some highlights.

  • Meeting her 2 very tiny chihuahuas (they're like 2lbs each)

  • Being asked if she could hold my hand

  • First kiss at the Blue Monk listening to live JazzTronica

  • Kissing at Midnight on Hawthorne Blvd.

  • Her eyes, her caring & holding her close

  • Having her find my special hot spot and treating it very well (no not that hot spot! It's areas of my ears & neck which have not been kissed like that in probably a decade)

The very best part though was saying goodbye & just seeing the way she looked at me & feeling my smile radiating out of my body. Now the key is just staying grounded and true to myself no matter what my little head wants to do.

In other news check out the very cute pic my pal Zee took. It's so funny!

Also I've discovered the website ourchart.com. It's a new lesbo site that''s pretty interesting. Also click on this link to see my (mine is the 2nd one from the bottom on the right side) & some other folks top 5 book picks for 2006. Okay that's it from me. Peace y'all.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Trusting My Intuition

This is one of those moments where being true to myself is hard. I feel like folks may judge me for this decision but I have to do what feels right. I'm putting off school. Not forever, just for one more term. Seriously! Just the timing doesn't quite feel right. When this feeling came upon me I asked the powers that be for a sign. And if you believe in that sort of thing then believe me when I say I got it. On the way to class tonight I was going from one bus to another. In the block and a half I walked to my bus stop the rain poured fiercly. So much that I literally got soaked. My feet were wet, jeans damp and jacket throughly moist. As soon as I got under the bus shelter the rain slowed to regular drops and I thought "damnit."

I know I want to go back to school. And I know I'm just about ready. My ankle needs to be more solid for one thing. It's been swollen and in pain lately. My thought upon walking to work this morning was "it feels like it's going to crack apart on the inside ." Another sign. My decision to go back Winter term was rash and I know that what's good is it has gotten the ball rolling for me. All is in place. Soon my brain will be ready and I'm excited. In the meantime I have lots to do. With my housemate gone I've got prime opportunity to do a lot of growing via 1st step work.

So there it is. Judge me if you must. I know I'm struggling with judging myself on this. Believe me, believeing in myself is still hard sometimes. But on this matter I'm going to just practice trusting my intuition.

Otherwise it was a groovy day. Time to relax and play with Miss Lily. That dog is so goofy!

Monday, January 08, 2007

Great Day. Post #2 for 1/8/07

Oh my gosh it was such a great day! On my break I wrote the 1st of today's posts (had to wait until I got home to publish it though). Then I met and spoke to Barry Manilow! A co-worker came upstairs and told me he was shopping in the Red room and I ran my ass down there to check him out. And there he was looking at the book Bush on the Couch. I got really shy and instead of being a regular, nice, normal person I walked past him and said "wow you're a lot taller in person" and he said "umm thanks...I think." Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

A couple hours before I went to a good noon meeting and heard some incredible honesty. I love how raw & humble folks can get in 12 step meetings sometimes. Anyway soon after I met Barry Manilow I ran upstairs to tell co-workers about Barry Manilow being in the building. That's when I ran into my new Friend who I was pretty excited to see after we spent most of our working hours together the night before flirting and talking about the & films we love while completing various tasks. I was hoping also I'd run into her because she's a DJ & has a very wide range of musical tastes & I knew she'd be excited to meet Barry Manilow. So when I told her She got all excited & rushed down with me to meet him. I went back upstairs to wait & chat with another worker and when my Friend came back she was as happy as I was. Only she was cooler than moi as she actually introduced herself & shook the mans hand. Ahhhhhhhhh!

New Friend & I went off to a little corner to chat and figure out what we're doing together this weekend after our mutual Barry Manilow moments. Around her my brain feels a bit like a scrambled egg & I walked her downstairs forgetting I needed to finish up work upstairs. So we parted ways & I went upstairs and stopped one floor up to chat with a couple co-workers. My one co-worker was like "are you wearing blush?" And I said "honey I wear blush everyday." She said "You do because your cheeks are all pink and they never look that pink" and I pretty much repeated my first response to her. "Really because your cheeks are all pink and your all glowing" she smirked. I realized what it was and told her the woman I was talking to I had a big ol' crush on. My co-worker said "oh that explains why you too were smiling so much and you've never looked happier." Oh my gosh. This is all very strange because my last relationship ended recently and I did not expect to feel anything for anyone for a while. I always thought if I were ti be single again I'd want to ask my Friend out. And she confessed last week she had tried to ask me out 4 months ago but found out I was starting to date someone else and backed off.

Needless to say at this point I'm cautious if not wary in the realm of romance. My track record is terrible. Worse is my time single has been short. So with that, this thing that's going on between my Friend & I is going to go slow. People seem one way because that's the way they want to appear or you want to see them a certain way and then boom, this person is not what you thought. I can say this for about 9o% of my relationships. So I need to check this girl out & find out over a period of time who she is and what she's about. I need to take that time because I can't always see the truth (because I don't want to see it) of a situation until some time has passed. And truthfully my best relationships always have happened slowly. So that's where I'm at with that.


I wanted to highlight a few updates to my blog. I have added a BOTM (Blog Of The Month) in addition to the Website Of The Month (WOTM). This months picks include the blog Reappropiate. The woman who does this blog is really inspiring and smart about race issues and in particular Asian representation in the media. The website is the Green Belt Movement. Environmental activist Wangari Maathai is helping to empower men & especially women in Kenya by planting trees. So check out the BOTM & WOTM in the sidebar. You'll be glad you did.

One other change is I'm now featuring what book I'm currently reading. Right now it is "What is the What" by Dave Eggers. The book is incredible & I love Dave Eggers even more now. More on that book later.

One last plug. Yes it's Racialicious related. New Demographic produces the blog Racialicious. They or maybe I should say she, Carmen Van Kerckhove also produces a podcast called Addicted to Race. The last episode of Addicted to Race was really good. You can listen without even having an iPod here. You'll thank me later.

Okay that's enough out of me! Peace!

I Love. Post #1 for 1/8/07

Can it be that simple? The defining statement that sums up who I am & what I believe?

That I love. It's not about a particular person in a romantic way. Or familial duty or even how I feel about the President & the state of our world.

So much of my life has involved my self knowing to be defined by others. Had I grown up with people around me who knew themselves well, perhaps I too would of had a better grasp on Me. Whatever the reason, I sought out ideas about who I was based often on friends/lovers perceptions of my self rather than thinking and then finally understanding myself based upon my own intuition and logic.

"To thine own self be true" it says on the coins I receive that celebrate sobriety anniversaries. When I first started to receive them I had a difficult time knowing who the self the coin talked about was. Self be true-who's that! I knew how to morph into looking like the good girlfriend/lover/activist and such. I didn't know squat about being true to my own hopes and needs. I was afraid to say no. I was afraid period.

Now I know that how folks feel about who I am & what I do not only have little to do with me, but also is not my business. And this applies to my perceptions of others as well of course. I know now that what I hate in others directly reflects what I hate in myself. The same for what I like/enjoy. That my attitude holds the key. And willingness is the small hole that opens to the world.

All that being said I can say this regardless of what my family, friends,co-workers, ex-lovers, current lovers, bosses, government officials or anyone else thinks... I know who I am.

And here is the key defining word that describes not only who I am but what I want, need, live for, know and feel: love. That's it. That's all. No I certainly have not loved as well as I like liked. Especially my very own self. Addiction, despair and anger many times muted the shining of the love in my life. With those things lifted or lifting from my world I see know how beautiful the world inside me is. And all there can be from such revelations is gratitude. Like life I am great and small, good and bad, beautiful and ugly. But also like life, the greatest lessons are about love. How glad I am finally to just be in my rightful place. Just drops of water encased in flesh, trying to get back to the places I came from.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Sunday is Sunday

First off I wanted to share Zee's new blog or shall I say very nicely updated blog Behind Blue Eyes. It looks great & she's a rockin' lady with great insights so check it out.

At work it's free pizza day so I didn't need to deal with breakfast, lunch or dinner. The bad part is all I'm eating is cheese pizza all day so needless to say I had to go buy some fruit & get some damn life into my body.

Children of Men was awesome! Bleak as hell but very good. Julianne Moore was super beautiful as usual and Clive Owen was rugged & such. Highly recommended. My time with my new friend was great. She took off work early just to spend more time with me & we went to one of my favorite restaurants Saucebox for dinner before the flick. My sushi had Kim Chee in it which was very good.

I was chatting with a co-worker today about the difference between being loved for our weirdness vs. being loved in spite of it. Growing up I was the literal black daughter of the black sheep in my mothers Euro-American family. For so long I tried to hide my weirdness (except to my very weird close friends) so I'd be loved. My best relationships (friends/family/lovers) though have been when the intrepid people in my life encouraged me to let my weirdness out.

Last night at dinner when I was explaining to This Woman my fears around wearing my hair in strange & unique ways, based on that lingering desire to pass, she suggested I try once a month to wear my hair in some funky way I've always wanted (she herself currently has a "fade" on the sides of her head!). I just love that type of encouragement!

Tonight is the L Word premiere! Yay! I'm going to the Portland premiere tonight at Aura which happens to across the street from where I work. Even more yay! As some of you know my favorite character is Alice. I think in part I like her because she's so weird yet true to herself. I do hope that character has a better year. Well that's it from me today. As I struggle with grieving and loss and also wrap myself in excitement & joy I'm so very grateful for the 12 steps in my life. I don't have to do anything but my best today & be in each moment as it comes. I'm so grateful to 12 step programs that have helped me learn to be true to my soul. Peace!

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Oh Shit!

I'm PMSing. And it's the bad kind. In my dreams I was screaming even. So needless to say the theme of the day is calm. I didn't feel calm upon going to sleep nor did I feel calm when I woke up after 12pm today. Worse is my sponsor is unreachable and there has been some conflict with someone I'm close to lately. So.....the answer lies in doing that which I know works. To love myself, my joy, my pain, my face, bones, strength and past. And remember who I am. And in doing so the calm just seeps in. Even when my mail-in pharmacy loses my asthma medication and I have to pay for it again. Even when I feel like whining because my head is still a bit stuffy. Even when my heart hurts.

So I have a date tonight. Quite frankly with my mood as it was around noon today I almost felt like cancelling. But I'll be alright. I just have to remember to be myself & be in the moment. The woman & I have already been hanging out lately anyway, it's just now we've been able to acknowledge that yes there is an attraction and yes maybe it now can be more than just hanging out. I was talking with someone who's known her for years about her today & they referred to her as "the most caring person I've ever met." It makes me wonder just how caring I am towards others. The old alcoholic selfishness rears it's ugly head at times. Lately I've been told I'm the "best housemate ever" and ""our most reliable sub" and even a co-worker yesterday said "you're just a lot more grounded then you used to be." So I know I'm better than I used to be. And I know more than ever I'm becoming the woman I want to be.

Yes folks life is a never ending adventure. And with that I'm off to relax, stay calm & hopefully download a couple songs. Peace!

Friday, January 05, 2007

Update: Newt!

Newt is coming! Newt Gingrich is wanting us to vote for him. For president? Well maybe. Check out this CNN Money article. God help us! He even has a DraftNewt website. Uggh. *Sigh*

Bloggies & Such!

Hey sexy people-

It's time to vote for your favorite blogs. That's right! Go to http://2007.bloggies.com/ and vote damnit! And if you wish to vote for moi as yer favorite GLBT blog....well I won't stop you!

Also if you love, love, love Racialicious as I do please vote for that blog under the Best-Kept Secret Weblog category. I personally want to vote in the *best blog ever* catagory but there isn't one so there you go.

Tomorrow I see the movie Children of Men with the ever handsome Clive Owen. Even though I'm hella gay, I'd do him fo' sho'! That's it for now. Peace!

Thursday, January 04, 2007

The Facing Race Conference

That's right y'all I'm gonna try and get my butt to this & hey why don't you join me?! Here's the scoop:

From The Applied Research Center's Facing Race Conference pages:

The goals of the conference are to: (1) foster increased public awareness and discussion of the racial impacts of public policy; (2) explore models, strategies and opportunities for advancing racially equitable policies; and, (3) build new connections for advancing equitable policy initiatives in the U.S.

Here are just a few of the workshops that will be there:
  • Race & National Security
  • Affordable Housing for Whom?
  • Rebuilding the Gulf Coast
  • Structural Racism 101
  • Multi-Racial Organizing
  • Voices That Need To Be Heard: Criminal Justice and, Race and Society

And yes, much more. To register and get more info. click here.

Now here's your superficial fashion question of the day:

Are skinny jeans over? Let me know?

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Okay. Fine! Here are some New Years Resolutions, Thank to Reading Mark Morfords Article

Before I get to the Resolutions I have to link y'all up to this post at Rachel's Tavern. It's Rachel's summary of racial trends in 2006. Very interesting and true!

Also For those who may wish to know my cold is better but still not great. Sara made a suggestion about vinegar, honey & warm water & I'm trying to figure out if it has to be cider vinegar or if I can use regular vinegar. She's on her way to London, but if she or anyone else knows, please give me a heads up!

When my housemate come home from visiting a mutual friend of ours, she brought back nasal spray. The deal is a person can only use it 3 days in a row & then must stop. So for now in the moment I can breathe through my nose. And our mutual friend sent with my roomie a bag full of medicinal treats such as throat drops, Emergen-C's and shower vapor tablets, just for me! I'm so grateful for friends.

Okay so here are the resolutions. After reading Mark Morford's article today I realized I need to be a little less lazy & make a few formal ones.

  1. Floss every damn day. I hate to admit I'm lazy about that one. But my family is prone to gum disease & besides flossing is good for me & makes me sexy. My therapist told me to say to myself when faced with flossing "I want to change." And I do. More & more I see that finally I'm becoming the woman I want to be. And well, the woman I want to be flosses.
  2. No getting into committed relationships until 6 months of dating. I can date but not be a girlfriend for at least 6 months of hanging out.
  3. I will Q-TIP when I feel like I'm being judged by others. Q-TIP stands for QUIT-TAKING-IT-PERSONALLY.
  4. Digest less caffeine, wheat, sugar and meat.
  5. Okay this resolution is a combo based on my Rob Brezney horoscope & something Mark Morford wrote in his column today. Here's the horoscope: "If 2006 sometimes felt like the Year of Perpetual PMS (even for you men), 2007 will quickly make you forget any bloated, edgy feelings that may still linger. The coming months may in fact feel like the Year of Perpetual Ovulation (even for you men). I bet you'll often feel horny not just for sexual adventures, but for other kinds of intimate exchanges that make you smarter and wilder." And the Mark Morford wrote "Maybe it's less about resolving to, say, breathe more deeply and remember everyone's name and lose five pounds and eat more organic greens and worship the texture of your own skin and never, ever orgasm without taking that feeling deep into your bones (exceptional resolutions, all, just not the only ones) and more about, say, resolving to use a slightly different yardstick by which you measure happiness and progress. You think?"

So with those words in mind my final resolution is to find or be in happiness where ever I'm at, in all the little, exciting, fun ways that exist. One of my problems in life used to be not enjoying the moment. I do it now, but now I want to let myself be energized by any given moment. To swallow it, thrust upon it & hug it knowing that if I let go I'll be more than alright. I'll be more joy-filled & hopeful & sincere & graceful.

With that I wish you all much love & happy thrusting upon life's glorious thigh!

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Sick/The Dog Whisperer/Mpls Recap

I'm feeking sick gol gosh darnit! Am home using up most likely my last sick day from work. Ear nose & throat still. Called my doc & am waiting to hear back. Man I hate being under the weather. Makes things feel bigger than they are sometimes. For now I'm dosing up on vitamins & such & teas & praying the doc will have a miracle cure for me.

So my housemate Sarah is going to be out-o-town soon for a bit. While she's gone I'm going to work on training Lily using Cesar Milan's techniques. Lily is awesome but she thinks she rules the house. And the problem is that my housemate & I are the ones who truly need to change our energy & behavior. Sarah acknowledged that she may be the one who needs the most training when she gets back.

Well my trip to Minneapolis was great! Spending time with Heather my close friend for almost 20 years was wonderful! We both have done a lot of work in our lives & it was so nice to discuss our lives in a language we both speak. My best times in Minnesota were with her & my grandma. I also enjoyed seeing my uncle Rog & his wife & a bunch of their peeps on x-mas day. So the day I asked for prayers, the 28th was interesting to say the least. On our way from downtown to SE Minneapolis we got into a car accident. No joke! It was not my mom's fault thank goodness but it was a crappy way to start off her birthday. The guy who hit us had a big Ford F1500 truck with a big ass grill on it so his vehicle had very little damage. Mom's car got hit on the back side & needs almost $2000 bucks worth of work done.

Mom & I tried to make the best of things by heading to our appointments at the spa but we both were shaken up. I had to take care of myself later that evening & stay at Heather's parents house which is a block & a hlaf from my mom's & rest. The next day I went to lunch at White Castle (a place I never ate at when I lived in Mpls & now everytime I'm in Mpls I have to have it) and then met my mom at a coffee house and took off for the airport. All in all the trip was great. I really used my strength & boundaries to stay sane and it worked in everyone's favor. Hell's bells!

Well that's it. Peace!

Monday, January 01, 2007

You Know You're Sick When You Feel Dizzy After Taking a Piss!

Seriously! I'm back home safe & somewhat sound from Minnesota. Had a lovely time, which I'll detail when I'm feeling better. For now though it is New Years Day & I had to go home early because I feel like crap. I suspect I have a sinus infection. Friends tell me to put various things up my nose to help the condition such as saline and Afrin. I have pretty much slept the whole time I've been home except for work & such yesterday. Was in bed by 10:30pm & asleep right after midnight. New Years Eve. was mellow & I'm okay with that!

Anyway I'm off to take a nap now. There are so many new items and such to comment on but I'm too out of it to think. I wish you all a happy & healthful 2007!

My friend let me borrow her hat to keep my head & ears warm. This was me leaving work today feeling cute in the hat but sick in the rest of me. Peace!