Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The Smell of Money

Bakelite. If you rub on it this smell of formaldehyde gently emits from it. What is that subtle toxic smell. It's the smell of money & I love it. Granted I'm not a materialistic person. I'm a loyalist, pacifist, sensualist among other things, but not a capitalist or anything like it. However bakelite is the most grand thing known to the world of plastics. It won't melt no matter what. It's also some of the coolest & most expensive playful jewellery you can buy. Bakelite became very popular in the 30's & beyond. Now vintage bakelite is becoming harder to get therefore more popular again. An inexpensive bakelite bracelet will cost about $100. To be sure you have the real thing a good idea is to rub on the plastic until a weird chemical smell comes to your nose. Once you've smelled real bakelite, you'll always love that putrid smell.

When I first discovered the song Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos by Public Enemy, it was the first time I knew without a doubt I had a home in the music of rap. This song blew my away. I had never heard Black people in music assert themselves in a no-nonsense political way. Not only that but the beat was jammin'. PE's album It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hols Us Back gave me my first sense of belonging to a struggle that was ours alone. That we as a black people had the duty to stand up for our rights regardless of how much it scared white folks. That album inspired my protest & my self esteem as a person of color. I'm grateful to PE! Here are the lyrics to Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos. Enjoy!
Black Steel In The Hour Of Chaos

I got a letter from the government
The other day
I opened and read it
It said they were suckers
They wanted me for their army or whatever
Picture me given' a damn - I said never
Here is a land that never gave a damn
About a brother like me and myself
Because they never did
I wasn't wit' it, but just that very minute...
It occured to me
The suckers had authority
Cold sweatin' as I dwell in my cell
How long has it been?
They got me sittin' in the state pen
I gotta get out - but that thought was thought before
I contemplated a plan on the cell floor
I'm not a fugitive on the run
But a brother like me begun - to be another one
Public enemy servin' time - they drew the line y'all
To criticize me some crime - never the less
They could not understand that I'm a Black man
And I could never be a veteran
On the strength, the situation's unreal
I got a raw deal, so I'm goin' for the steel

They got me rottin' in the time that I'm servin'
Tellin' you what happened the same time they're throwin'
4 of us packed in a cell like slaves - oh well
The same motherfucker got us livin' is his hell
You have to realize - what its a form of slavery
Organized under a swarm of devils
Straight up - word'em up on the level
The reasons are several, most of them federal
Here is my plan anyway and I say
I got gusto, but only some I can trust - yo
Some do a bid from 1 to 10
And I never did, and plus I never been
I'm on a tier where no tears should ever fall
Cell block and locked - I never clock it y'all
'Cause time and time again time
They got me servin' to those and to them
I'm not a citizen
But ever when I catch a C-O
Sleepin' on the job - my plan is on go-ahead
On the strength, I'ma tell you the deal
I got nothin' to lose
'Cause I'm goin' for the steel

You know I caught a C-O
Fallin' asleep on death row
I grabbed his gun - then he did what I said so
And everyman's got served
Along with the time they served
Decency was deserved
To understand my demands
I gave a warnin' - I wanted the governor, y'all
And plus the warden to know
That I was innocent -
Because I'm militant
Posing a threat, you bet it's fuckin' up the government
My plan said I had to get out and break north
Just like with Oliver's neck
I had to get off - my boys had the feds in check
They couldn't do nuthin'
We had a force to instigate a prison riot
This is what it takes for peace
So I just took the piece
Black for Black inside time to cut the leash
Freedom to get out - to the ghetto - no sell out
6 C-Os we got we ought to put their head out
But I'll give 'em a chance, cause I'm civilized
As for the rest of the world, they can't realize
A cell is hell - I'm a rebel so I rebel
Between bars, got me thinkin' like an animal
Got a woman C-O to call me a copter
She tried to get away, and I popped her
Twice, right
Now who wanna get nice?
I had 6 C-Os, now it's 5 to go
And I'm serious - call me delirious
But I'm still a captive
I gotta rap this
Time to break as time grows intense
I got the steel in my right hand
Now I'm lookin' for the fence

I ventured into the courtyard
Followed by 52 brothers
Bruised, battered, and scarred but hard
Goin' out with a bang
Ready to bang out
But power from the sky
And from the tower shots rang out
A high number of dose - yes
And some came close
Figure I trigger my steel
Stand and hold my post
This is what I mean - an anti-nigger machine
If I come out alive and then they won't - come clean
And then I threw up my steel bullets - flew up
Blew up, who shot...
What, who, the bazooka was who
And to my rescue, it was the S1Ws
Secured my getaway, so I just gotaway
The joint broke, from the black smoke
Then they saw it was rougher thatn the average bluffer
'Cause the steel was black, the attitude exact
Now the chase is on tellin' you to c'mon
53 brothers on the run, and we are gone

Monday, January 30, 2006

The Unoffical Start of Black History Month

What's this? Black people month doesn't start until February 1st. Well since February is the shortest month I'm hereby changing it to starting today January 30th.
I'm a pacifist. The book "Negros with Guns" however was a delightful & powerful experience to read. I realized that in that time & place, when our people we getting murdered for breathing that sitting back & trying to take a non-violent approach was not always effective. What was most moving in this book was that all black folks had to do was show their guns. Not even having to fire them was enough to save lives. I was reading this on the steps at the public library downtown & this older white guy comes up to me and says "you shouldn't be readin' that girl". I just had to laugh.

Countee Cullen was a queen poet. Oh & he was a negro too. His poetry saved my life in sophomore year in high school. He talked about being black & gay & an artist and it was the first time through poetry I knew I'd make it through this life as queer woman of color.

Etta James has one of the most power-filled voices I've ever heard. She had the strength to recover from her demons & continue singing.

Some of you may not know this, but I'm Black. Also known as a Negro, Afro-American, African American & only in concern to my fellow Blacks or angry rednecks a nigger. Truthfully I identify as a child of the great Spirit first & foremost. Then a sober alcoholic. Then all those other labels that I loathe. But ethnically I'm 25% Black. I'm also 25% French as well as 25% Bohemian. Then there's some other stuff. However the one drop rule seemingly still applies to my racial identity even in 2006. When many ask about my background & I actually tell them (I usually make them pay a fee. Please visit the rent-a-negro link on this blog for more info) folks will then always refer to me as Black. Not one person has refered to me as French or Bohemian. Even "well meaning liberal" folks do this. And truly I no longer mind as much. Seems like putting folks in comfortable little boxes is just human nature, so personally why stress???? But & it's a big but (& yes I do have a big butt, but that's from my bohemian granny thank you very much!) it's a symbol of racism's ugly head rearing itself.

As a people we continue to be emersed in racist ideaolgy. Yet even the "I have a black friend" set doesn't always wish to see this reality & participate in changing it for themselves & the world at large. When I've confronted "friends" on this very topic of labeling me by race, each one has balked. "I'm NOT a racist" they proclaim. So when I say "okay well then let's explore white privilage, how you automatically have more rank then others based on a set of privilages that come with your skin color" they say "oh well I don't think that's true, look at Colin Powell". That's when I have to pray to the Powers that be to show tolerance of love. I used to get quite annoyed/suicidal over the racism I experience. Now it's better. I've learned to walk away when it's right & confront when it's right. But I know this, I'm go grateful God made me my color. It's beautiful. I'm in a perfect position to be of maximum service to many more folks then I could dream. I no longer have to hide behind a mask of "white-likeness" to be loved. Because I have true friends & true faith that as long as I work to create equality & love in this world, I shall never have to fear my reflection.

Saturday, January 28, 2006


I went to make out (not really it's just a term I use to say cuddle & smooch upon. Kinda like when folks in Memphis say "fuck with me" which means do business with me, not mess with me!) with my roomies Greyhound Max & he smelled like boo boo. Thus there was no making out. Why do doggies get so funky? Like when they roll in their own doo doo. Heh he... doo doo, boo boo. Umm anyway! Why do they do that though? don't they know they stink. I guess rolling in poo to dogs is the equivalent to essential oils to us (but NOT patchouli cuz that shit is NASTY!)

Anyway it's the year of the dog.

I've never been much into chinese astrology because I'm a western astrologer. Chinese astrology seems too simple for my complicated self (ha ha). Yet I identify with the charistics of my chinese sign the tiger. Grrrrr! And I'm compatible with dogs, the chinses sign & the pets both. So in honor of the dog I'm posting pics of my favorite doggie friend Rennie. She's my canine niece & a sweet but annoying (to her mama sometimes) soul. But first more about the sign of the dog.

Dogs can be a bit overwhelming, due in part to their attentive natures. They can march in and take control of a situation, even when it doesn’t involve them directly. This can lead people to think Dogs are nosy or gossipy, but in reality, he just means well. Money and status don’t matter to the Dog. He is more concerned with the welfare of his family and friends and will do whatever it takes to help them out of a tight squeeze or a rough spot. Once Dogs determine a subject of interest, they usually master that before taking off for a new adventure. They like to finish what they start. They are honest and trustworthy people, ethically strong and morally kept. They make loyal friends and companions.
So here's Rennie's 1st bath!

Here's me & Rennie at Lindsey's chillin'.

And Rennie's mama Lindsey & me! And no were NOT stoned or on crack!

Feel free to visit Rennie's mom's blog http://www.rathnait.net/blog/

So I have just a few personal tidbits to share. Today I'm working at the shelter. A 22 hour shift infact. 11 hours into it I'm already exhausted but so grateful! Actually I think that's all I have to say tonight. Here's the little meaning/prayer/greeting of Namaste (pronounced Nam-a-Stay).

I honor the place in you
in which the entire Universe dwells,

I honor the place in you
which is of Love, of Truth, of Light and of Peace,

When you are in that place in you,
and I am in that place in me,
we are One.


Friday, January 27, 2006

Finally I Deal With It!

First off I have to say happy birthday to Mozart! How I love his music & am thankful to the powers that be for his existance.

So yesterday I spent several hours sorting out my financial world. After putting it off fot months... okay years really, I called eveyone I owe money to(all medical shit btw as I don't do credit cards). It was painful & responsible all at the same time. The next 3-4 months are going to be very tight. So this blog will also be witness to my poorness, but alas once it's all paid off I'll be freeier & happier. When I woke up I realized financially I didn't have much to offer to a partner. I wish to be an equal, not a charity. So I feel better, though I had to borrow money from my mama. Thank goodness she has a job that pays well finally. Since in my life time I've only asked one other time for money & that sum was less than $100, I don't feel so bad. Just a little immature. Ah well as they say the 30's are the new 20's. Here's a pic of my granny, mama, me & auntie. I love those wacky bitches!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Chanel No. 5

Isn't it funny how a scent can change from person to person? One person can wear a fragerance & it smells divine. Another wears the same thing it it's damn near toxic. My grandma who I love with all my heart wears Chanel no. 5 and I really don't care for it. I had a customer today that had it on & she smelled delicious.

On Sunday I wrote my last blog entry at my space account. I'll probably still check in on my other myspace friends lives, but won't post anything there for the next 6 months is ever again. After I completed my final post I felt a bit sad. Sad yet ready for the next experience in letting others in on my journeys. Anyway I got to work & sat at the desk I usually sit at on Sundays. We don't have cubicles or designated terminals in workspaces. For the most part though this particular spot I always sit at on Sundays. As I sat in the chair I noticed on the desk the backside of what I could only assume was a tarot or some kind of oracle card. I had tredidation in turning it over, fearing that if it said satan or evil on it it would be a signal that less then good things were on their way.

Turning it over I felt the kind of relief only the superstitious have. When I looked at the front of the card I knew it was a signal or a sign that I was indeed on the right path. That the last myspace entry was meant to be & that taking this long overdo break from chasing love & affection was the best thing for me (& everyone else for that matter!). The picture on the card was touched my heart. It has 3 women who look like goddesses, with hair adorned with flowers, dancing in the rain. They're arms appear to be flailing about with joy and there are sun breaks coming through the gray background. When I saw the word at the bottom of the card there was a sense that the divine is all around me, if I just stay open to it. What did the card say? It said in all caps...


Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Love's Journey

Gone is Mixing for Trouble. It seems now is a good time to make various changes including creating a new blog. This blog is my open journal, to be viewed & shared by those who wish to be a part of it. This blog here will be an e-record of the changes & such on my journey toward love.

Truthfully I have struggled all my life to know myself & be loved. Finally I have chosen a time when some of the more critical issues of my life are not so threatening to my life. But I'm not off the hook entirely due to the fact that I'm a recovering drunk & when I'm not taking the utmost care of my peace of mind, then this mind of mine turns to the solution of alcohol(ha ha get it!).

So the first thing on my mind is what it means to be conscious. Why is it important to be conscious? How is it beneficial to the self & others? Hellen Keller wrote, "When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." This to me reminds me to be in acceptance of every situation & to remain hope-filled & aware. Meaning to be conscious all the time is to be in contact with love & joy. Why do we as humans fear being conscious? I'm sending an e-mail to some friends on what being conscious is for them. I'll post their responses anonymously in this blog & encourage loving humans to comment too.

Thank you for reading & be well!
Here's a pic of my favorite little guy & moi!