Wednesday, October 31, 2007


I'll start with the sad. I'm missing my girl. She's currently on her was to Idaho for her grandfathers funeral. We have never been apart longer than a day for at least the last 6 months. I'm lucky really. To find & be with someone I enjoy spending so much time with. My mind tells me to be grateful that I miss her rather than happy I have some time to myself. I don't know what the heck has happened to me. Before her I always needed my space, my time. I had loneliness but enjoyed being alone a heck of a lot too. Now all I feel inside in the moment is longing. A sadness. I miss her even though we awoke together this morning. What a sap!

So anyway it's also Halloween today, obviously. Samhain. Many believe that every year this is the time when the veil between the living & the dead is at it's thinnest. Perhaps this is why I feel so moody today as well. This morning while I prayed I asked the spirits to watch over those I love who have passed. My own grandfather, Aunt Hetty, Aunt Monica, Uncle Frank, Christine, Mike, Francois & Laura. I miss & love them all.

I'm excited to hand out candy tonight and the house is decorated with small pumpkins, a large scary faced pumpkin, yellow plastic caution tape and a handmade Frankenstein face. It should be a fun night watching CBS mysteries and eating sugar.

So here are a few pics. One I took yesterday on my walk with my new camera phone. And me in costume today. I'm calling my character Agnes. Don't ask why. Also one of my wonderful cat Bebes with the Frankenstein face.


Monday, October 29, 2007

Oh Baby!

Have you ever craved something that wasn't food but you knew would satiate you to the deepest of your flesh & bones? It felt nourishing like food and desired as if you may starve somehow without it?

What I'm trying to say is my clock is ticking!

The urge to have a baby seems to get stronger each day. Either biologically or adopting, my body & heart are whispering "it's tiiiiiiiiiimeeeeee" like some old man howling from behind me at supper time.

We're not ready yet. Obviously. We're just getting ready to be grown-ups about our finances. Plus my beloved and I need some time to be together & continue to build our strong foundation. We know the best thing for our (hopefully) future children is to be able to provide a stable and healthy home for them and that right now is not yet the time. So we're planning and gathering and thinking and exploring and in general just plum getting ready for our family.

There is of course the little voice in my head that asks "what if you are a terrible mother?"

"What if you fuck up your kids?"
"What if you do it all wrong and they hate you?"

"What if you do what your parents did?"


In my heart I've been a mother since I was 10 years old. In my head I've talked to them, prayed for them & even scolded them all in preparation for when they physically arrive. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a mommy type & believes I'll be a good mom. Yet the ol' fear creeps in sometimes asking me to not do the things I know I can do. Actually that's not fear. It's doubt. And I'm tired of doubting the beautiful gifts Spirit has given me. The fears that come up with this and any other topic for me is good. They are guide posts. The fears are friends that make me decide over and over again to believe & grow. learn and change and become the woman, mother, partner HP wants me to me.

So for now I'm left with that deep yearning for a child. And the deep knowing that I can be a good mom.


Sunday, October 28, 2007

A Death in the Family

My partner's grandpa died yesterday. Obviously this is a rough time.

I must confess that my skills as a partner on this are sucking right now. I don't know how to do this. How to be there for her in a situation like this because it's very new to me.
So we got fancy chocolate cupcakes today & that was a start. And I found this pic.


I wanted to turn y'all on to a great blog I was told about recently. It's What About Our Daughters and it's basically about stopping the negative images of Black women in the media. It's worth a look.

Also check out Newspaper Rock. A blog about Native Americans in pop culture.

Peace y'all!


Wednesday, October 24, 2007

NaBloPoMo is Almost Here! So What the *&%#^! is NaBloPoMo Anyway?

Oh my gosh. I've been trying to figure out if NaBloPoMo was going to happen this year & it is! I completed the challenge & was hoping to do it again! So just what is it you ask? NaBloPoMo is National Blog Posting Month. It looks like from here out it will be every year in the month of November. There are prizes involved but to me that's not really the point. The point is to explore new topics, fine tune writing skills & best yet, discover new & awesome blogs. And this year It's even eaiser to connect to other folks by creating groups. I started a group today for queer women bloggers. If you are a queer lady/not lady but identify as female & of color please join me. I'd LOVE to see a bunch of us & see your blogs & hopefully build some online community that will benefit us all offline.

I love this years badge! Since my member pic is me with my extra special luv luv Bebes I thought this was only too perfect. Get it peeerfect! Ah hahahahahah!

Umm anyway so I here & now commit to 30 days of posts in November. My good pal who rocks her own blog at Behind Blue Eyes is going to tackle health stuff as a focus sometimes. I really dig her choice on that one. So taking inspiration from her I'm going to try & focus on the following subjects that I'll be lucky to even do more that one post on (because I talk about myself too damn much!).
  • Money Management
  • The Presidential election & what it means for us queer folks
  • Domestic Partnerships and why they are not enough

I'm having the darndest time configuring this badge on my sidebar. I can't seem to link it back to very well, so if anyone has a thought please let me know. Well I hope to discover some great blogs! Until then I need to get my ass home. Peace!


Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Time to Put Away Childish Things

I have no clue where in the Bible that verse comes from, but despite my not-so-into-the-bible leanings, I'm really taking those words to heart right now. At almost 33 it's time to grow the feek up. Okay I have the job I've been at for over seven years and that's great. It show's I'm capable of some stability. I'm coming up on 2 years completly sober. Awesome! Have finally become a decent spouse in a healthy loving relationship with someone amazing.

But the deal is it's time to get it together financially. I've been in a 12 step program that deals with money & have not made the progress I'd hoped. It's not the program (though I'm having resentments) I'm sure. But at this point it's not moving fast enough. I'm still having difficulties & can't really get anyone on their game to sit & help me. So I've taken matters into my own hands & have been doing some deep research.

My good pal Zee is participating in the Dave Ramsey Money Makeover program. After seeing her actually utilizing some of the tools at dinner on night I got to thinking. But the problem is this Dave dude is a fundamentalist christian & I don't want this guy to have even one of my pennies. So I enrolled in a free 30 day gift subscription (which I had to dig for because the frontpage only offers a 7 day free trial). Here's that link! So I'm gonna get every damn thing I can out of it & then utilize some of the free online budget programs out there.

So here I go on my way to financial maturity.

Sunday, October 21, 2007


Well if any of my wonderful readers have noticed I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm back from yet another cold but this one turned ugly and landed in my lungs. Bad for me as I have asthma & not being able to breathe well is well...uncomfortable. I woke up Wednesday morning to standing in the kitchen after feeding the dogs only to realize I was wheezing and my lungs felt tight & in pain. Off to urgent care my partner & I went where I was prescribed the oh-so-tasty Prednisone but didn't have to go through the Nebulizer treatment which tends to leave me terribly achy muscles for a week after.

What kept me from having to take the Nebulizer was something I learned in Asthma camp (don't you laugh!) when I was 11 years old. I drank some hot coffee and by the time I got to the doctor I still had some wheezing but could actually breathe. So kids remember if your having the onset of an asthma attack take your inhaler and drink some strong ass hot coffee!

Anywho I'm too busy today to wax philosophical on much of anything including Reparations, Marriage Equality & of course Britney Spears. So instead I present pics of our oh-so-hammy chihuahuas Lucy & Sydney. These girls have stolen my heart & despite the fact that they still pee on the floor sometimes (they have tiny 12 year old bladders) they make life full & warm.

A tender and maternal moment between my partner & Lucifer. Yes that's Lucy's real name. If you knew this dog you'd understand. But seriously as demanding and totally Aries like this chi-chi is she is also a lovey dovey pooch that always makes you feel better when your sad. Or just screams at you until you snap out of it!

Two hams making funny faces at the camera phone. What happened to posing? Who cares as long we get attention!
Sydney! The far sweeter of the sisters, Syd has a heart of pink gooey marshmallow. Seriously she will just follow us around & lick, lick, lick the carpet. I swear she was a totally lesbo in a former life. But really I hate to play favorites, so I won't except to say that Syd rocks my world! She's sweet, protective & very intrepid. Her only downfall is a faulty bladder that leaks onto out carper a couple times a week. You could take this dog out on the hour every hour (and we do) and she'll still eventually piss on the floor. Oh well you can't be perfect.
Well that's enough from me. The dogs & I wish y'all a happy week!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Inspiration & Striving for Equality

I found the below passage to be an inspiration. It reminded me of my own dealings with oppression.

It's been interesting seeing some people's reaction to the Panhandling for Reparations coverage. I know there are many who read the article & felt inspired, happy & simply acknowledged. Others I knew would view the performances in a totally different way. Though I was unprepared for the nation wide coverage I was also unprepared for the backlash of racism toward Black folks that was spewed from Internet comments.

Writing things like "they're just gonna use the money for 40's" or "they already have reparations. It's called welfare" was at best troubling. To sum up our whole intentions and performances in such a way is obviously disappointing. But I remain grateful that conversations are taking place that were meaningful to many people. I believe in that & will keep on doing the work that needs to be done for all minorities in the United States to have true equality.

"At first I was passive, let one man saddle me and ride for a while. He laughed at the illusion of my weakness. But I suddenly rose up and bucked him off and broke his arm. Another man tried to ride me, but I threw him and so many others, until I was lathered in sweat and blood from their spurs and rifle butts. It was glorious. Finally they gave up, quit, and led me to the back of the train. They could not break me. Some wanted to kill me for my arrogance, but others respected my anger, my refusal to admit defeat. I lived that day, even escaped Colonel Wright, and galloped into other histories."
-From the story "The Trial of Thomas Builds-The-Fire" by Sherman Alexie

Peace y'all!

Friday, October 12, 2007

Panhandling for Reparations Day Went Great! (a non-recap)

My words are insufficient for how amazing & meaningful an experience this has been. The fact that the story was front page of the Oregonian late edition & has gone to the Associated Press is more than I ever dreamed. Sadly I don't have time to recap today as I have a pap smear to go get & won't be near a computer until Sunday. Until then simply Google my name if you know it & the words reparations. Jeezus!


Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Reparations Day is Tomorrow! Are You Ready?

I almost am. I've got the sign made, made work schedule arrangements, have allies set up, an interview set up & such. Only I have one small problem. I need a can or something good of some sort that I can collect change in. I'm thinking of using my coffee mug that says "Touch your own hair." Anyway short of that I'm ready, even, finally- mentally.

I'll be in NE Portland between 10am & 2pm near Lloyd Center. We'll see what happens as I try to be a part of opening up this important issue for all Americans and the world.

Please check out my post at the National Reparations blog. In the meantime tomorrow please look for folks in your own cities & support them in their performances. A smile may go a long way for those who are not as brazen as they may seem (like myself!).

Please visit the Reparations Day website and the Reparations Day blog for more on this Nation wide event!

from my August 8th post:

"As we all know slavery sucked. And the effects of such soul crushing devastation still haunt the United States today. Reparations is basically an apology from those who have benefited from such a hideous institution in the form of money. Who has benefited from slavery? All white people. Yes even you, your mama, daddy & so on."
Special thanks to Jack Stephens for noticing this blog and that quote at The Blog & The Bullet


Monday, October 08, 2007

The United States Constitution Article 4, Section 2

The very first sentence reads:

The Citizens of each State shall be entitled to all Privileges and Immunities of Citizens in the several States.

I remember this when I think about marriage equality. I don't want special rights & privileges I want equality!


The above message was provided by a citizen of the United States of America

Friday, October 05, 2007

Captian Kirk Wishes You a BIG Happy Friday

My beloved & I have been watching old school episodes of Star Trek. I've never been into to sci-fi & now it seems I'm turning into a Trekkie. Seriously I love OG Star Trek more than CSI & so that is a big deal.

What I love about old Star Trek is how campy it is yet so ahead of it's time. Plus there's usually a mystery or action or drama or all of the above in every episode. And Captian Kirk... awww geez he's so manly. And oddly enough I like it. And Mr. Spock is the coolest cat in space. My partner & I have decided that I'm most like Dr. McCoy & she's (of course) most like James T. Kirk.

Anyway I also like that there were some political & spiritual pieces to the show that were really thought provoking. All in all I give the OG Star Trek a 10 out of 10.

Live long & prosper!

P.S. I took that pic w/ my camera phone from the TV. That's why it looks funny.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Oh Effing Great!

Well this weekend in Portland: From Infoshop News:

Portland, Oregon – The Hammerskin Nation, a neo-Nazi skinhead organization, aims to attract hundreds of hardcore racists to the group’s twentieth-anniversary
celebration, to be held October 5 – 7 of this year in the greater Portland area.

And guess what? These lovely folk are being encouraged to stay in hotels & with other racists in SE Portland where I live. Woo hoo! NOT!

What's funny is I've already had folks at work (all whites) warn me to "be careful" this weekend. I appreciate their concern but am I supposed to hide in my house all weekend because some whack-a-do's have a problem with my skin?

Back in the day I would have been frightened or angry. In fact for a long time I wouldn't step foot in my current neighborhood because I knew from reputation & experience that neo-nazi skinheads lived there. They all eventually went to Baja, CA supposedly & I have ceased to have any other run-in's with these extremists.

And it's not apathy that keeps me from being upset about their upcoming gathering here. It's just that I can't live in fear & anger anymore. I can't let some a-holes rule my life & lifestyle (ie. gliding around SE Portland with our 2 and a half pound dogs in their doggie stroller). Yes there may be risk this weekend in being hurt or even killed. As these folks promote violence. But I'm not going to run for cover or freak out. I'm just gonna keep on keeping on. Anything else would not feed my soul.

I think a revolutionary thing to do is be happy. And I'm happy & need not flaunt it nor hide it but simply believe in the love that made me & walk in this world knowing that all goes the way it does. Even the things I don't like. No I don't like these people coming to town. It's like the opposite of Santa. But I remain grateful that I can overcome my own moments of hate and fear & have faith others can too.