Monday, September 03, 2007

Triple Threat

It's official. I'm now a triple winner. What the F*#k am I talking about? I'm talking (or writing really) about recovery. I'm a member of three different recovery programs now. Sounds excessive to some I suppose but I'm okay with it & not over doing any of these programs. And I've found that I need each one or I and everyone around me suffers. The one I've had to join most recently has become my life jacket. It's about money and debt & helps me with my problem (which is putting it lightly) with compulsive spending. My chronic & compulsive spending has brought more agony to my mind & heart that I can bare anymore. Photo courtesy of Photobucket.

Reflecting back I see now that since my youth my spending has been unhealthy & destructive. From stealing my mom's money out of her purse to sneak over to Arby's & buy ham & swiss sandwiches to finding my pockets empty & having to "borrow" from friends so I can buy whatever.
If I had only 20 cents I'd find a way to spend it. I just had to.

As I got older I used the people I was in romantic relationships with to get me the things I wanted/needed. They would take me to dinner or even buy my groceries. That way I could spend my money on the frivolous things I desired. Kinda like prostitution only I called it dating.

Facing the ugly ways my lack of responsibility has effected myself & others isn't easy. A part of me does with I was different. But regret won't change the behavior. Only action will & that's what at long last with HP's help is happening.

I can feel the tide turning inside me. The woman I want to be emerging!

Never really realized until now how much my compulsive spending has effected my life. It's deeper that I could see or feel. And every way I tried to fix & control it never worked. All my tears & turmoil, all my promises & guilt never changed & thing for longer that a few weeks, days or minutes. None of the other recovery groups I belonged to could really help. But now I've found a source of support, guidance & strength to show me another way to live not just within my means but to one day thrive!

But it's one day at a time. And my daily mantra is this: With God's help I spend wisely & conscientiously. And today I am.

1 comment:

Ktrion said...

Blessings, sister! It sounds like the program is really helping. I'm working on my fourth step in another fellowship. But sometimes I resist.