Wednesday, February 01, 2006


Last night my sponsor yet again showed me love. She called me on the carpet about being true to myself. Not covering up my sharings with humor & sparkles. She said she sees a sad little girl sometimes. She knows I am more & need to be that to myself. Celibacy right now is teaching me so many lessons I can hardly keep up. My inner growth feels like it's on a high speed connection. Since the desire to be with anyone sexually has been completly removed (I feel numb to others but not myself) I'm finally on the path to freedom & great love. And it hurts as growing pains do. The soil inside me is becoming nutrient rich with discovery & being present. I am like a flower. The pistals & petals. A giant & delicate symbol of Gods vulva.

The book I'm reading "Nobody Owns Me" is awakening my soul. To even begin to cover what's been going on since reading that book can't happen right now. The woman who wrote it was 41 & a nun. It's a journal of her sexual awakening in celibacy. Even though from the outside our world seem totally in opposition to each other, I understand this womans journey so deeply that I can hardly exist on this level. All my hurt & pain from the stuff with my mom needs to be worked through or I'll never be comfortable in a romantic relationship. This work is my soulwork. And my sponsor has me looking at my unmanagable romantic past so I can get a grasp of where my heart hasn't been & where it needs to be (for me).

This morning I listened to the song "State of Independence" by the Moodswings. It has some of MLK jr. I Have a Dream speech. It also is about love from God. Playing it was my cosmic signal to the universe saying "I will let you love me god. I will be in your home. My body is a part of my soul & I will only let it be touched with love & grace. I will love my independence and I will be in this home, your home, this body, your body." Anyway I need to put this out there to all that can feel it: Coretta, I love * miss you. Thank you for being the woman I and so many need! Okay here are a few of the lyrics.
Sounds like a signal from you
Bring me to meet your sound
And I will bring you to my heart

Love like a signal you call
Touching my body my soul
Bring to me, you to meet me here

Home be the temple of your heart
Home be the body of your love
Just like holy water to my lips

Yes I do know how I survive
(yes I do know) know why I'm alive
To love and be with you
Day by day by day by day

to be the sound of higher love today

Time, time again, it is said
We will hear, we will see
See it all-in his wisdom-hear
His truth will abound the land

This state of independence shall be
This state of independence shall be.

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