Thursday, November 16, 2006

Busy Yet Slow Day

This day has been good for the most part. I guess I just don't have that much to say. I miss Mary a lot and my jealousy (ever notice jealousy has the word lousy in it?) has reared its little demon head a lot since she left. It started when she mentioned something about a friend of hers thinking some chick was flirting with her on the ship. Boy you'd think someone stabbed me in the heart I was so upset. Everyone I'd talk to I'd complain there was some little hussy trying to move in on my girlfriend. Turns out this chick is straight & I'm just insecure.

Well now after reading her travel blog I see that she's surrounded by lesbians on this cruise & I'm freaking out on it. I knew of other women in the group she was with but on the ship they have lgbt socials & a group of the lesbians that travel about at the locations they visit and Mary is a part of it. *sigh*

Why I get so insecure is beyond me. Well that's not true. I think in part I know.

Years ago, in my 2nd year of sobriety from drinking I loved a man. He was 16 years older than me, a Scorpio and a therapist. We were together 2 years, living together the last year. We had moved in together with an intention of a long term partnership. Why else would folks who are shagging shack up? Anyway the day we were moving the trouble began. A painting he had painted while we were dating I had fallen in love with. I told him how much I loved it and wanted to have if someday. He'd say "it will come to you" everytime I saw it. On the day we moved, we were getting his stuff from his artists studio when I noticed a painting very similar to the one I was to receive. I asked why he made a 2nd one (which was not as good). He said he lost the other one. It made no sense. I asked how & he said he had rolled it up and put it in his car and it must have blew out or something. Realizing this he decided to make me a new one & hoped I wouldn't notice.

Notice I did & though I thought it was sweet he tried to fix that he lost it (which seriously is something he'd do. He was a nutty professor type) I was pained that he lost something I treasured so much. It was the beginning of the end that lasted an entire year. In the last 2 months we were on again and off again despite living together. We planned a holiday together despite the increasing chaos of confusion. He was going to Greece and we'd meet 2 weeks later in Paris and from there go to Spain. Tickets were purchased and I was excited to finally get out of the United States. A little over a week before the trip we had a couples counselling session and I knew we were done. I declared myself single though it was a very painful decision. I had to end it because hanging on would have meant losing myself to how he wanted me to be. With that I knew going to Europe on my own wasn't an option. I didn't have the time to plan a solo trip, nor the means. I canceled my ticket and got ready to say goodbye to a man I loved but could not live with.

Our last night together was so hard. We were still friends and loved each other. We still had chemistry. I watched as he packed, my mind reeling on how we were going to deal with living together after he got back. Not knowing who was staying or leaving we decided to deal with that upon his return. After he packed we made love for the last time. It was beautiful like our sex often was. We came together with the greatest of ease then wept in each others arms knowing this was goodbye. We wept the way one does when you can't go on, but you do all the same. The next day we kissed goodbye at the airport and I watched him walk away.

A week and a half later he calls me from Greece. He's on an island and it's beautiful he says. The waters are so blue/green you wouldn't believe it. The air mild yet full. And how would I feel about the fact that he's having sex with some other woman because he is. "Your free" I say to him. "But how do you feel?" he asks. I evade. He keeps asking over and over "how do you feel how do you feel?" until I explode in a rage I had never known. I tell him in a guttural growl "I'm angry!" and hang up. 16 years older than my 26 year old self asking how I feel. My heart broke all over again.

He calls to tell me he's in beautiful blue/green Greece and already screwing someone and wants to know how I feel. It was the cruelest thing anyone had done to me besides the abuse I went through as a kid.

He and I had a very intense sex life. I gave myself over to him completly. I lived out every crevice of my sexuality with him. So when he told me he was already sexual with another woman no less (he's queer and at the time I was more obsessed about gender), I knew he had the right, he was free. But I suddenly questioned the sacredness of our sex. I was blown away from the pain of opening up only to be, what felt like tossed easily aside.

I ran from that pain into the arms of another within a week. And ran and ran until my breakup last year. Years I ran away from the hurt. Slept with people who I thought would never make me feel unsafe again. People who would hold my sexuality and heart sacred. And with each person I ran further into a lost land of misplaced hope. It's a murkey place that appears to be pretty until you realize everything is muted in that soft focus.

My heart woke up after its very long and hazy nap. I saw life through the lense of freedom and dignity and truth. I changed my sober date, let go of having to be the prettiest, sexiest, smartest girl in the room. I became my own sweet self. And then I met Mary.

New to complete self acceptance all my shit has been stirred again. And having her far away in Greece is a trigger from hell. It's forcing me to look inside and be still and know that no matter what I'm love. That god/dess is within me and that god/dess is love and therefore I am love and will be alright. I stand at the precipice of my own love. And my memories are haunting me in very deep place. What will I do? Where will I go from her. Today I am a question mark waltzing down a country road.

I guess I had something to say after all. Good night & sleep tight y'all!

1 comment:

Sara said...

isn't it funny how some times we think we have nothing to say but once we start the time flies & words fall out on the paper (screen)