Friday, March 30, 2007

The Curse of PMS

Photo courtesy of unprofound.

Oh hey bois & grrls it's that time of the month & it's hitting hard this time. I feel like I'm in emotional quicksand and there is absolutely nothing wrong in my life. WTF? Today is all about patience & space cuz I just feel touchy/emotional. Last night my lady & I were having super great sex (as usual) and I had to stop & I didn't know why. And what was strange was that the weather in my head was fine. I felt okay. But my body was full of sadness and before I knew it I was crying really hard. Right in full view of this person I dig so much. I felt embarrassed as she wanted to know what was wrong & how to help & my body was just releasing this sadness that came from seemingly nowhere.

I mean I know there have been moments of fear around my relationship with her. Mainly because everything with her is so great. The "waiting for the other shoe to drop" syndrome. That she is awesome & she thinks I'm awesome & she really loves me as I can see it in her eyes & I love her & we have so much fun. And too boot we have a connection that is spiritual and massively hot. And there's no drama. None. All is just so lovely and so of course it freaked me out at one point & I had to get over that which I did. Last night was something else though.

It was that stuff that I worked through years ago that no longer haunts me so much. It was daddy & mama and love. It was making room for the unknown of loving someone deeply. Of opening up that place inside so we can care without expectations & ego. To nurture not to get a single thing back. To trust not just in a person, but more so in life itself. Yes I know logically that everything always works out. That if she & I were to not work out it would be meant to be & all that. But to know this in my body & heart is a bit different I'm learning. And being in the delicate emotional state of PMS doesn't make this deep knowing feel subtle but more like a raging outpouring of the still waters that run through the hardest places in me.

I won't fear love.

Anyway I'm so grateful for everything. And I pray that I can get through the rest of this PMS taking loving care of myself & being kind to those that cross my path.

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