Sunday, August 26, 2007

My Baby's a Top

Well it's been a little while since I've posted here. It's been a busy week & between a yeast infection & vaginal bleeding, some sleepless nights & an infected ingrown toenail I've just not had it in me to blog. Until today. As a special bonus to all you lovely QWOC fans I'm going to post on my favorite subject: sex. Here goes!

I'm not sure among regular vanilla sexual heterosexuals (vanilla means not too kinky sexually) if discussions of who's a top & who is a bottom comes up. With the dudes I've dated (yes indeed I've "known" some guys) this has never really come up. It's never been a key factor that was discussed before engaging in the relationship.

But in many queer relationship and among the kinky the "are you a top or bottom" question is very important. First though we must define what top & bottom means. You don't have to be into S/M to have a tendency toward one of these sexual roles. Some people who are tops simply & naturally enjoy being sometimes quite literally on top. Many a top is the more aggressive partner, meaning everything from initiating sex more to penetrating their partner, to being the "giver" to enjoying mild to severe physical demonstration upon their sexual partner including such things as light playful spanking to beating their partner with whips & such.

A top doesn't always have to be on top or the giver. Some tops can "demand" to be tied up or receive oral sex or be more subtle & somehow convey a sense of being in charge sexually with just their eyes and facial expressions.

A bottom is also a diverse expression of sexuality. A bottom can literally enjoy being on the bottom more. A bottom may enjoy receiving pleasure whereas a top gets off (sometimes literally) on giving pleasure. Also bottoms may enjoy simply giving up their power to their partner & being taken and having done to them whatever their top wants to do. Not all bottoms are that way though. Some enjoy making or getting their partner to spank them or punish them or ravage them (whew is it getting hot in here?) or discipline them or penetrate them. They may do this by being quietly naughty or even loud & demanding.

As the Fairy Butch says about these sexual roles it's about "the position you favor relative to sexual power."

Life is not as we all know simply black or white, good or bad. And in terms of sexuality there is more than just bottom or top. The old school terms for some one who could be both a bottom & top was switch. Nowadays most of us say versatile. I think most folks are generally able to switch power expression and roles as the energy dictates. It's up to the couple to negotiate & share through verbal and non-verbal communication where each person is in terms of their personal sexual expression. Sometimes in a couple where both partners are versatile and lets say both feel like being more aggressive, one may have to acquiesce for the moment & then get their turn later.

Like most folks my partner & I have a very diverse & exciting sexual expression. We don't have any kind of routine & like to "mix it up" on many levels. And while I'm defiantly versatile I tend more toward a bottom expression. I enjoy most being taken by my partner & having her in charge so to speak of our sexual act. This doesn't mean I'm not an active participant or have power. In fact it's a little known fact that the bottom is often really the one in charge because s/he is letting the other person do what their doing and without such permission nothing would take place. I'm passionate as a bottom & pull hair & push my partner to me, but I let her take her time & enjoy her demonstration of sexual power. I'm what one would call a versatile bottom because if I'm in a sexual situation where my partner is a bottom I'm able to be the top with no problem. Though for me such a scenario couldn't last on a long term basis but I do sometimes enjoy and even crave to be sexually dominant.

My partner is versatile to a degree. But calling her a versatile top might be a slight stretch. Yes she likes to receive & will have me physically on top of her, but there are things that I just can't top her with. That doesn't mean I can't show her new things or initiate sex. I do. But overall she always wants me to receive and enjoy the pleasure she gives. She often will physically pull me to her at the start of sex. And the most important part, she pays attention to what I like & where my energy is and knows intrinsically how to respond. And that makes my baby not only a top but a great one.

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