Sunday, April 02, 2006

Which Circle of Hell?

You know I'm so fawking sick of getting sick. This time a flu with a sinus & lung infection. This is three times totally sick since November. I don't know what to do. I'm feeling so frustrated. I quit drinking years ago. Quit smoking a while back. Take my vitamins, eat organic, exercize & work on my mental health too. And I've just been feeling mad lately. Mad about how bloddy awful people are. And I'm a people. Just totally frustrated with people not caring about other people. From sneezing on others to murdering people for sport. So I'm thinking this anger & my illness go hand in hand some how. It's like I wake up lately & there it is, my mind whirling with all the injustices of the world & I'm mentally trying to battle all of it by reason. I'm trying to reason with the air in my skull. And I catch myself doing this & practice deep breathing & my mind rests again. But as soon as I get up it's the swirl of the poopybrain again.

My brain had been so calm after C & I split up. Now I'm having a tough time relaxing & accepting again. I just fawking hate the ridiculousness of our humanity. So I have to talk to that little girl inside me. Tell her that yes sometimes life isn't fair. But that if we pause & breathe & look at nature & in our hearts, that in the end, it's all okay.

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