I'm Going Home

Home is subjective but what I mean is I'm going back to Minneapolis to see my family for X-mas. The flight is books, seats are picked and now I just need to mentally/physically/spiritually prepare for the trip. Never have I gone home in the winter. This will be the first and I have no idea if I'll be warm enough. Portland is so temperate and the only time I've been truly cold is when several years ago we had an ice storm & I waited two hours outside for the #8 bus. I don't have snow boots but I do have wool socks & such from my snowboarding days.

Mentally and spiritually there are some things I have to prepare for because I have family shit (I know it's shocking!). My ma & I have a wonderful relationship when we're physically far apart. Get us in the same room and it's less than stellar. I love her and have forgiven her for the many painful moments of our past. The problem is she's still struggling with and unaware of her actions and reactions. From her lack of understanding her white privilege to expecting others to behave exactly the way she wants, it can be difficult for me to deal with her in longer than 15 minute intervals. But for all that I care & feel great affection for her all the same. It is because despite the horrors of my upbringing she has always fiercely loved me. Not always in the ways I wanted & needed, but in the ways I didn't know I needed.

Mom nurtured the artist in me. She brought home endless supplies of paper and paint, drove me at all hours to play practice, always showed up at book fares, encouraged me in singing, film and self expression in general. Culture was so important than even though we were poor and could barely afford the basics she made sure to yearly renew our membership at the Minneapolis Art Museum so we could go to the openings and art house films that were hosted there. Every six weeks we would make the 45 minute drive to the library that had paintings patrons could check out, so that there would be new art on our walls. She supported me when I died my hair various shades of purple, bright red, blue and green (she didn't like the green because she said it didn't compliment my skin tone, which was true). I was free to create and express myself growing up. Free to dance, make jokes, read and protest my government. Mom was always supportive if not there with me.

Going to al-anon meetings has really helped over the years with dealing with mom and everyone else for that matter. So I'll beef up on meetings, meditate, pray and envision a great trip. I think it will be good. I'm most excited to see my grandma who turned 93 today! I love her with all my heart and I cannot wait to see her wrinkled soft face and tan hair. I have her beautiful black eyes and mischievous grin. She means the world to me.

Well enough family stuff, I have to get ready to volunteer and such. Though I don't celebrate Thanksgiving I do like turkey, gravy, stuffing and such and love to see friends and loved ones. Since I won't be with my family I'll be with my recovery friends. Here's a funny cartoon about thanksgiving. Peace y'all!