I Love. Post #1 for 1/8/07

Can it be that simple? The defining statement that sums up who I am & what I believe?

That I love. It's not about a particular person in a romantic way. Or familial duty or even how I feel about the President & the state of our world.

So much of my life has involved my self knowing to be defined by others. Had I grown up with people around me who knew themselves well, perhaps I too would of had a better grasp on Me. Whatever the reason, I sought out ideas about who I was based often on friends/lovers perceptions of my self rather than thinking and then finally understanding myself based upon my own intuition and logic.

"To thine own self be true" it says on the coins I receive that celebrate sobriety anniversaries. When I first started to receive them I had a difficult time knowing who the self the coin talked about was. Self be true-who's that! I knew how to morph into looking like the good girlfriend/lover/activist and such. I didn't know squat about being true to my own hopes and needs. I was afraid to say no. I was afraid period.

Now I know that how folks feel about who I am & what I do not only have little to do with me, but also is not my business. And this applies to my perceptions of others as well of course. I know now that what I hate in others directly reflects what I hate in myself. The same for what I like/enjoy. That my attitude holds the key. And willingness is the small hole that opens to the world.

All that being said I can say this regardless of what my family, friends,co-workers, ex-lovers, current lovers, bosses, government officials or anyone else thinks... I know who I am.

And here is the key defining word that describes not only who I am but what I want, need, live for, know and feel: love. That's it. That's all. No I certainly have not loved as well as I like liked. Especially my very own self. Addiction, despair and anger many times muted the shining of the love in my life. With those things lifted or lifting from my world I see know how beautiful the world inside me is. And all there can be from such revelations is gratitude. Like life I am great and small, good and bad, beautiful and ugly. But also like life, the greatest lessons are about love. How glad I am finally to just be in my rightful place. Just drops of water encased in flesh, trying to get back to the places I came from.