Monday, October 29, 2007

Oh Baby!

Have you ever craved something that wasn't food but you knew would satiate you to the deepest of your flesh & bones? It felt nourishing like food and desired as if you may starve somehow without it?

What I'm trying to say is my clock is ticking!

The urge to have a baby seems to get stronger each day. Either biologically or adopting, my body & heart are whispering "it's tiiiiiiiiiimeeeeee" like some old man howling from behind me at supper time.

We're not ready yet. Obviously. We're just getting ready to be grown-ups about our finances. Plus my beloved and I need some time to be together & continue to build our strong foundation. We know the best thing for our (hopefully) future children is to be able to provide a stable and healthy home for them and that right now is not yet the time. So we're planning and gathering and thinking and exploring and in general just plum getting ready for our family.

There is of course the little voice in my head that asks "what if you are a terrible mother?"

"What if you fuck up your kids?"
"What if you do it all wrong and they hate you?"

"What if you do what your parents did?"


In my heart I've been a mother since I was 10 years old. In my head I've talked to them, prayed for them & even scolded them all in preparation for when they physically arrive. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a mommy type & believes I'll be a good mom. Yet the ol' fear creeps in sometimes asking me to not do the things I know I can do. Actually that's not fear. It's doubt. And I'm tired of doubting the beautiful gifts Spirit has given me. The fears that come up with this and any other topic for me is good. They are guide posts. The fears are friends that make me decide over and over again to believe & grow. learn and change and become the woman, mother, partner HP wants me to me.

So for now I'm left with that deep yearning for a child. And the deep knowing that I can be a good mom.


1 comment:

Diane J Standiford said...

Regrets I have few; but I always wanted children. Go for it. It is a regret you don't want to have.