Not Again

I'm annoyed because I'm under the weather again! Fauk! I'm guessing the stress over learning of Laura's death & being super busy has not been so good on my body. Anyway I'm taking lots-o-zinc & tryin' to chill. Anyway that's all from me cuz I'm too tired to blog.

Peace out!

Cheer Up Francia!

My mama calls me Francia sometimes. I'm posting these pics from my camera phone. I was walking in NW PDX on me way to a meeting & took this tree pic. And the other pic is my cat Bebes's nether regions. Enjoy!

What the f#%k!

Just found out my friend overdosed. I loved her. Still do. I work at where I work because of her. She was my friend. What a valentines.

Masturbation Day is Coming!

It's May 7th. May is masturbation month & I'm having a party to celebrate. There will be no masturbating at at the party so were all clear. But we should all celebrate the best sex of our lives. Anyway I'm off to my dyke walk. Peace out

Cat Fur

Sometimes I like to pick up my cat & smell deeply into his fur. I love his scent! He smells clean & animalish all at the same time. Is it weird to smell into animals fur? Well whatever.

Reading about Gandhi. Always loved his politics. The place I've come to lately makes me feel a need to follow his examples. Not having things I don't need. Not wasting sexual energy. Causing no harm in anyway including the ways I think of people. Because I may hate someones behavior, but the person still is a child of the Universe. Everyone has something to teach. Hate has never made hate go away. Violence has never worked on a long term basis. That's why I hate so much what's happening in Palestine. People suffering from violence only to turn around and use violence in the name of "God's" property. It's their violence that saddens & repulses me. But my own violence, toward myself & others has been ugly. No I've never beaten anyone up or physically hurt anyone. But I've mentally cut myself & others to shreads with judgement & negativity. How does that create lasting joy? So I'm discovering that part of being true to myself is that my deepest nature is to love and be happy. Simple as that.

Tits & Flowers

Yes that's right, now you can admire my breasts. Although of course they're plaster casts of my breasts, feel free to enjoy them all the same!

So this morning I had a beautiful experience. A bit of sunlight filtered through a vertical opening of my window shade. It was quite long yet narrow and appeared to be dancing due to the tree limbs shaking in the winds infront of my window. The spot it hit was on my Georgia O'keeffe print, of a glorious poppy on the wall to the left side of my bed. The dancing light started in the center of the flower, the pistil, and danced down past the print onto about a foot down my wall. After watching what looked like liquid amber changing colors within its own shadows I couldn't help but eventually reach for the light on my wall & watch the sunlight upon my hand. The light upon the flower, upon my hand, made me feel so secure. I understood everything would be well & that I'm on the right path.

Last night after watching the final season of Sex in the City, I copied down in my journal the very last thing the character Carrie said on the final episode. It was: "The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." Then a powerful song is playing & the singer says in the hook "you got the love." Now I'm not going to pretend I never get meaning from television, because you know, like a fart, it happens. Anyway while I was journaling I thought a lot about what my future love life will look like. What is required & what is coming. And I came up with this:

That my love and your love joins together. That we nuture our love so it grows into a beautiful garden that nourishes the world.

I can't get love from someone else. If I got the love, then I can bring it. If she's got the love, she'll bring it. We have to already have the love on our own. Only then will a relationship have the depth & meaning I've always dreamed of. I'm tired of wanting. Wanting & wishing only gets one more wanting & wishing. Now It's all about building my love. Loving my love and knowing who I am. And when I find her, she'll know & love herself and we'll be just lovely. Courage & vunrablity, laughter & passion, honesty & respect, loyality & joyfulness, the soulful & the curious, the safety & the sanity. There's not much more I can say. Oh yes! Enjoy my breasts!

Air

It's funny how I never take time to just try & smell the air around me. Maybe because I'm in the city all the time & I'm afriad a deep inhalation will be toxic.

Monday I joined a group of runners, except I'm a walker & they welcome walkers. Anyway as I was walking around the Waterfront I smelled the river & air around me & felt quite wonderful. I really love the woman I'm becoming. After I got home from a book study meeting I was folding clothes & got an inner glimsp of myself. Felt like myself as my woman-self. Then went to the mirror & looked into my own eyes for a while. Sensed connectedness to everyone else's eyes & spirits & started to cry at the wonder of it.

To thine own self be true. Have spent a lot of time not knowing who I am. Now I'm finding out. My pal said today that I wouldn't be at this growing place if I didn't have these 6 years sober. She's right, but I forgot that for a moment. All is wonderful even though I'm dealing finally with some old stuff that I knew in my mind, but had not integrated into my heart. It's wonderful & painful & the essence of bittersweet. So grateful to be alive & to have the beautiful gifts in this little world of mine.

Wow!

Last night my sponsor yet again showed me love. She called me on the carpet about being true to myself. Not covering up my sharings with humor & sparkles. She said she sees a sad little girl sometimes. She knows I am more & need to be that to myself. Celibacy right now is teaching me so many lessons I can hardly keep up. My inner growth feels like it's on a high speed connection. Since the desire to be with anyone sexually has been completly removed (I feel numb to others but not myself) I'm finally on the path to freedom & great love. And it hurts as growing pains do. The soil inside me is becoming nutrient rich with discovery & being present. I am like a flower. The pistals & petals. A giant & delicate symbol of Gods vulva.

The book I'm reading "Nobody Owns Me" is awakening my soul. To even begin to cover what's been going on since reading that book can't happen right now. The woman who wrote it was 41 & a nun. It's a journal of her sexual awakening in celibacy. Even though from the outside our world seem totally in opposition to each other, I understand this womans journey so deeply that I can hardly exist on this level. All my hurt & pain from the stuff with my mom needs to be worked through or I'll never be comfortable in a romantic relationship. This work is my soulwork. And my sponsor has me looking at my unmanagable romantic past so I can get a grasp of where my heart hasn't been & where it needs to be (for me).

This morning I listened to the song "State of Independence" by the Moodswings. It has some of MLK jr. I Have a Dream speech. It also is about love from God. Playing it was my cosmic signal to the universe saying "I will let you love me god. I will be in your home. My body is a part of my soul & I will only let it be touched with love & grace. I will love my independence and I will be in this home, your home, this body, your body." Anyway I need to put this out there to all that can feel it: Coretta, I love * miss you. Thank you for being the woman I and so many need! Okay here are a few of the lyrics.
Sounds like a signal from you
Bring me to meet your sound
And I will bring you to my heart

Love like a signal you call
Touching my body my soul
Bring to me, you to meet me here

Home be the temple of your heart
Home be the body of your love
Just like holy water to my lips

Yes I do know how I survive
(yes I do know) know why I'm alive
To love and be with you
Day by day by day by day

to be the sound of higher love today

Time, time again, it is said
We will hear, we will see
See it all-in his wisdom-hear
His truth will abound the land

This state of independence shall be
This state of independence shall be.