Today has been a good work day. Had my annual review which went well as usual. I set some goals & realized I had completed some goal set from last year. Yay! I like being a good worker. Even pride myself on it I guess. Anyway this morning when I checked to see how much moolah was in my account, I was shocked to hear what work had deposited into my account. I wondered if I had recieved a bonus or a raise or something. My body & mind felt lighter contemplating that I was much closer to having enough to buy my plane ticket back home. I also thought of the wonderful things I could buy myself, my cat and my girlfriend (yes in that order). Then two hours later the company email found my inbox. Were sorry to tell you we made a mistake with your check. Easy come easy go. My next check will be smaller & I'm still broke. But alas I still have my looks! Ha!
Yesterday my girl & I had a most lovely day. It's days like that, that make one understand how grand it is to be in love. So many favorite moments. One moment was my girl reading to me, her head upon my stomach, us laying in the grass at Laurelhurst Park. Another was my performance for her of my lascivious consumption of a Dairy Queen medium sized chocolate dipped cone. Another was watching her let go of a fear while holding onto me. It was a Thursday I'll never forget. How lucky I am indeed!
So as perviously mentioned Amy Sedaris will be not only in town but at Powells Books on Halloween. I'm thinking it's going to be a biggin'. As most of my cohorts in this life seem to love her almost as much as moi. I know this. I will meet Amy and the question is this: Do I wear a halloween costume when I meet her, or look "normal" so that when she goes home to think of me she'll see me looking hot instead of silly. Although I could look silly & hot and quite frankly she'd probably love that! Fate is so cruel! Hot. Silly. Hot & silly. This choices are staggering. Anyway since I'm now not single I'm not going to try to seduce Amy with my scintillating charm and ebullient personality. Instead I'll merely try to get a picture with her, an autograph maybe & hopefully a tiny little petite very small just sooooo.......ass grab. That's allowed isn't it? I mean I not dead & it's friggin' Amy Sedaris. I'd let me girlfriend grab her favorite performer's butt. Anyway I'm off to the land of milk & honey. Or a 12 step meeting. Whatever.
Peace!
~F
Friday, September 29, 2006
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Oh My God!!!!!!!
I don't if it's the Pepsi I'm drinking or the fact that Amy Sedaris will be at Powells on Halloween that has got mah heart a flutter & my eyes welling. I fawking love her! And Halloween is my favorite holiday ever besides my b-day & gay pride. More soon!
Sunday, September 24, 2006
BBW
That's right it's Banned Books Week. I could go on & on about how shocked I am that some schools, libraries & book stores won't allow the public to read certain books. But quite frankly with the way things are going with you-know-who in office and such I'm not shocked about much that has to do with censorship. Anyway The AMERICAN BOOKSELLERS FOUNDATION FOR FREE EXPRESSION (http://www.abffe.org/) has a list of banned and challenged books I encourage folks to check out. It's no surprise many of the books on this list are queer themed. Anyway...
Found out this morning my queer cousin is getting married & this means that I'll be the only one of 14 cousins who has not married. Last night in my dream I was pregnant with a dead baby. No wonder I felt hopeless about romance/family this morning. It feels like I'm some wandering hedonist in comparison to my family. And worse my fears about what my family thinks only makes me feel more weird when the truth is I'm happy. Family. Oh how they drive us batty. But I love them. So there you have it!
Found out this morning my queer cousin is getting married & this means that I'll be the only one of 14 cousins who has not married. Last night in my dream I was pregnant with a dead baby. No wonder I felt hopeless about romance/family this morning. It feels like I'm some wandering hedonist in comparison to my family. And worse my fears about what my family thinks only makes me feel more weird when the truth is I'm happy. Family. Oh how they drive us batty. But I love them. So there you have it!
Thursday, September 21, 2006
A Serious Connection
Reading my Free Will Astrology horoscope this morning provided me with a refresher on how to connect more strongly to grace. To act as if I have this angel with me at all times guiding & showing me the way to loving. And I don't know why it is I forget to remember the Guidance. That's why prayer is such an interesting experience. How connected am I to Spirit. How much am I believing it is here with me right now. Prayers can be so empty when not in the midst of hope & faith.
If I believed, always I'd know that the powers that be are in & all around this body, this mind. There would be increased freedom to love myself others as one of the beautiful gifts Spirit has on Earth. But alas ego does its thing. And I'm grateful of the many reminders that recovery, astrology, friends & nature show everyday.
Here's a poem by Hafiz translated by Daniel Ladinsky I read the other day that summed up where I'm at this week.
Venus Just Asked Me
Perhaps
For just one minute out of the day,
It may be of value to torture yourself
With thoughts like,
"I should be doing
A hell of a lot more with my life than I am -
Cause I'm so damn talented."
But remember,
For just one minute out of the day.
With all the rest of your time,
It would be best
To try
Looking upon your self more as God does.
For He knows
Your true royal nature.
God is never confused
And can see only Himself in you.
My dear,
Venus just leaned down and asked me
To tell you a secret, to confess
She's just a mirror who has been stealing
Your light and music for centuries.
She knows as does Hafiz,
You are the sole heir to
The King
My beloved, thank you for that which made me speechless.
If I believed, always I'd know that the powers that be are in & all around this body, this mind. There would be increased freedom to love myself others as one of the beautiful gifts Spirit has on Earth. But alas ego does its thing. And I'm grateful of the many reminders that recovery, astrology, friends & nature show everyday.
Here's a poem by Hafiz translated by Daniel Ladinsky I read the other day that summed up where I'm at this week.
Venus Just Asked Me
Perhaps
For just one minute out of the day,
It may be of value to torture yourself
With thoughts like,
"I should be doing
A hell of a lot more with my life than I am -
Cause I'm so damn talented."
But remember,
For just one minute out of the day.
With all the rest of your time,
It would be best
To try
Looking upon your self more as God does.
For He knows
Your true royal nature.
God is never confused
And can see only Himself in you.
My dear,
Venus just leaned down and asked me
To tell you a secret, to confess
She's just a mirror who has been stealing
Your light and music for centuries.
She knows as does Hafiz,
You are the sole heir to
The King
My beloved, thank you for that which made me speechless.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Things that Make You Go...WTF?
Today's article on dog water by Mark Morford at the SF Gate was a riot. God bless that man! It got me thinking on that which I'm often thinking on anyway. Our decay. Think about this: You (not you, you of course, but someone like you, only they have money) easily spend $50,000 on a car, $10,000 on a watch, $5,000 on a pair of shoes and so on to impress other people. You want to look good and have folks around you think "damn I wish I was like that person with their beautiful stuff!" Or you want them to simply like you, think well of you because you have style, money and so fourth. Then you go to your local retail store. Let's say you go to Powells for instance. There you buy a new $65 dollar book about landscaping with rubies or something and when you interact with the staff you act like a complete dickhead.
Why are so many folks spending time trying to invite others into their lives, by impressing them with things? Why not be kind to all and really rock the house. It's totally schizophrenic to get love by trying to look one way and act another. And yet we all fuckin' do it. It's our moral decay that seeps into daily living making us act like zombies rather than humans. So what does that say about humanity. What does that say about the fact I'm writing this without giving more examples. It says I'm too tired trying to make money and look good to put proper thought & care into what I really want to say. Kinda figures.
Anyway I'm off to hang out with a cat named Snuffy. Here's a pic of her with her mama.
She's (the cat) is very sweet.
Oh & Lily got attacked by some doggie in wicked heat on Monday. She's okay but keeps licking the hole this bitch dog put into her chest. It's really gross.
So now I have Lily & Snuffy in my life. Two girls who though they may be pets, still fill my life with joy. Hmmm. Maybe I'll get them both some liver scented water.
Why are so many folks spending time trying to invite others into their lives, by impressing them with things? Why not be kind to all and really rock the house. It's totally schizophrenic to get love by trying to look one way and act another. And yet we all fuckin' do it. It's our moral decay that seeps into daily living making us act like zombies rather than humans. So what does that say about humanity. What does that say about the fact I'm writing this without giving more examples. It says I'm too tired trying to make money and look good to put proper thought & care into what I really want to say. Kinda figures.
Anyway I'm off to hang out with a cat named Snuffy. Here's a pic of her with her mama.
She's (the cat) is very sweet. Oh & Lily got attacked by some doggie in wicked heat on Monday. She's okay but keeps licking the hole this bitch dog put into her chest. It's really gross.
So now I have Lily & Snuffy in my life. Two girls who though they may be pets, still fill my life with joy. Hmmm. Maybe I'll get them both some liver scented water.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Sea of Love
Come with me, my love
To the sea, the sea of love
I want to tell you how much I love you
-Honeydrippers
Last night I fought for my life. In my dream that is. In dreamland I was walking down a city street, similar to it looking like a sidewalk right off the Willamette river only instead of the river, it was shoreline. As I was walking I somehow wound up being chased by a huge spider (spiders are common in my dreams & usually mean growth & change) and knew in the dream it meant I was avoiding that "thing" I'm supposed to do in my life. So I leaped into the sea behind me, giving myself over it it, knowing the water was my destiny. A huge soft white wave encased me gently and inside it I felt as relaxed and free as could be. The wave turned me loose into its waters. I could see that I wasn't far from shore and suddenly realized it was possible the water could carry me far from shore. Looking over the water I saw that I was indeed far from the shore. Somehow my thought had made it so. I knew if I was this far out there, there was a possibility I'd have to struggle to get back. On cue my body struggled to swim to the shore. My muscles tried so hard to work, arms pointlessly attempting to push back the waters around me. And the harrowing result was that I was not getting closer. I was stuck and knew my thoughts, my fears had made it so.
Today marked my 6th year working at You Know Where and I feel grateful and disconnected at the same time. A part of me is asking and has been asking "what are you doing?" Even my big boss who is great & runs the place was asking me today what the deal is. She was like a mama bird trying to push me out of this nest. And she's right & I'm scared as hell. Yes this place has been good to me in many ways. And I feel like I've grown up here. The woman I'm becoming knows I can't stay. The woman I am... she's swimming and thinking and not letting go. This is frustrating as hell and an incredibly sumptuous gift.
There is more to this sea folks. And even as I sit here I cannot come up with the words. A writer who can't write about this feeling, this place my life has ebbed towards. It's not just her, or us even. To be in a loving relationship is the deepest part of myself. And it's my work. The work. The work that is meant to help others. Life shows me that this thing she & have is bigger than my heart. It's all colliding and I'm praying.
The fear, seat of my addiction & reason I used to self destruct.
Fear you can't have me anymore! I'm not going to live in your arms anymore! I'm not going to fear love anymore!
Last night we were like hearty plants showing one another the blooms of our own growth. And the song played in my head. The one that says it all.
And indeed I am Fumbling Towards Ecstacy.
To the sea, the sea of love
I want to tell you how much I love you
-Honeydrippers
Last night I fought for my life. In my dream that is. In dreamland I was walking down a city street, similar to it looking like a sidewalk right off the Willamette river only instead of the river, it was shoreline. As I was walking I somehow wound up being chased by a huge spider (spiders are common in my dreams & usually mean growth & change) and knew in the dream it meant I was avoiding that "thing" I'm supposed to do in my life. So I leaped into the sea behind me, giving myself over it it, knowing the water was my destiny. A huge soft white wave encased me gently and inside it I felt as relaxed and free as could be. The wave turned me loose into its waters. I could see that I wasn't far from shore and suddenly realized it was possible the water could carry me far from shore. Looking over the water I saw that I was indeed far from the shore. Somehow my thought had made it so. I knew if I was this far out there, there was a possibility I'd have to struggle to get back. On cue my body struggled to swim to the shore. My muscles tried so hard to work, arms pointlessly attempting to push back the waters around me. And the harrowing result was that I was not getting closer. I was stuck and knew my thoughts, my fears had made it so.
Today marked my 6th year working at You Know Where and I feel grateful and disconnected at the same time. A part of me is asking and has been asking "what are you doing?" Even my big boss who is great & runs the place was asking me today what the deal is. She was like a mama bird trying to push me out of this nest. And she's right & I'm scared as hell. Yes this place has been good to me in many ways. And I feel like I've grown up here. The woman I'm becoming knows I can't stay. The woman I am... she's swimming and thinking and not letting go. This is frustrating as hell and an incredibly sumptuous gift.
There is more to this sea folks. And even as I sit here I cannot come up with the words. A writer who can't write about this feeling, this place my life has ebbed towards. It's not just her, or us even. To be in a loving relationship is the deepest part of myself. And it's my work. The work. The work that is meant to help others. Life shows me that this thing she & have is bigger than my heart. It's all colliding and I'm praying.
The fear, seat of my addiction & reason I used to self destruct.
Fear you can't have me anymore! I'm not going to live in your arms anymore! I'm not going to fear love anymore!
Last night we were like hearty plants showing one another the blooms of our own growth. And the song played in my head. The one that says it all.
And indeed I am Fumbling Towards Ecstacy.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
A Little Secret about Moi
I like JT. If you don't know who that is then it doesn't matter. If you do know then just shut up about it. Geez!
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Mah Girls & Clean the Beaches Bitches
My beautiful canine niece Rennie & her mama!
And this Saturday is the annual Solv Oregon Fall Beach Cleanup. It's good fun & you get to improve your karma. for moe info go to www.solv.org
Also did y'all hear Whitney has finally dumped Bobby Brown. Ahh celebrity gossip!
Peace!
And this Saturday is the annual Solv Oregon Fall Beach Cleanup. It's good fun & you get to improve your karma. for moe info go to www.solv.org
Also did y'all hear Whitney has finally dumped Bobby Brown. Ahh celebrity gossip!
Peace!
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
News of the Fran
Well well people. I sit here at work, not working but diddling the keyboard connected to this computer and making myself increasingly tired as a result. Yes y'all it's PMS time! Fucking bloody hell I'm tired but I had to change my myspace layout & of course give a proper update of my life these days.
Last night I hung out with my brand new girlfriend named Mary. Behind her back I say her name like this: MAH-RAAAAY. We've been dating for not that long so the gf thing happened kindo fast. I know I know, but listen this is not some jump in & get married tomorrow bullshit. My sponsor Liz this morning was like "are you two living together yet ha ha ha?" To which I replied "no Liz, I like my life & where I'm living right now." And she then said as she often does "Good girl, I'm glad to hear that." So therefore my sponsor already likes Mary & they have NOT even met. Anyway it's been amazing with her because we are so equal, not the same, but equal. She's totally amazing & even has a fault or two but I don't feel any weird "oh I wish I was better" or "oh I can fix her" thoughts. Instead it's this mutual thing & it's really deep. Have I mentioned she's totally hot & Irish. Yep hot & Irish. My god I'm a lucky woman. Last night we were bonding & talking & hugging & finally I whispered those three little words into her ear. "Don't hurt me" I said feeling my heart swell beneath my chest. And I won't tell you what she said in response because that is private, but it was beautiful.
My housemate & I went camping this weekend. First we went to the Gorge & oddly enough it was windy. Tee hee. WE had to leave because the wind was disrupting our ability to enjoy ourselves ie. blue fingertips. So we went to Trillium Lake on Mt. Hood. It was beautiful there & the mountain was so lovely. Everytime I'm on it I just remember how many years of flatland I endured as a wee one. Am so glad to live in Oregon sometimes. Anyway pics of the trip are on the way as my film needs to be developed. Toward the end of our trip my leg & ankle starting hurting quite badly. So I couldn't see the lake in the morning on Sunday as I had wished, but the buffet breakfast at Timberline lodge made up for it. Anyway it was too short of a trip & Lily was shaking cold for most of it but we had fun. My housemate is such a rockin' lady!
Started my book this week. Don't know the rate in which it will get done. I know my editing process tends to take the longest. I'm praying to co-write this sucker with G-O-D. Cuz I can't do it by my own self.
Got a new al-anon sponsor who's got me in the steps already. Liz said since I'm doing the al-anon steps which covers my relationship addiction stuff, that I no longer need to do a 4th step around relationships in the other program. Her sponsor said so, so Liz said so, so there you go.
Other than all that I'm broke, happy, tired & full & life. All is as it should be & for that I am grateful!
~F
Last night I hung out with my brand new girlfriend named Mary. Behind her back I say her name like this: MAH-RAAAAY. We've been dating for not that long so the gf thing happened kindo fast. I know I know, but listen this is not some jump in & get married tomorrow bullshit. My sponsor Liz this morning was like "are you two living together yet ha ha ha?" To which I replied "no Liz, I like my life & where I'm living right now." And she then said as she often does "Good girl, I'm glad to hear that." So therefore my sponsor already likes Mary & they have NOT even met. Anyway it's been amazing with her because we are so equal, not the same, but equal. She's totally amazing & even has a fault or two but I don't feel any weird "oh I wish I was better" or "oh I can fix her" thoughts. Instead it's this mutual thing & it's really deep. Have I mentioned she's totally hot & Irish. Yep hot & Irish. My god I'm a lucky woman. Last night we were bonding & talking & hugging & finally I whispered those three little words into her ear. "Don't hurt me" I said feeling my heart swell beneath my chest. And I won't tell you what she said in response because that is private, but it was beautiful.
My housemate & I went camping this weekend. First we went to the Gorge & oddly enough it was windy. Tee hee. WE had to leave because the wind was disrupting our ability to enjoy ourselves ie. blue fingertips. So we went to Trillium Lake on Mt. Hood. It was beautiful there & the mountain was so lovely. Everytime I'm on it I just remember how many years of flatland I endured as a wee one. Am so glad to live in Oregon sometimes. Anyway pics of the trip are on the way as my film needs to be developed. Toward the end of our trip my leg & ankle starting hurting quite badly. So I couldn't see the lake in the morning on Sunday as I had wished, but the buffet breakfast at Timberline lodge made up for it. Anyway it was too short of a trip & Lily was shaking cold for most of it but we had fun. My housemate is such a rockin' lady!
Started my book this week. Don't know the rate in which it will get done. I know my editing process tends to take the longest. I'm praying to co-write this sucker with G-O-D. Cuz I can't do it by my own self.
Got a new al-anon sponsor who's got me in the steps already. Liz said since I'm doing the al-anon steps which covers my relationship addiction stuff, that I no longer need to do a 4th step around relationships in the other program. Her sponsor said so, so Liz said so, so there you go.
Other than all that I'm broke, happy, tired & full & life. All is as it should be & for that I am grateful!
~F
Monday, September 11, 2006
Another 9/11 Story
The pain has never really left. Not just the pain of witnessing someones revolution televised, but the pain that continues to poison our country, the idea of our freedom, our country, our way, as a guide for everyone in the world.
Man so much is tied to that day. So many symbols & statements missed. My own fate being effected by the a-holes thinking I'm Muslim & hating me. Then a-holes in office that don't get it.
Then waking to my alarm clock saying something about no cellular use in NY. Turning on the TV to see the 2nd plane land live into the other tower. Confusion and numbness and fascination. "God what the heck is going on?" Getting to work only to be unable to mentally or physically function beyond watching the several televisions set up in employee areas. Crying, wondering, fearing, calling my friends in NY and wishing it was not all not in vain. Watching the towers collapse, then more collapsing then going home to my cat, wishing my then boyfriend was in town.
Two days later crying in his arms a cry so painful that all my childhood atrocities were in some ways forever dulled.
So much could be said. But those who know me well know that the deeper I feel, the less I say. All I know is that today the shadow of the worlds pain from that day still resides somewhere in my heart.
Man so much is tied to that day. So many symbols & statements missed. My own fate being effected by the a-holes thinking I'm Muslim & hating me. Then a-holes in office that don't get it.
Then waking to my alarm clock saying something about no cellular use in NY. Turning on the TV to see the 2nd plane land live into the other tower. Confusion and numbness and fascination. "God what the heck is going on?" Getting to work only to be unable to mentally or physically function beyond watching the several televisions set up in employee areas. Crying, wondering, fearing, calling my friends in NY and wishing it was not all not in vain. Watching the towers collapse, then more collapsing then going home to my cat, wishing my then boyfriend was in town.
Two days later crying in his arms a cry so painful that all my childhood atrocities were in some ways forever dulled.
So much could be said. But those who know me well know that the deeper I feel, the less I say. All I know is that today the shadow of the worlds pain from that day still resides somewhere in my heart.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Campin'
The Gorge!
Mt. Hood from Timberline LodgeMore stories later but heres a work e-mail from a co-worker. Permission to reprint was granted.
After reading a book about modern new age books of found or "received" biblical texts it comes to my attention that the Essene Gospel of Peace, as well as other works by SZEKELY, EDMOND are frauds. So they are being removed out of Chri-Dead Sea & Apocrapha/non-cannon to their new home in Meta-eso christ. So if people are looking for a text in which Jesus teaches how to make and use an enema, send them there.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
This is What Joy Looks like
Full moon at 11am. Including a lunar eclispe I missed. Ahh well. Tonight I see my sweetheart, make dinner & chill. Tomorrow my roomie & I go a campin'. All is well in the city of roses. All is well in the city of my heart.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Man do I have a Tight Ass!
No seriously. My buttocks are crazy! My deep tissue massage consisted of the usual but also my gluts. And now my ass cheecks hurt. Ahh well! At least I got the green light to take walks. That means this weekend I can walk around & enjoy the nature around me. Yay ya yay!
Don't know why but this who thing with the death of Steve Irwin makes me sad. Seems like he embodied that idea of immortality as a reward/consequence for raking the risks others could never even dream of. Oh shit y'all, some day you will die. And I will too. FuckenA.
Despite being under the weather this week/end I'm happy to report all is well & life has taken on an even more vibrant hue. More details later, but for now, I must go feed my belly.
Peace!
~F
Don't know why but this who thing with the death of Steve Irwin makes me sad. Seems like he embodied that idea of immortality as a reward/consequence for raking the risks others could never even dream of. Oh shit y'all, some day you will die. And I will too. FuckenA.
Despite being under the weather this week/end I'm happy to report all is well & life has taken on an even more vibrant hue. More details later, but for now, I must go feed my belly.
Peace!
~F
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