The Curse of PMS

Photo courtesy of unprofound.

Oh hey bois & grrls it's that time of the month & it's hitting hard this time. I feel like I'm in emotional quicksand and there is absolutely nothing wrong in my life. WTF? Today is all about patience & space cuz I just feel touchy/emotional. Last night my lady & I were having super great sex (as usual) and I had to stop & I didn't know why. And what was strange was that the weather in my head was fine. I felt okay. But my body was full of sadness and before I knew it I was crying really hard. Right in full view of this person I dig so much. I felt embarrassed as she wanted to know what was wrong & how to help & my body was just releasing this sadness that came from seemingly nowhere.

I mean I know there have been moments of fear around my relationship with her. Mainly because everything with her is so great. The "waiting for the other shoe to drop" syndrome. That she is awesome & she thinks I'm awesome & she really loves me as I can see it in her eyes & I love her & we have so much fun. And too boot we have a connection that is spiritual and massively hot. And there's no drama. None. All is just so lovely and so of course it freaked me out at one point & I had to get over that which I did. Last night was something else though.

It was that stuff that I worked through years ago that no longer haunts me so much. It was daddy & mama and love. It was making room for the unknown of loving someone deeply. Of opening up that place inside so we can care without expectations & ego. To nurture not to get a single thing back. To trust not just in a person, but more so in life itself. Yes I know logically that everything always works out. That if she & I were to not work out it would be meant to be & all that. But to know this in my body & heart is a bit different I'm learning. And being in the delicate emotional state of PMS doesn't make this deep knowing feel subtle but more like a raging outpouring of the still waters that run through the hardest places in me.

I won't fear love.

Anyway I'm so grateful for everything. And I pray that I can get through the rest of this PMS taking loving care of myself & being kind to those that cross my path.

Quickie

Just a quick post today as I'm a little busy. All is good and I'm proud to say I know exactly how much money is in my bank account. I know this may not seem news worthy but I've been on top of my finances for a couple weeks now & it feels really good & not boring at all. Yay!

2 Links:
Racialicious has a wonderful new correspondent named Latoya Paterson. She recently wrote a great post about a recent Details article on interracial swinging. Check it out here. Even Latoya's responses to comments on the post were great. I'm excited to read more of her posts.

At Gay Persons of Color the blog author wrote a thoughtful post on how race may effect relationships. Read it here & view the responses.

Peace y'all!

B is for Blog

Still don't have time to actually update my life but here's a tee shirt that I really want. So cool! Also please check out the 10th Erase Racism Carnival. I've been reading some of the posts & they're quite good. The post about the movie 300 by the blog Cynical Anti-Orientalist is awesome.

BTW on the 31st the group Tigerstyle! will be at the Fez. It's two Sikh brothers from Scotland who listened to Ice Cube a long while back and now do East Indian hip hop. For more check out this link. Peace!

Again a Title Alludes Me

It's been a week since I've last posted & I'm so tired right now that I just don't have the wherewithall to get into it. But below is a pic of my at the anti-war rally this last Sunday here in Portland. I'll give more of an update soon. In the meantime please check out ourchart and all you lesbos get yourselves on there. It's the lesbian version of myspace. I dig it! Speaking of lesbians I'm off to watch the L Word. Peace!

Pace Yourself!

General Pace doesn't want homo's fighting "wars" with him. Well effing good. The Uk's Pink News has the scoop. He's kinda sorry he said that his personal views of gays being immoral were expressed and knows he should have talked more about policy. Umm okay. Man I just don't even know where to start.

Lately I've been thinking about how strange it is some folks get so upset about queers. I mean just because it seems different for them doesn't mean it's weird or different to us. Why can't intolerant folks just accept what might be right for you may not be right for some. I mean it takes different strokes...literally! Ha hahahahah.
Peace!

Photo courtesy of unprofound

Mark Morford is a Rockin' Dude!

Thanks to Zee for turning me on to this guy. Mark Morfords latest really spoke to me. It's essentially about change and I for one am ultimately a fan of it. Never at first do I like change because as I've mentioned before I'm a creature of habit. But I always love improving, getting closer to the Goddess of my (mis)understanding and feeling the refreshing burst of joy that comes from going to the next level.

"You gotta be a little bit fearless. You gotta a be a little bit crazy, a little bit uncertain, a little bit Britney with how you dance with the energy. And you gotta notice it when you do it. Here's the trick: Those things that you feel most terrified about releasing, that seem to contain your entire identity and without which you wouldn't fully recognize yourself, well, maybe they should be the first things to feel the razor: jobs, cars, hair, photographs, bedsheets, houses, ideologies, religions. To what do you cling? What holds all your fear of change?"

"Trim it. Paint it. Rearrange it. Burn it honor it love it remember it and then, maybe, shave it. Shave it all. See the bare, lumpy, gorgeous scalp underneath. Then regrow at will. What, you have something more important to do?"

I'm applying this logic to my finances. It's high time to change and build something beautiful and new with money. I can use my finances as a direct & constant way of showing myself love & honor. I can trim away the attitudes toward $$$ that don't work and grow into a responsible person who is not enslaved by materialistic notions but celebrates fiscal responsibility to build a future where I can take care of myself & possibly a family and the community around me. That's something that excites me. I don't need a fancy car & 300 iPods to be happy and I don't have to use my money for those things. I can use it for love. Love of myself & the things that feed my spirit, not some gross American idea of success that feeds only the ego.

My Rob Brezsny horoscope for this week is also good inspiration. Finding the solution in a problem and be guided by that is a good thing. So here we go...

Peace!

Relationships

This was & very good & very hard week. The good came mostly from spending time with my ladylove and just having a ball. We're having so much fun and getting close emotionally and having fawking fantastic sex. Her love has been so beautiful that I just don't even know where to start. Man I love this woman!

The crap part of my week has had to to with my own reluctance to grow up in terms of money management. I've skated by for a long time with not being very responsible with money but it all caught up with me this week in the form of bounced checks. I've received so much advice on money management this week my head is spinning but there have been some nuggets of wisdom that I'm applying to my life.

• I need to change my relationship with money. Unlike alcohol I can't just cut off my involvement with $$$ so I need to change my thinking/behavior around it. One of my ideas about money management is that it's boring. But my mom told me something today I really liked. She said that I need to remember that taking care of finances is a way of showing myself love and being a best friend to myself. And she's right!
• Write down every time I spend money no matter the amount. Even when I spend $.60 on a can of soda. My pal T said when these things get written down you know where your money is going (duh) but it also makes you think before you spend. So my mama suggested every time I write purchases down to say to myself "I love my self and I am my friend." Which is far better than not writing stuff down because it's boring. Yes cheesy but shit it's better than what I have/haven't been doing.

You know I've had issues with money since I can remember & I've spent so much time trying to fix it all myself that having finally hit the wall with my finances I actually feel relieved. Can money and spirituality mix? Can I have a relationship to money that brings me closer to loving myself? The answer is yes. We say in recovery that the biggest triggers for relapse is romance & finance. And for some reason I thought I was above that. And really it was money mixed with romance that brought me to a relapse on pills. So in order to stay sober I need to at last humble myself & admit I don't know what the heck I'm doing with money. That I want a full & happy life and that includes a loving attitude towards my finances. Otherwise I can just keep doing what I've always done and keep getting what I always got.

Damn this disease is powerful! At least I know now that there is a solution! Peace!

QWOC Community/Sync or Swim

It looks like I'm getting some new readers to my blog and I just want to say welcome! My goal here is to be a part of a greater community of queer women of color, especially. And of course other queers, POC, women and allies. Racialicious is hosting the next Erase Racism Carnival & I'm thinking about hosting one at some point to get to know more voices out there. Anyway if you're a Queer Women of Color and have a blog I'd love to put it in my links even if you don't speak to those issues per se. Or if you know of some other QWOC blogs feel free to give me a heads up. I know this is gonna be a good thing!

Okay so I got an iPod for x-mas and only in this last week have I finally figured the damn thing out. And you know what? I feeking love it! I'm importing Bjork onto iTunes as I type this. I have all these play lists I've created such as morning mixes, dance mixes and even a mix for songs without swear words so I can plug my iPod Nano into the store stereo system and rock out. Now I don't want to anywhere or do anything without my iPod.

It was hard to figure the thing out at first because it came with no instructions. Just a box & it's pretty hot pink self. However by going to apple.com you can download the manuals. I'm lazy though & like to figure out e-gadgets on my own & for the most part I have. Yay!

Well I'm off to take a nap & figure out what I'm cooking my girlfriend for dinner. Peace!

Obama Descended from Slave Owners??? No!!!!

Oh my lord I cannot even believe folks are making a deal about this. Check out the article by the Baltimore Sun. The dude that felt need to research this I'm sure in his heart thought he was uncovering something "important" but really who-the-phuck-cares!? Many many Black folks in this country came from slave owners. And many all kinds of people, not just white for that matter. It's rarely been questioned in the past if a presidential candidates lineage included slave owners because we knew most likely they did. Why should Obama be any different. Oh because he's Black. And there folks is the true racism in this. The idea that because he's of color he'd be exempt from certain icky things like racist forefathers and not-so-progressive ideas. He's just a dude. Is he going to be out of touch with Blacks in the Country? Hell yes. He's not exempt because he is Black. Shit I know a hell of a lot of ignorant queers, POC, liberals and so on. I mean if I have to hear one more well meaning person of any race tell me Native Americans are just oh-so-good-at fill in the blank, I'm gonna puke.

You know I came from slaves & slave owners. My people were on the trail of tears & forced others on the trail. And all that came from my dad who is of color. My mom's family never owned slaves & such because my grandparents were first generation Euro-Americans. So there you go. Sinners and saints, assholes and not-so-much-assholes were all just people yo. And anyone at this stage of the game running for Prez is most likely gonna be a douche-bag. Thank you for reading this goofy rant!

Food Poisoning & Amore

Strange combo indeed but alas sometimes my life is like that. After attending a potluck for my home group I woke up a few hours later throwing up and having mud butt. I was up off & on for the next 4 hours expelling the contents of my stomach from one end or the other. It was horrible! After forcing myself to call friends for help I managed to take some sips of Gatorade and sleep until my girlfriend could arrive to take care of me. Woke up again with mud butt at 5am and had more around Noon but have managed to actually drink plenty of 7-up and mineral water. No barfing today, but can only eat a few saltines. And of ha-ha I got my period today.

Now if you read my last post you'll know I've been bursting at the seems to tell my girlfriend that I love her. And you know nothing says romance like mud butt so I finally looked her in the eyes and said what was in my heart. It was a very sweet moment and so us in a way. She & I are just wonderful weird girls and were wonderful and weird together. So I don't mind that I looked a mess and she had morning breath. Sometimes the most romantic moments are the ones where we are simply sincere. Well I'm off to nap. Peace!

Those Three Words/Too Damn Sad/Yay Rosie!

Lately I'll be hanging out with my girlfriend & she's do damn beautiful & we'll be having such a good time & I'll say to her in my head "I love you." Those three words have been in my head for weeks & get louder & yet I can't say them. Perhaps it's because she has not yet said them either. Perhaps it is also because I've said the words so many times and have not meant them as fully as possible. Not that I didn't love the others. I did but...well shit maybe I didn't love them.

Love has to be more than mere words. It's a verb and my fear is if I tell her those words my actions won't match. I desire my actions to show her my love rather than saying it and not doing much else. And so I show her the depth of my feelings and feel my heart getting even bigger and it's exciting and wild all at the same time. The truth is I love her. And knowing she doesn't read this blog makes it a relief to finally put those feelings out there. She's so amazing I can hardly believe it. And even more wonderful is our connection. It's just so very lovely. So I pray to show myself, her and us my love. To make it more than lip service but practical, funky, enticing action!

Now onto really heartbreaking news. 12 year old Deamonte Driver died this past Sunday as a result of a lack of dental care. Read the story here. This story is pulling at my heart today & it's all I can do to keep from crying. Maryland's Medicade program appears to not do enough for it's states dental needs. Is anyone else just utterly horrified by this? Interesting that all those pro-life extremists seems to not care much about all the babies who are born. Where are they when a indigent child needs health care? Where are they when parents cannot afford to feed their families. I'd never say don't have a baby if your poor, so that's not what I'm trying to get across. I'm saying put your money & heart into helping those who are here and need to thrive, not just barely (and not always at that) survive.

Last bit o' news. Rosie O'Donnell has apologized her her racist ching-chong remarks. Check out the link with all the info. Looks like artist Beau Sia finally got her to see her mistake. Yay! Peace y'all!