Pray for Me

From here on out it's quality time with my mother. Her birthday is today & I can't say how old she is or she'll kill me but she is between 59 and 61. Today were going to a spa called Raw Beauty. I think it will be fun. It's just that in the past when I've spent more than a few hours with her my whole psyche starts to feel rather taxed & I get cranky with her. Especially annoying it that I got up early to get to a 7am meeting and was disappointed to find that the meeting wasn't happening this morning. So I'm going to call the MPLS intergroup & get my ass to one tonight.

Well I'm off to try and get a nap in & mentally prepare of a day+ of my moms theater of the absurd. Yesterday with pal Heather was awesome. More on that later. Peace y'all!

Hi from MPLS!

Well I made it here via Denver with ease. The Denver airport was calm and I landed in Minneapolis 10 minutes early. I didn't think I'd have a chance to update this here blog for a week so if you are a bloglines subscriber please add my bloggie to your subscriptions and you'll get updates whenever the heck I update this thing!

Anyway...

I arrived x-mas eve. at almost 10pm here. When my ma & I got to her place I was pretty tired and discovered my face wash had leaked all over her x-mas present. A book called Breathing Out by Peggy Lipton. So mom had to wash off all the goo from her book while I had to wash out parts of my suitcase. Funny. That has been the only mishap (LITERALLY KNOCKING ON WOOD). The next day we got up & had x-mas lunch with my beloved grandma. Then we went to my uncle Rog's & opened some gifts from my aunt Jan. Then back to grandma's where I stayed overnight. She is 93 and her health is not so good. She's struggled with depression this last year after discovering a hairline fracture in her hip. Pain is depressing. Well anyway it was so wonderful to spend time with her & I was nearly in tears as I left her this afternoon.


Here is an example of how my granny is. We were walking in the lobby of her building which is independent living for the elderly. We passed by a table that notifies the resident of who recently died. Grandma as we walked by "oh I wonder if I know whoever just kicked the bucket." So funny. Then late last night she shows me a x-mas picture card folks send to show how annoyingly happy & heterosexual they are, and she says pointing at different folks in the pic "oh here's Bob and here's Evelyn and here's a retarded boy, he's Bob's retarded brother." Oh God she cracks me up.


Mom & I went to visit my great aunt Rose (my granny's sis) whose 91 years old. She's doing worse than grandma & I think it's in part because her one child is never really around to take care of her. Loneliness sucks! So after seeing here I landed here, got settled in and then went walking. I walked up & down Nicolette mall, which for you Portlanders is much like 5th & 6th avenues downtown Portland. I went to a queer store called Rainbow Road a block off Nicolette mall on Grant Street. It opened up a couple years before I moved to Portland & was glad to see it still there. I lived 1&1/2 blocks from there so I saw my old apartment building too.


So much has changed downtown. Many things I don't recognize but it was funny because at one point I was walking around & my eyes looked at a neon sign on a building that has been there since I can remember & I realized I never see that sign anymore and I suddenly realized I'm indeed no longer a Minnesotan.


Tomorrow Heather & I go to breakfast & then who knows where the day will go. The next day it's my mom's birthday & I just pray I can hold my tongue. My mom is really rude & emotional and wants everything her way and all the attention all the time. It's really exasperating in every sense of the word. But I just try to have the attitude that she is walking theater & I'm getting a free show. And despite it all she is funny and wild & sometimes really fun. I love her and know she's loves me with all her crazy heart. That's what is important.


You must be wondering if it's cold here. Well yes but it's just like Portland right now. Only there is still leftover crusty snow all over. It's great. I love that it's not totally freezing. Well here's a pic I took tonight oh the IDS tower. Enjoy!

Xmas is Not so Bad

You know this year the holiday season has been pretty lovely. Not just for the presents received but I've enjoyed giving very much and sheesh it's just been all really nice. In the midst of changes it has been nice to see the lighted homes, decorated stores and general holiday cheer. I have not felt cynical and even had a moment where I almost purchased a felt headband that looked a bit like rain deer antlers. They even lit up but even for me that was pushing the xmas thing. Anyway I'm doing laundry and hoping I'll remember everything I need to bring. I hope if there are any delays in Denver I & everyone else can take them in stride.

Happy holidays y'all. I'll update this blog on about a week. Until then...PEACE!
~F

Awesome

Well sorry for the delay with posting y'all. Tis the season for busy. So it looks like after the possibility of not making it to MPLS due to the Denver airport closing down is no longer a concern. All scheduled flights are flying starting today there & that means I'm going home through Denver after all. Whopee!

This morning I feel great! I got on my knees & prayed and could have stayed that way all day. It felt so good to be connected to something greater than myself. Then I meditated. It was funny cuz at first I was like "aww I don't have time and it's boring" and then I remembered that meditation is a yummy treat just for me. So I focused on my breathing & took any pressure off doing it perfectly (there is no such beast really) and just enjoyed that quiet space. Ahh. I'm just loving my life right now. Plus I got to work and our boss got the employees many boxes of fresh donuts. Life is good!

There have been some changes in my romance with Mary. We are indeed in each others lives and it seems the changes we've made are really bringing about growth for each of us. I'm not sure exactly what we are or aren't, but I'm feeling really grateful for her and for the life I've worked so hard to have on my own.

My housemate turned 35 yesterday and for xmas she gave me an electric blanket. I turned it on about 15 minutes before I got into bed so it would be all warm and oh-my-gosh! I was moaning and giggling like I had some hottie in my bed because it felt so friggin good in my warm bed. So nice. She gave me this great xmas card too that said I was the best housemate ever. What a blessing to be a good housemate & to have a great one. Geez I'm just so very lucky.

Gotta go work it! Peace!

Can't Think of a Clever Title

Sarah, my housemate decorated my sad little plant that I over-watered. It's as bad as that pitiful tree from the Charlie Brown xmas special. Anyway she gussied it up & put some presents near and now we have xmas in the living room. Yay. Sarah will trim back the branches of this ficus and hopefully it will thrive again. Yes folks, you can love something too much!

Here I am home sick. Was supposed to be at a Local 5 union training but I feel very tired & like there is thick cotton foam in my ears. My throat is swollen to the touch and the only thing I've got going for me in the moment is that the mascara I wore yesterday is still making my eyes pretty. I have acupuncture Wednesday and am taking lots of vitamins and sleeping like it's going out of style. Since I have no sick food (foods to eat when un-well like chicken soup, 7-up and such) I ate veggie corn dogs for breakfast and have made a huge ass pot of jasmine rice. I'll have some veggies as soon as I can force myself to the store.

Yesterday I had for the first time one of those Lindor truffle things with the crazy smooth center. My co-worker gave me one which is funny because Mary & I had just talked about them days before. Anyway my co-worker advised be not-to-bite but just suck. Well how can I pass up such directions on how to use my mouth? So I did as she said and I'll tell ya the outside is nothing to write home about. The inside however is amazingly smooth and cool to the tongue. It's heavenly indeed & made me start thinking of naughty ways to use those secret centers! So friends I say yum yum to the Lindor thingys. I can't wait to try the dark chocolate ones! Peace!

iXmas/Chacha Changes/I'm Sick Damn it

Xmas has come early for me this year. Santa gave me my very first iPod (a super cute bright pink Nano). I somehow managed to get my new Toots & the Maytals cd onto iTunes and then on my iPod. Yipee! Yesterday a friend & I were shopping and stopped at the Mac store in Pioneer Place. I wanted to see how much a kicky little Nano holder would cost. $20 minimum. So I'm going to shop around & see if I can find something a wee bit cheaper as I've still got xmas presents to buy. Anyway I'm excited to explore this iTechnology and see where it takes me.

Speaking of cool presents Zee got me Chanel mascara. It's called Inimitable & this stuff is awesome! No raccoon eyes and it gives a natural look despite making my lashes look huge. Yay!

Yesterday had a few tougher moments until I called my sponsor and let a demon or two out of my head. She again told me how proud of me she is. I asked her why making the right, healthy and wise decisions feels so yucky sometimes. "Letting go is always hard, especially for us" and it is a comfort to know it is not just me. Once I talked to her I preceded (by sheer mental force at first) to take a yummy bath with a yummy coco butter Lush bath ball (I know poor me right?). Yum coco-butter. Then I coco-buttered myself more with a lotion & then futzed with my iPod, read David Sedaris, cuddled with my cat and watched Emma with my roomie. Changing rhythms in my lifestyle always feels hard at first and am glad that gratitude kicked in allowing me to live in that day. And that my friends is growth indeed!

I'm sick damn it. Not dying or anything but needing to baby myself big time as my throat is a bit sore & I'm coughing up a little goo. An ear, nose & throat thing I'm thinking. I wore myself down this week with some obsessive thinking and finally too much crying. So this week is TLC week so I don't leave for MN a week from now with my body & mind in a bad way. Anyway today I work and will so slow. I pray for guidance today and just enough grace to keep me from being cranky.

A Higher Love

Turned on the radio this morning and Steve Winwood's uplifting song "Higher Love" was on. What a way to start the day! These lines in particular move me:

I could light the night up with my soul on fire

I could make the sun shine from pure desire

Let me feel that love come over me

Let me feel how strong it could be

I love that! Anyway last night I was reading what is so far a great book titled Meditation Made Easy by Lorin Roche. I know I know. It's easy to scoff. Meditation be easy? I think that very mindset is what has kept me from recieving the wonderful benefits meditating provides. That's why I'm reading it! So I'd like to share some things I read and take y'all on this journey with me. My goal is to practice meditating everyday, even if it's only for 30 seconds. Because some is better than none and I realize what I thought I knew about meditation is faulty at best.

From the introduction:

Each of us is a yogi for half a second when we stop to smell the roses. It's all there in that moment of conscious, grateful breathing. When we cultivate our gratitude for breath, something good happens at a deep level. We make friends with life.

Meditation is great gift to give to yourself. It is a way to experience a higher quality of life by just going inside yourself & touching your center for a moment. It is a brief retreat from the world that lets you reenter the world with a more vivid presence.

...come-as-you-are meditation.

...engage your curiousity & sense of adventure. The rewards are a greater ability to pay attention to life and to love.

Meditation is about being intimate with your deepest self. Any sense of formality, any sense that you are doing a technique that comes from outside yourself interferes with this necessary closeness.

Meditation can and should be something you reach for as informally as you reach for a cup of tea, or an apple or the phone to talk to a friend--in other words, as a direct response to sensing some need in your body or heart.

Meditation is powered by our deepest cravings, not by discipline.

It should have a sense of luxury and deliciousness. It should be a place for you to entertain all your desires and longings and prepare to fufill them as much as is possible and ethical in your life.

This was Bebes meditating this morning. He's so damn sweet & cute. Peace y'all!

A Prayer

God please help to see today as the gift that it is, rather than a problem to be solved.

Yesterday I went my first whole day without my ankle brace. My doc wants me to officially ween myself off it, so today I am again without the brace (it's in my bag just in case). So far so good. It feels like I'm learning to walk again & in a way I am.

Last night I had crazy dreams. Death was the main theme. The hero in my dream was unknowingly surrounded by dead bodies on an airplane. I later became the hero and had to battle the undead villain and kill it six times before it died. For me death dreams have to do with changes in my waking life. So here we go....

Happy ChristmaKwanHukah

Peace Y'all!

December 11th, 1974

I was born that day. 32 years I've been alive. I've survived so many things including my own addictions. Have lived though 9/11 and the Internet. Made love and war. All that stuff. Today all I really feel is grateful. And relaxed (I took the day off).

Right now a search in on for climbers missing on Mt. Hood. After everything with the Kim family it almost seems like Oregon is some kind of black whole into which people fall. I'm still reeling from the loss of James Kim. No I didn't know him, but something about this story is so heartbreaking. Bittersweet in it's truest. Partly I'm touched because Mr. Kim was what sounds like a wonderful father, proved by his heroic efforts in the woods to save his family. Something I doubt my father ever would have done. And I'm also touched because his daughters are mixed race and will grow up without the parent of color there to guide them directly on their journeys. Something else I relate to. I was saddened to see that a comic at an anti death penalty benefit felt a need to make a joke about this event by playing into the Asian driver stereotype.

Sometimes I just don't get people. Sometimes I just want to give up and assume all people suck and then I read a great article by Mark Morford at the SF Chronicle and decide I'll try to like this place called America on more time.

Since it is my birthday it means it's time for a viewing of my solar return chart. It's an astrology chart that shows where the planets & such were at the exact time my Sun was in the same sign & degree as it was when I was born. This happens every year right on or the day before or after one's b-day. For instance I was born at 11:03am 32 years ago. This year though the Sun was in the same degree as it was 32 years ago after 5am this morning. Here's my chart:

Click on it for a better view.

So just for fun I made a new little title banner on this blog because.... well I wanted to. And down a bit in the side bar I made a matching button so feel free to use it & connect folks to Redolence!

So my birthday weekend was wonderful. Mary and I had a very sexy time at a wonderful B&B called Heron Haus. Our room was upgraded when we got there so we were on the top floor with a view over looking the city. The room was called Manu and it looked like this:
I recommend this place. We hardly wanted to leave. It was so relaxing with the fireplace, huge King size bed and this amazing shower head (no not like that) called the rain dance or something. We went to August Moon on NW 23rd for dinner because I love Chinese American food and then to Papa Haydn's for dessert.

Back at our luscious room we romped around and yes folks had some awesome sex. Though right after I got nausea and had to finish what we started the next morning. After we left Heron Haus we went to Lush and Ms. M got some stuff for peeps including a yummy smelling oil bar thingy for me. We relaxed at home, played cards and ate at Chez Jose for dinner. Then the finale. The Gospel Christmas program at the Schnitz. It was the best one I had ever been to. Folks couldn't stop clapping, the audience was dancing and everyone seemed regardless of religious belief happy for baby Jesus or at least the music honoring him. Mary said I was "swimming in the good vibes" and she's right! So lovely.

Well it's time to do some reading and relaxing. One more thing though. If you have not already explored my favorite blog Racialicious, I really encourage you to do so. I really love it. Every week is a new podcast, links to great articles and so much more. I cannot even begin to sing this blog's praises. So with that happy holidaze y'all. I look forward to another year of growing into the woman I wish to be & staying open to the love and joy that surrounds us all! Peace!

How Beauty Is Made

How Beauty Is Made - Dove Campaign - www.campaignforrealbeauty.com

The B-Day Weekend Hath Begun!

That's right! So why the heck am I sitting at a work computer this very moment? Ahh yes waiting a bit before I head off to a meeting. Since I'm here I may as well recap on this weeks Items of Note (is that correct grammar wise?).

ION's

• Rosie O'Donnell had a most graceful moment on "The View" this week when she referred to an episode being so popular that folks in Mongolia would say "ching-chong-ching-chong." I suppose that is how Mongolians speak of course. That racist fool can suck it!
• My officially declared my love for Amy Sedaris null & void. I won't have a thing to do with her. That racist fool can also suck it!
• I did not have sex this week but has some really good chocolate from Pix Patisserie last night that made me very horney! I want to suck it!
• Discovered the website eatwild.com. Grass fed meat all the way baybee! Suck it down!
• Corn that is grown with petroleum is in every fawking thing. Yum yum. It sucks!
• Baking soda is the great cure-all for most problems
• The L Word is coming!!!!!!!!!!
• I was told today I'm the prettiest woman on staff. Awwwwwww!

That's it for now. Check out the Dove film in the post above!

Coffee Makes Me Cranky/My B-Day

Okay it's official. Coffee makes me cranky. Not lattes, mocha's or soy chai pumpkin spice with extra foam lattes. Just plain ol' coffee with cream & sugar makes me a bit of a grump. I'm not proud of this. Even more annoying is how frickin' much a decent latte costs, but alas my affair with coffee is coming to its slow final end. Green tea I love yet there is one problem with it. Once it hits rooms temperature & I swallow it I get nausea. And have even barfed from room temp. tea. So I have to drink it quickly and hot. Which is fine I suppose. Ahh pool problems! I'll shut up not about my caffeine issues.

So my birfday is Monday. I'm really ready to be 32. Though it means I'm slowly creeping towards the land of 40, I'm happy to be moving away from the land of the 20's. This year I've decided to go mellow. No dinner parties, no gifts, no bullshit. All I wanted this year is some hot unadulterated sex with my girlfriend in a nice setting. So we're going to a lovely B&B in NW. I won't say where were going until we get back because I wanna make sure no one bugs me this weekend as I'll be busy but here is what Fodors said about the place:

"...A long flight of wooden stairs leads down from the driveway of this West Hills mansion. At the bottom is a tiny secluded orchard of pears, apple, and cherry trees. This is just one of the many hidden charms of ________, arguably the most accomplished B&B in the Rose City..."

Sounds good eh?

Saturday we go to the Portland Art Museum to see their Egypt exhibit. At some point well have Chinese food because it's good and after an hour your ready to start doing-it again. And Sunday night Mary & I get to go to Gospel Christmas. And that folks is how I'm sending my birfday. Sex, food and gospel. I think even Jesus would smile.

Back from my Posting Vacation

NaBloPoMo darn near kicked my butt. Although I actually posted 37 times in November. Yes kids, I rawk! Anyway here is what I got for posting 30 days in a row in November.









That's right! Nothing. Ah well. I may not have won a prize per se but discovered some lovely blogs and got a chance to emerse myself in what some call the blogsphere. And it motivated me to write. I mean really write again which I've needed to do. I even started another blog in November (which also needs an update this week!). It's a blog on sex from the perspective of an aware queer woman of color (moi). You can check it out here. It's quite explicit so be prepared. Anyway I need to run off to celebrate my friend's 25 years sober! Kewl! Oh and last but not least about NaBloPoMo...